Saturday, February 25, 2012
Several months ago I pulled my back out. I found out that I have one, maybe more, herniated discs in my lower back. Upon investigating the issue I found out that weight loss could help alleviate the pain. I was excited that there was a solution, but I still didn't do anything about it.
For a long time I have known that my issues with my weight and food, come from self hatred. I was molested when I was a child, and instead of telling anybody I allowed myself to feel guilty for what happened. I became a very bitter, angry, lonely, and depressed person.
Fortunately, after some intense therapy and gaining a closer walk with God I have learned to begin to see myself the way that my Creator does. We are a masterpiece to Him, He loves us. In turn we should love ourselves. Easier said than done.
Here's where the Peace Sign shirt comes in....
I am married, to a very loving man who has never once complained about my size, whether I am 150 pounds or 250 pounds he has always treated me with the utmost love and respect. He is truly unconditional in his love for me, and I strive to be like him. However, during my issues with food and disordered eating I have been mean to him and neglected him when I'm at my worst. I have apologized to him, and I know he forgives me, thank God.
While my back was completely pulled out several months ago, so badly that I couldn't even walk down the hallway without whimpering in pain, my husband did some laundry. This was before I really started to take ownership of my eating and exercise habits. He stuck one of my favorite shirts in the dryer, which is a grey shirt with a yellow peace sign on it. The next day when I had gained back some mobility I looked in the dryer and found out it had SHRUNK. Normally I hung it up to dry, because I had gotten so big it didn't fit very well anymore. I was so ticked off at him and yelled at him for ruining my shirt!
Through my time spent in counsel, I now know what I did to him that day was a form of projection. Blaming him for something that I was ticked off at myself for! I was embarrassed that because I had gained so much weight I could no longer wear that shirt. I was embarrassed that my back was hurting so bad from all of the extra pounds it was carrying. I was embarrassed at the way I looked, the way I felt, everything. But at the time I thought I was just ticked off at the fact that the shirt had shrunk.
Well, this story has a happy ending. I am wearing that shirt right now. It fits. It's loose even. And of course I have issued my husband apologies for this incident ages ago. He was just trying to be helpful and do some laundry! Most women would be so lucky! He truly is a gem of a man!
I have lost 30 pounds since this happened, and I plan to lose more. One day at a time, one step at a time. Peace.