Friday, March 02, 2012
In a therapy session long ago the counselor described my habits of drinking, emotional eating and spending as stuffing my emotions to fill the emotional void I had experienced through out my life. That really resonated with me. Then I ready a blog from one of my dear Spark friends regarding really "feeling" the emotion rather then "stuffing" it away with food. It was a real break through for me, because I realized that I don't feel many things, I stuff them away, I avoid them, I replace them with negative self talk, wine, ice cream and shoes.
Affairs of the heart are so tough for me. I don't play in the dating world very often because I am really bad at games. My experience last weekend with a boy I liked which was exhilarating and fun has left me sad and disappointed. Determined not to let the situation control me I have been working hard all week at repeating those words to myself, "Don't Let this Define You"... It's been going ok. I haven't emotionally ate, I haven't indulged in to much wine and I haven't spent money. I have exercised, I have stayed within my calories and alas, I "felt"...
I did not realize how often I tried not to feel emotions until I was laying on the couch thinking a few things through and a thought would pop into my head and I would immediately avoid it. I was trying not to feel it. One because It hurt but feeling it would mean having to admit it was real, and obviously admitting it was real would be some sign of weakness. See, I always put on the happy face especially in the area of relationships. I try to tell my self and those in my life that I am fine, I am happy being single, alone is great. Since things did not go as I had hoped with the boy, having to admit how excited I had become at the thought of having someone in my life and realizing it was not happening was crushing. Having to face the fact that I really am lonely, and I do want someone in my life, and how disappointed I am, boy I gotta say, it was a tough feeling to have. So, there I felt it, it is out in the open, good right? Well, here is the other thing I do. I start with the negative self talk; maybe I am meant to be alone, maybe there is something wrong with me. I can't date, I am to messed up, no one will want me! Yes, all those things go through my mind, A LOT!! But since I am working on TACKLING these issues of my lack of self esteem, I have started to talk back; you have to believe you are a great person, you aren't meant to be alone and you are no more messed up then the next person!
All this feeling is exhausting. I feel lousy and maybe that is the best thing for me. I am allowed to feel bad, I am sad and hurt that someone I liked did not like me back. In the end I guess I know feeling lousy about a boy is way better then feeling lousy about weight gain, having a hang over and unpaid bills. This time stuffing was not an option...take that Stove Top!!