Careful what you wish for
Sunday, March 04, 2012
So, my last status update Feb. 29 was congratulating myself for finishing 29 consecutive days of yoga class. "Bring on the next challenge", I said, brimming with the enthusiasm and confidence that comes from meeting a goal.
March 1st while I was on vacation my boss resigned. Since I work in such a highly political environment, and for a number of other reasons having to do with the specifics of my work situation, I feel strongly that I can't stay without him. So, I have now out of no where plunged into the emotional turmoil that is job hunting. I haven't had to look for a job in 13 years. One thing led to another and I've prospered. But this last job was tough. I never really got the success out of it that I'd hoped for and over the last few months I've been talking openly and widely about my concerns and dissatisfaction. I was stunned and chagrined to find that people had opinions themselves on how I was doing and saw how I was struggling-- but it's so high profile a job I shouldn't have been surprised. But it was painful to see that anyway. Through these conversations I was beginning to see that I would have to set a new course, and I was afraid, deeply afraid, because my biggest fears always involve change. I really struggle with situations that are out of control -- not so much that I don't have them in control but that aren't in control at all that I can't see how they go. I
It's an interesting time to job hunt for me. Anything is possible. I don't have to stay in this town -- I'm a single mother and my youngest is graduating high school in a few weeks and headed off to college. Therefore, I have no strong ties here, which sort of leaves me sad in certain ways -- I've been here for 22 years -- but it is what it is.
So, if I was ready for a new challenge last week -- it looks like I got it. I'm nervous but I'm making some emotional decisions. First, I will not allow myself to succumb to fear and depression which is what often happens with me when I get overwhelmed. Instead, I'll pace myself and be generous with myself and let people help me. Often, when I go into stressful situations, I chose isolation. But I don't want to do that this time. I'll need help. And it's been interesting how many people have already reached out and offered support just in the last few days.
I also don't want to lose the ground I've gained in terms of my sense of well being that has come through the last several months of tuning into my body, daily exercise and making healthy choices. I'm not going to go back to the self destructive coping mechanisms that I often turned to in the past of smoking drinking overeating indulging. If anything, I want to strengthen my commitment to a healthy lifestyle which after 4 months doesn't actually feel like such a heavy burden of self-denial and willpower. I like myself and my life better because of the choices I've made and that has got to make this transition easier.
I know that there will be some tough days going forward but I can decide to be positive in meeting them. I will surround myself with cheerleaders and pick a strategy and stick with it. I will not let fear pull me into the emotional abyss as it has so many times. I will treat myself with respect. I will imagine myself doing well and feeling happy in my future, because ultimately, I'm going to have some kind of future anyway -- I may as well position myself to have the best possible future I can imagine.