Finally on my own (another LONG relationship TMI update)
Saturday, February 25, 2012
I moved yesterday. I had text messages flying between me and two friends (Jezi and Leo) whenever I could take a break, but most of the day was spent schlepping stuff from the apartment to the house, just so I could live here.
I have a ton of stuff still at the apartment, so I'm not fully moved OUT, but I'm at least comfortable with the staples at the house.
No big surprise: I moved all my stuff and was going to take my computer last. The Guy came home and said, "So I see by your computer being pulled apart that you've been moving. Are you staying there tonight, or here?" I told him I planned to stay at the house, but after a gajillion trips, I was tired, worn out, sore, and hungry. He offered to make dinner (hot dogs and beans, same as we had the night before) and then help me carry the computer to my car.
Then he asked how I was going to take my furniture. I said I was thinking of renting a U-Haul when Jezi's family came up to help her move in.
Him: "So...they might be coming into the apartment?"
Me: "Yes, if they have enough time after moving Jezi in and helping set up the house for her."
Him: "Okay, let me know so I know if I have to clean up or not."
He was more concerned about other people seeing his sloppiness and determining whether or not he had to clean up. And of course, he didn't make the glaringly obvious suggestion: "How about I help you move so they don't have to come in?"
No no, whichever option lets him do the least amount of work.
I get it. I know it's not easy to have your former significant other move out. But after we had an argument on Monday in which he SCREAMED at me that he "hates living with [me] and can't wait until [I'm] out" honestly I feel more like I've been kicked out than how I felt a week ago. That, coupled with moving into a house I'd been afraid to even visit over the past 3 1/2 years, plus the feeling that I am moving everything on my own...yeah, I know the change hurts. I feel it too. And he acts like I don't.
For the most part, I've been happier over the past few weeks. There have been some stumbles in emotions (which I didn't share with him, or pretty much anyone else), and there was the argument on Monday. Yeah, that was fun =/ but at least it proved I was doing the right thing.
Actually, let me run through that with you:
Saturday I went fixture and fridge shopping. When I was getting ready, I asked if he'd like to come along to get out of the house. He declined. I went on my merry way.
Sunday I decided on the fridge I wanted. Once again, I got ready to go out. I asked him if he wanted to come along. Thinking about it now, I was running late and had a sense of urgency, which is why he probably interpreted my invitation as something else, but I honestly was just making an offer ONLY because he was sitting in the exact same spot on the couch where he was sitting when I left on Saturday, and where he was when I came back. He came along this time.
He had Monday off and slept in. I got up at a decent time and started making phone calls: I scheduled the plumber, the gas company, the HVAC people, and the cable. Barring any disasters, I should be able to move at my leisure starting Friday. I had a lot done before he staggered out of bed.
He sat down to eat lunch (since it was way past breakfast) and asked me what was up. I went through the list of the things I had accomplished. Then I said, "And by the way, we're going to have to discuss what I'm taking and what I'm leaving since I paid for a lot of the stuff in here."
He then got mad. Because HE paid the rent and the utilities and the cable, it "wasn't fair" that I could claim all the physical goods since I paid for those.
Yeah, we split it so he was paying the bills, I paid for the food, entertainment, items, and vacations. He said he always made more money than I did, so it was unfair that we went through all his savings. (Note the "we" he claimed...lately he's been buying things for himself only, running through his OWN savings.) I informed him it was equally unfair that not only did we go through my savings, but nearly MY ENTIRE INHERITANCE while I bailed his @$$ out of financial situations and bought him things as I tried to buy back his affection to make him happy with me.
So if he was paying for the rent and bills and the occasional dinner - which he also used - then in what way was it fair that I paid for the food and vacations, major pieces of furniture, the computers, both tvs, paid $1500 for his car repairs, another $600 or so for his car insurance last year, etc. and I'm not allowed to keep anything?
