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being the fat girl

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Before I was a DONE girl (Done Being the Fat Girl spark team), there was a time when I was okay being the fat girl. As long as I could point to someone bigger or more unhealthy than me.

It was a constant game of comparison. With every pound I added, I told myself it was okay, because "[insert name here] is fatter than me." You know that old saying "Lord, if you can't make me skinny, please make all my friends fat"? Well, I was serious when I said that. If someone else was fatter than me, I felt better about myself.

Some people are/were yo-yo dieters. I never was. But I yo-yoed between apathy and self-loathing. I went through bouts of hating my body and bouts of acceptance. I would tell myself that I was okay being as big as I was, as long as I didn't get any bigger. But that didn't happen. Over the last 9 years (my entire adulthood) I have steadily gained weight--with the exception of 2 times trying Weight Watchers. It hasn't been drastic: about 50 pounds over the years, but still it's been pretty steady.

They say a major part of weight loss happens in the mind--by chaning your thinking. This is one area where that has been true for me. Hating my body wasn't doing me any good. But pretending that I was okay wasn't doing any good either.

There's two things I've learned about myself and my weight:
1) My weight will not stay the same without effort. I will gain weight unless I'm consious of my diet and exercise. And if I'm doing the work to not gain, I may as well be working to lose.

2) I can't compare my body with others. Finding someone fatter than me does not make me healthier. Finding someone who loses weight faster than me does not make me a failure. I have to do what's best for my body and that includes being honest with myself.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    This is a really well-written blog. Because it's true, and I've been there, too. I was always the fat friend, but we had other fat friends, and fatter friends, and even my friends would do the same sort of comparison: "Oh you're not big! ____ is way bigger!"

    But when I started to care about my weight in college, when I got PCOS and couldn't breathe walking across campus, I started to loathe my body. And that wasn't helpful either. I needed to learn to embrace who I was at every weight, find the beauty in that, and then appreciate how strong I was and would become with some effort. Body acceptance is a tight rope, and apathy and loathing loom beneath.

    This blog really made me think.
    2150 days ago
    I think you are doing great! I know just what you mean, too. There just comes a point when you have to make it about what YOU want for your life. And you should totally be proud your ability to be honest and of all the work you are putting in.

    And thanks for the comment on my blog. I really appreciate and accept any encouragement I can get!
    2178 days ago
    I totally know the feeling! I used to go out with friends and try to make myself feel better by pointing out someone who was bigger than me or not dressed very well and ask my friend "I look better than her right??" I also went through a phase where I just stopped caring at all and had the mentality of "if someone doesn't like me because of how I look, its their problem/loss!" versus actually taking accountability for myself/my weight and really accepting the fact that I really needed to be more worried about ME and taking care of ME- not comparing my self-worth to other people being worse off than myself.
    2181 days ago
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