The First Demon
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
*** Warning: This diatribe contains my own personal inner-thoughts and self-criticisms. It is not aimed at anyone, nor is it intended to attack or berate anyone who may have opposite views or feelings***
Boobs, ta-tas, lady lumps, rack, boobies, tits, jugs, knockers, hooters... love 'em or hate 'em, whatever you call them, if you're a girl- you've got them (and if you're a guy- you might too).
Okay, so you know I'm on a mission to find and face my demons. And here I am face to face with the first one.
The Demon: My Double Ds
Okay, let's just cut straight to the chase. When I was in 9th grade I was lucky enough to have the "coolest" teacher in school for Civics. She was awesome. She was thin, beautiful, athletically talented, and everyone loved her. Since 7th grade I'd heard about how great she was and how everyone prayed they would be in her class. I was in that class. Excellent!
It's been several years since then, so my memory of what occurred surrounding "THE EVENT" is a bit ambiguous. What is NOT fuzzy, however, is what she said in class that day.
Wait, let me back up- give you a little background about myself. I was 5'2" and 14 years-old ( Does that sound right for 9th grade?). I was not athletic- though I tried and wanted to be. I didn't have very many friends at that point (girls are mean... and I happened to be the "odd one out" at that time), and I was very, very uncomfortable about my body. Some of which, I'll get into later- but the fact that I had size C+s hanging out on my torso (and had since 7th grade) resulted in endless teasing. I hid my chest in baggy shirts and sweaters- that only added to my self-esteem issue because the baggy clothing only made me look much larger all over.
Okay- back to the story. So we're in class one day and my awesome teacher that I totally love, respect, and think the world of says, "No, I don't have much of a chest, because all boobs are is fat. Only fat people have large chests."
*insert sound of world shattering*
The Predicament: Belief that I'm fat
I'm fat. I'm fat. That's all there is to it. I have big boobs, so I'm fat.
That's what I truly believed- for a very long time. Those thoughts are still engrained in me. I tried to play sports. I tried track, I LOVED soccer... however, the constant comments about giving myself a black eye only reminded me of my "fatness".
Shopping for dresses is impossible (get a dress over my chest? HA! Laughable). Listening to women complain about not having boobs was, and is, hard (I want less boobs, I don't want to be fat!). Listening to women talk about getting breast augmentations is torture (Not fair that you get to be skinny AND have boobs! if I'm going to be "fat," at least let me have one male attracting feature you skinny girls don't have!).
The Exorcism: Acceptance
Though this demon has tortured me for half of my life, it's time to banish the monster that has been causing me so much torment. Over the next week I am going to do something daily that will help me appreciate myself the way that I am. No, I don't expect that one week will help me overcome something that has been weighing on me for about 13 years. My eventual goal is to crush this fiend and embrace my lady bumps. Yeah, I'm still going to have to buy super-support sports bras just for yoga, but if I can make one tiny step towards feeling beautiful in the skin I'm in and accepting the body I've been given, well... I consider that a win.
The Game Plan: Break the belief, work with what you got, respect what you have
1. Find pictures of women who I believe to be thin, beautiful, and have NATURALY larger chests. (Break the belief)
2. Research clothing styles that don't cause the large-chested woman to look heavier- or extremely trashy. (Work with what I have)
3. Look up information about breast cancer. (Respect the breasts I have)