The argument escalated and I brought up the password issue. Seriously, he jumped up, pointed at me, and bellowed that I was a liar because he's ALWAYS had a password. That's been his favorite thing to say to me lately. I'm a liar. We'd get pizza and he'd ask how many slices I'd like. I would be in the other room and respond, and he'd tell me again, "How many pieces would you like since you didn't answer?" This is the guy who has admitted he's got hearing loss in one ear, would be in the kitchen while I was in the living area with the tv on, and he wasn't paying attention. I'd say, "You must not have heard me. I said I'd like two pieces." And he'd say I didn't say anything and was lying because he KNEW I hadn't responded. There have been other incidents like that where he didn't hear me respond to a question and he'd outright call me a liar. And in the case with the password...maybe I hadn't noticed until I had reason to suspect him of hiding something. Just because I had never noticed before doesn't mean I was lying. I honestly believe(d) he didn't have a password before. (And to a degree I still think he didn't because accusing me of lying is his knee-jerk reaction when he gets defensive about something.)
Anyway, as he bellowed at me, I laughed in his face. "Lying? You're accusing me of lying? Let me tell you something *I* know...your behaviors? I know you've been continuing to ERP with your little girlfriends on Twitter after you lied to my face about wanting to stay together. I think you didn't care anymore, you just didn't want to lose your all-expense-paid vacation to Blizzcon or have an uncomfortable time around your family during your sister's wedding and the holidays."
He was, as expected, taken back and shocked. I still never told him that I have his passwords and got into his accounts to see the proof. I mentioned walking by his computer and seeing a chat with one of our guildies where he mentioned some frisky conversation with that guildie. (And I asked the guildie about it, and he didn't know if/that it had gone beyond "This chick is hitting on me something fierce!")
We argued some more. He said how much it stung that I "forced" him to come along when I bought the fridge, like I was rubbing it in his face. I told him I didn't NEED him there like he was insinuating, but I was trying to make a friendly gesture to get out and DO SOMETHING TOGETHER. He said how much he couldn't stand living with me and how hard he tried to make things work. Of course, he went on and on about how much HE suffered at the hands of my mood swings and chronic depression. I gave him an earful of what chronic depression is like:
"Chronic depression is the unshakable feeling of absolutely loathing yourself. From the moment a mood swing strikes until whatever you do to make it pass, you hate yourself so intensely that all you can think of are reasons why other people probably hate you too, and that the world would be better off without you. And you know what? I know you were trying to help and show me how you loved and cared for me. But when you're going through those thoughts of how worthless you are, all you can think is that since you can find nothing but fault in yourself then this other person COULDN'T POSSIBLY love you so they must be saying or doing nice things for some other reason. That's how much you hate yourself at those times."
He never knew how to pull me out. Leo does, and has been my rock to lean on when I would get in a depressed mood...but Leo also suffers from depression, so he knows how it feels. We've pulled each other out of that hole on many occasions. The Guy doesn't get it and can't empathize. He has no clue how it feels or what can help me get through it.
We went from screaming at each other to talking about what we had expected after our conversation in October. I told him that he acted better toward me for a while, but I recognized his behavior patterns as slipping. I felt like he was getting what he wanted out of me (paid vacation, comfort zone of having a servant to have dinner ready for him when he came home) while having his flings on the side. That didn't make me a girlfriend, or even a "maybe-we'll-get-back-together
" roommate. It made me his servant and mother. I couldn't do that.
He said that at the time anyway he thought we weren't a couple. We were free to date if we wanted to, but would try to get back together later. To which I said, "No? But YOU were the one who said you wanted us to stay together or try to get back together. I cringed every time your family introduced us as being engaged. You never corrected them, so I thought we were still marginally a couple. Anyone who honestly wants to stay together shouldn't ALSO be cheating on the other person. And we never told anyone but the few people I told for *YOUR* comfort at Blizzcon, and you talked to them and 'corrected' me that we were just taking a break but still kinda together." I told him that he was sending me mixed signals when what I had said is we should end it...it was what I wanted to save us any more heartache, and if he agreed with that then he shouldn't have tried holding on as hard as he did. One or the other...if you want to stay together, then you don't have flings on the side and cover it up. If you don't want to stay together, then show a LITTLE respect and say it's okay and let us tell people in public already because it's just as uncomfortable when people call us a couple when we're not.
