Sunday, March 04, 2012
I recently got my first real place of my own. Only its not my "own" cause my boyfriend lives with me. Unfornately I lost my job the same day. By God's grace I had my tax money to pay an extra month in advance to give me time to look for another job.
There are sooo many blessings in my life right now. I'm blessed with a BEAUTIFUL apartment and a man that truely loves me for me. Seriously, he's know for his saying "If they're not 280(lbs) they're not a lady."
I see all these blessings and yet I feel sooo overwelmed. I'm not happy. I know I should be, but I'm not. I just want to run from all of it. I want to find a hole to hide in. I find myself hating my boyfriend because, I know if it was just myself, I could run back home to my mom and be safe and secure till I found another job. I wouldn't feel the pressure to keep us afloat. He's in college and its hard for him to find a job because of mistakes in his past. I know he tryings to help, but not in the ways I feel he should. We snap at each other daily because of the stress.
I'm scared of the growing relationship between myself and him. I've been hurt alot in the past and its hard for me to accept love. I know I'm pushing him away because I'm scared. I know he loves he. I feel myself falling deeper in love wit him, but I'm scared to let him in. I'm scared of my past and the scars from loving. He makes me happy, and yet there are little things missing. I don't know if its me just looking for excuses or if I'm trying to make s fit that I know isn't going to work in the end.
I'm disappointed in myself for not having another job already. I feel like a failure because I can't seem to get the job I want. I worked soo hard to become a nurse. I've only got a yrs experience and yet I still feel like the hospitals are telling me that I'm not good enough. I apply over and over again and nothing. Theres nothing wrong with working long-term care, if thats what you want to do. But its not what I want. I worked so hard to prove myself and I still don't feel like I have.
I've come a long way. Being a nurse has gave me a confindence in myself I didn't use to have. I know I'm a good person and worthy of love. Better yet I KNOW I'm a BEAUTIFUL person and that this beauty goes deeper that just what you see on the surface.
But somewhere in it all, I still feel lost. I still feel like something is wrong with me. I feel like life keeps kicking me back down. I still feel like I'm not good enough or that I'm doing something wrong. Why is it soo hard for me to accept love? Success? Why do I still not feel completely worthy of these things? I can't see the forest for the TREES!