Wednesday, February 29, 2012
I think I'm going to try to follow the Spark People meal plans for a while. I swear these mind games I play with myself make me miserable. I go a few days feeling proud of my progress, hopeful, and then the winds change and I go a few days being unmotivated and gloomy.
I posted in the message boards about carb tapering the other day and someone pointed out to me that I am eating a lot of sugar. I know that's true. I started eating greek yogurt everyday, sometimes twice a day, to try to get my protein up. I think that might be one of the things that contributed to my plateau, in hindsight. For one thing it has a lot of sugar. For another, when I was doing veganism last year I think the thing that benefited my weight loss the most was giving up dairy. There's a reason pizza was my lent sacrifice. I am crazy for cheese. And yogurt. And for a long long time I ate cereal every day for breakfast. And I love ice cream. You get the picture. But doing veganism for only 2 weeks, I lost like 7lbs, and I wasn't going hungry. Another time I tried vegetarianism and didn't lose nearly as much; this leads me to think it was more the dairy than the meat.
So, yesterday I tried to eat low carb to try it out. Not no carb mind you; I would never do that. Just, trying to get my calories from vegetables, meats, and fruits (I would have had nuts but I didn't have any on hand; I know you've gotta have fats too - I did have dressing on my salad, I guess that had some fat). At the end of the day I had 300 calories left and I was STARVING. I had some oatmeal and a banana and felt better pretty quickly afterward. I read online that when you start doing low carb, it's normal to feel hungry because your body is used to sending out a lot of insulin, and now there's not as many carbs for it to absorb, so you're just left feeling hungry. That made sense to me.
But here's the thing... when I lost weight for my wedding, I was eating a carb heavy diet (cereal for breakfast, yogurt for lunch, regular type of dinner). When I lost weight on veganism, carb heavy diet. At the beginning of this year when I lost these 8lbs, carb heavy diet. I just don't eat a lot of meat or eggs.
I always go into this envisioning myself as cut, ripped, whatever. And maybe that is part of why I keep giving up on it. It's not enough for me to be skinny, I want to be ripped. But let's face it, how many people achieve that? I know it's possible, but I'm starting to see it involves eating a lot more protein than I am willing to eat. I don't see how protein shakes and protein bars can be that great for you to eat regularly. I mean they're definitely not "whole foods."
So back to the whole diet thing. When I think about the way I should be eating, I just get so overwhelmed I want to scream. I work full time and when I get home I'm so tired I don't want to spend hours prepping food. That's what led us to get into the habit of going out so often in the first place. It all comes down to organization, I guess. I know there are a lot busier people than me in the world and they seem to handle it. But for some reason I can't.
So the vegetarians are telling me I don't eat enough fruits/vegetables, and the Paleo people are telling me I eat too many carbs, other people are saying it's too much sugar, and it all just makes my head dizzy. There is SO much conflicting information out there - The Omnivore's Dilema, The China Study, Wheat Belly, whatever book it is that Paleo people follow, all these quote-unquote scientific studies and they all tell you to follow a different diet.
/sigh I know I'm rambling. I want to post these amazing blogs about how many hundreds of calories I burned each day or how I overcame my temptation for chocolate, but I just feel so defeated lately. I guess gaining back that inch on my body and the lb on top of it really did throw me for a loop. It's just perfectionism, rearing it's ugly head. As I said, it's not enough to be skinny to me. I want to be cut. But that's just silly, because I have neither the time nor energy to put into that kind of dedication. And why should I? Isn't it supposed to be about getting healthy? Whatever that means. Of course we all talk about caring about our health, but let's face it, when you're in your 20s and have never had any sort of health problems and dont know that many people who have, it's hard to project that as a big motivator. It just seems abstract.
Sometimes I think what I really need is mental health treatment, the way I always let my mind defeat me this way. Although most people in my family are fat, only one has health complications from it; what they do have, however, is a history of mental illness. I'm afraid when it comes to genetics (especially those for your brain), there isn't much you can do in the way of prevention.
I don't expect a lot of inspirational comments here. It's just that this blog is the only place I have to get out my thoughts, and these are my thoughts, such as they are.