He told me that yes, I have been driving him crazy for the past several years. He misses the person I was when we first got together. (To be honest, I've missed who I was too...but he has this way of always shoving me into his shadow or even taking credit for things I've said or told him, so I've lost who I was and couldn't get it back around him.) He said I have been depressed and mopey and he just can't take it anymore. He went on and on about how my depression was dragging him down. Yeah, the guilt trip got to me, and I had tears running down my face at that point. But I didn't apologize. I just said, "Fine...I'll be out by Friday."
I think that finally hit him. I was serious. It wasn't just a "Oh, I'm happy to finally pull myself through and move into the house," but a "You are making me miserable and I'm about to have another depression attack because of your words, and I can't stand YOU anymore either so I'm leaving because you can't work through it." This wasn't me saying I'll TRY to be out. It was an affirmative statement. I WILL be out.
Then he said, "By the way...full disclosure..." *big dramatic sigh, honest sober sound to his voice, Oscar-winning performance....* "I had done the ERP before you confronted me about it. It was wrong and dumb on my part. I shouldn't have cheated. But I swear I called it off and it never happened again after you first brought it up."
Really? REALLY?! So the screenshots I have of him doing it at Christmas and at our friend's New Year's party are lies? The fact he did it through mid-January, and started up again at the beginning of February are figments of my imagination? The fact that it went OOC, and he wanted to see if it would work out in person with his first "partner" in November was a hallucination? Oh, he might have been honest about "I wasn't doing it during Blizzcon and my sister's wedding" but he was still chatting privately with that person, saying how much he missed her and how much he loved her and couldn't wait to get back home so they could be together again.
I resisted pointing back at him and calling him a liar to his face, like he did to me. Instead, I said, "You know, I don't care anymore. But I can't do this. It's clear we don't trust each other, and I don't think that's going to change at this point. Please, let's just call it right here. We are free to seek relationships with others. And we can finally publicly tell people that we are no longer together."
I think that also hit him. His meal ticket was finally leaving. He nodded slowly as it sunk in.
But you know what? I don't care. I felt this HUGE weight lift off my chest when I said "We are free to seek relationships with others."
It's funny, too...I told Poe about some of this, saying I was moving out and The Guy and I were no longer together. Poe asked when I was moving, and I said, "Barring any disasters, Friday." Poe: "And when are you going to tell people." Me: "Friday or soon after." Poe: "I wonder how many of the guys in guild will start being more forward in hitting on you? I expect Leo will. Bro and Vor probably will. Maybe even Turt..." (Funny thing is Poe wasn't mentioning himself, but I know he's got a crush too. But it felt good to actually feel desirable, you know?)
So yeah...fast forward to the present.
Wednesday I had the plumber come over and fix the fixtures and my shower. I'll have to get the shower re-tiled before I can use it, but thankfully there's another shower that works fine. The gas was turned on that day too. It was warmer outside at ~60 degrees than it was in the house! I sat here shivering in 50-degree temperatures since 10 am (the plumber was over from 10-12:45) as I waited for the gas guy to show up. And I couldn't leave to get food because the gas guy was scheduled between 1-4. I talked to Leo on the phone, and he called me silly and told me to order a pizza for delivery. I still have a phobia of the phones, but we made a deal: He would work on the paper he had to write if I would call and order a pizza. (That's the kind of thing Leo does to help me help myself, and afterward I felt so proud that I did it.) And as Murphy's Law dictates, the gas guy arrived before the pizza guy did. But at least I got to scarf a couple of slices while he dealt with the meters and stuff outside first.
It felt SO GOOD to have the heater turned on! I had been sitting on one of those massage/heating chair cover pad things with a blanket over my legs and my jacket on for about an hour while I talked to Leo. It was the best I could do at the time!
In fact, on Thursday the house was a little bit on the warm side!
