being the fat girl
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Before I was a DONE girl (Done Being the Fat Girl spark team), there was a time when I was okay being the fat girl. As long as I could point to someone bigger or more unhealthy than me.
It was a constant game of comparison. With every pound I added, I told myself it was okay, because "[insert name here] is fatter than me." You know that old saying "Lord, if you can't make me skinny, please make all my friends fat"? Well, I was serious when I said that. If someone else was fatter than me, I felt better about myself.
Some people are/were yo-yo dieters. I never was. But I yo-yoed between apathy and self-loathing. I went through bouts of hating my body and bouts of acceptance. I would tell myself that I was okay being as big as I was, as long as I didn't get any bigger. But that didn't happen. Over the last 9 years (my entire adulthood) I have steadily gained weight--with the exception of 2 times trying Weight Watchers. It hasn't been drastic: about 50 pounds over the years, but still it's been pretty steady.
They say a major part of weight loss happens in the mind--by chaning your thinking. This is one area where that has been true for me. Hating my body wasn't doing me any good. But pretending that I was okay wasn't doing any good either.
There's two things I've learned about myself and my weight:
1) My weight will not stay the same without effort. I will gain weight unless I'm consious of my diet and exercise. And if I'm doing the work to not gain, I may as well be working to lose.
2) I can't compare my body with others. Finding someone fatter than me does not make me healthier. Finding someone who loses weight faster than me does not make me a failure. I have to do what's best for my body and that includes being honest with myself.