Saturday, March 03, 2012
Guess who isn't one of her own priorities right now... THIS GIRL!
I have no idea what happened, but after my last blog where I started to worry about the cardio and blah blah blah I completely fell off the wagon and haven't even tried to get back on. A lot has happened though, and I am trying to be easy on myself. I moved into my own home and had to switch Amaya's schools and kicked out my roommate and started working on a lot of very personal deep issues and started a part time job. So when you add all of that together it really does seem like the most insane bunch of life changes just sort of happened all at once. It's not like I have just been sitting around upset that I'm not losing weight, but then, am I just making excuses for my slackness? Possibly.
I get fitness magazines like Oxygen and Women's Health. I haven't even opened the last 2 I have received. It's as if I feel like if I open them then I have to do eeverything inside and if I do everything inside I am neglecting my family and my new home. The only place John goes is to work, so I feel like if I go to the gym then I am getting some extra special me time that he isn't allowing for himself. I'm sure this sounds crazy, but he really does sacrifice so much of himself for his family that I feel like I don't sacrifice enough without taking 5+ hours a week to go to the gym. I love the gym. I love how I feel when I leave the gym. I love what it does for my ability to desire someone. I love how I feel when I look in the mirror and see changes. I'm sure it maks me a better mom, and if I went to John right now and said, "I'm going to the gym" he'd be totally okay with it. We've talked about it. I'm having trouble with seeing myself as a mom who bakes and does crafts if I'm also a gym-going Sister in Iron. I feel schizo. I want to be healthy and able to carry my groceries in without help. But I also want to have the mom I never had: I want to make cookies and pies and basically be old-fashioned. I guess there is no reason I can't be both. I guess it's really my own hang-up, but it is getting in the way and I need to find a way around it.