The HVAC guy came on Thursday to do the "winter check" for the heaters, cleaned them, did a little maintenance, etc. I spent most of the time just cleaning the downstairs. I even mopped the floor as best as I could! Although when the delivery guys brought the fridge, I mopped the area where it would go, and really needed a fresh bucket of water for that. So at this point, I really need to mop the kitchen again.
Yesterday the cable guy was here at 8 am. My "appointment" was "he will show up between 8 and noon." Knowing our cable company, I was about to start a betting pool on Twitter when he'd show up, but he actually beat me to the house by a few minutes!
Setting up the cable for the tv was easy. The challenge was the internet.
There's only one cable port upstairs, and it wasn't even active. It's in the master bedroom. I want to have the cable modem and router in the office (my brother's bedroom) so when Jez gets here we can have our main computers on a wired connection, and things like netbooks running on the wireless. If there's ever a time when I'm asleep and the modem needs to be bounced, she won't have to come knocking on my door to have it done.
But for now, it's in my room. The funny thing is that the cable guy discovered that there are actually FOUR cable lines in the house. Mind you, we built this house when I was 8. I lived here until I was 18 (moved out for college), then came back after I graduated and lived here for another 2 years. The only cable jacks we have EVER known about were the two downstairs (living room and sunroom), and the one in the master bedroom (which we never had activated because my parents never allowed tv's in the bedrooms). I have NO CLUE where this 4th line apparently goes!
I would guess it's in the office (my brother's room) since they also put in a phone line into that room, but not into my childhood bedroom. But that's only a guess. Once I get the office cleaned up and cleared out (I want to get rid of the big plastic desk so Jez and I can both have desks in there) we'll probably play a game of popping open every outlet face plate to see if there's a stray cable wire in the wall there.
After the cable guy was done, I just started unloading my stuff. I did a load of laundry here--the washer and dryer work, but they have never been very good. I also discovered the faucet leading to the washer is dripping, so after that load was done I turned it off and called the plumber again. The other issue with the house's plumbing is that the water pressure regulator is kinda shot. So you'd turn on the water and it would slowly lose pressure. It's tolerable, but I told the plumber I changed my mind and would like to have that fixed. So that'll be Monday.
I hauled a couple loads of belongings over. After my first trip, I went back to the apartment, went through the clothes I had to bring over, and changed out of my jeans and light sweater to yoga pants, sports bra, and tshirt. XD It was 75 degrees outside!
I had a load of items ready to go already. I had decided to just use and re-use my suitcases since handles and wheels are nicer than boxes. I then stripped my bed at the apartment and threw the sheets and my final laundry into the wash there. Then I brought over the rest of my clothes. Went back, moved the laundry into the dryer, and started collecting toiletries and other items. Went back, and disassembled my computer. I brought over all my peripherals and cords and the rest of the toiletries. Went back and filled my suitcases with the laundry I had just done, and brought over one of my monitors and the battery backups. Finally I went back and had to bring over my computer tower.
At that point was when The Guy got home...which was the start of this entry. XD
Between trips I was doing things like making the bed here and trying (unsuccessfully) to drag the desk downstairs up here to use as my computer desk. (I am presently working on a card table since I can't break down my desk at the apartment just yet.)
I am sore, my legs and arms are bruised, my muscles hurt, and I don't have any food here. I have to go to the grocery store to buy ALL THE THINGS.
I haven't even decided what my "First real meal in the house" is going to be. I'm thinking steaks, but I want something REALLY special.
In fact, that's what I should do now. Put my contacts in, do my makeup, and go to the store.
Last thing I want to say, though: My dad's bed was never really comfortable to me. But between putting on my egg crate, my heated mattress pad, my t-shirt knit sheets, and my blankets, it was actually both comfortable and familiar to me. I slept pretty well last night! And despite the water pressure thingy being not quite working, the shower I took felt AMAZING. We have 2 large water heaters here too, so I didn't even feel rushed like I do at the apartment before the hot water runs out!
The best text message I got last night came from Leo: "Welcome to your new life." Yeah. You know, life CAN be pretty good!