In Phoenix but having a tough time
Sunday, March 04, 2012
So, I suppose I should add a blog since I said I was going to be doing one blog each month and I haven't done one for this month yet. I'm having a really tough time.
February just went down the tubes for me. I did really good the first couple weeks of the month, sticking to my points almost every day and only going a bit over on a few days here and there. Plus I did my exercises every day and jogged three miles almost every day. The results were less than satisfying. I only lost 1/2 a lb. Then I dropped the ball completely. Well, not completely. There were some days that I still stuck to my points and I never really pigged out big time but I didn't exercise at all the last two weeks of the month and I ended up gaining back a couple pounds. By the end of the month I had only lost 4 of the 10 pounds I wanted to lose before heading to Arizona and didn't even feel like coming down here. I had promised myself that even if I didn't lost weight I would be feeling in shape from exercising but that wasn't the case either.
When I packed for the vacation, I just stuck every pair of shorts and every t-shirt and tank top I own into the suitcase. I knew if I went through the process of trying them all on I would just get more depressed. Today is our first complete day down here and it's supposed to end up being 81 degrees for the high. In the past I would have been elated about that. I love heat! As it is, I was blah, blah, blah because I needed to figure out what to wear. I grabbed a batch of clothes and tried them on, became more depressed and spent another hour in my pajamas before finally making up my mind what to wear. Of course, in addition to the whole weight thing, I'm not getting any younger and feel like my skin has that "old lady" look to it. Not sure what else to call it. I'm not really plagued by cellulite... it's just sort of an "untoned" look that I feel creeps up as you age and can be staved off a bit by exercise but never completely gotten rid of.
As for heading out to the pool for a bit... blah, I don't even want to think about that. I really ought to buy a new bathing suit. Even though I weigh about the same right now as I did when I bought it around eight years ago (at least, I did when we left home) I'm positive this suit has shrunk. I know people always say that but it's really true with this (I think). When I hold the thing up at my shoulders, it only reaches down to a little past my waist so of course when I stretch it out to fit it ends up scrunching the sides in more. It's already one of those spandex type materials so it's pretty scrunchy to begin wtih. Which also means it flattens me out on top and there isn't much there to flatten out to begin with! The last couple times we've been down here (so even when I was 10 pounds lighter) I've told myself to go buy a new suit but shopping for bathing suits is a chore I dread. Even without considering how I look in it, it's so difficult to find ones that I consider modest enough.... I like a one piece with legs that are not cut too high and a front that covers me up.. even though there's not much to show.
OK... that was my pity party, blah-blah-blah-blah. Now it's time to snap out of it. My husband says I think far too much about myself. And it's true. Although I have to say that if I were single I wouldn't think nearly so much about myself because I don't really care what other people think about me when it's just me. But when I'm with my husband I'm worried people will look at me and feel sorry for him, wondering why he married me. Sometimes I'm even afraid he'll feel sorry for himself.
Alright... snap out of it. I need to get myself focused on what's really important in life, which has nothing to do with me and only to do with God. I need to find that positive mentality and remember that this is the day the Lord has made. He's given me blessing upon blessing and all I do is sit around depressed. Here I am in Arizona and I'm blah! That's just wrong! Maybe I just need to get out in the sunshine and listen to the bird's singing.
My mission for the next month is to forget about myself and focus on the beauty of God's world around me. To take the blessings he's given me and enjoy them to the fullest. To live the life I've been given with a smile on my face and happiness in my heart. To let the peace that passes all understanding fill me up. To arrive at April with a sunnier outlook on life! See you then!