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70 days to marathon...failing, falling, flailing?

Saturday, February 25, 2012

It's Saturday already. The last several days have been a strange mixture of sleep and wakefulness. Wednesday and Thursday I was awake all night with insomnia from the steroids I take. Friday and today I seem to be catching up on that sleep.

Where does that leave me with training and eating? Sigh...nowhere good. I did 3 miles Wed and 3 miles Thu...at the very last hour...after putting it off and procrastinating all day, finding every excuse not to do it until I finally guilted myself onto the treadmill at 11:30 p.m. Friday was supposed to be 4 miles and today 6. So far, nada. This is not how I want this training to be going...but this has always been my pattern. I have to figure out what I really want and why I keep getting in my own way.

Why do I want to walk the half-marathon? What are my real reasons?
- I have done it the last 2 years and want to keep doing it (WHY?!?)
- It's an accomplishment many people never even try
- I love being outside and listening to music
- It will help me lose weight
- Exercise will help with Crohns
- I look up to those people who love running/walking...who get excited about exercise
- I want daily routine (tho my behaviour argues this point!)
- The pictures of me when I was running, they are sexy...I want those legs back
- I want to conquer something I'm not already good at (I've never properly trained for a race and I want this one to be done right...to see what I'm really capable of)

What excuses am I using on myself and why am I listening?
- my feet hurt - okay, so walk #1 gave me a bad blister on my right heel and #2 gave me a bad blister on the ball of my left foot...so yeah, I have some annoying injuries. And yes, I have bad feet. Maybe I need to invest in some good shoes or advice from the running store...hmmmm
- I am tired - sleep pattern out of whack, still anemic, yes...totally incapable of walking, no.
- I have plenty of time to catch up
- I have other things to do
- I dont wanna

So here I sit...in juxtaposition...I want to vs. I don't want to. No one is making me walk or train or anything. It's not like my doctors have said, "you need to lose weight." My husband still finds me attractive...there's absolutely no outside pressure on me to do any of this...yet I seem to be rebelling. Truly fighting myself on every healthy step.

What is my problem? I honestly feel like I probably wrote this same blog a year ago and a year before that. Am I going to be 40, 50, 60 writing these frustrated blogs about my self-destructive immobility?

I want to change. I want to be healthy. I want to eat the most nutritious, best tasting foods and move my body every day. I want to love my body and I want to use it to it's full potential. I can't eat garbage and lay on the couch and expect to feel healthy or be happy with myself.

I'm going to try again. Today I'm going to go for a walk of at least 3 miles. (The goal was 6 but I'm not going to freak out if I don't get there.) I might repeat this week's plan for next week. I have enough time that I can start more slowly if I need to. I have to remember that I haven't done ANYTHING in a very long time, so starting to walk 3 miles a day is a lot.

Here's what my week looks like:
Sat - walk 3 miles, drive to Buffalo
Sun - spend the day with my friend and her baby
Mon - drive home from Buffalo, yoga
Tue - walk 3 miles
Wed - walk 3 miles, yoga
Thu - iron infusion, walk 4 miles
Fri - rest

It looks so doable.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MAGGIE101857
    Definitely invest in the new shoes! They make all the difference! Today is a new day and the start of a new week! Back on track!!! emoticon
    2158 days ago
    Agree, the revised plan looks doable - and you can do it!
    2159 days ago
    Don't do nothing. If your feet need to rest, do something else. Keep active, keep moving forward. Momentum is critical.
    2159 days ago
  • BECKYB73
    Address the foot/shoe issue. An injury can completely derail you and in my case it did, contributing to a 50 pound gain and major depressive episode.

    Be patient with yourself, you WILL run that half marathon, but for now there's no shame in walking it.
    2159 days ago
    BABY steps girl! I know you compare to what you used to do- even on a subconcsious level, so it seems like you are sooo far away from that. Trust me, I know!
    But, doing SOMETHING is ALWAYS better than nothing- it WILL all start coming together.. .as long as you don't give up!

    You know what? Train for the half, but if you only walk half of it and have your DH pick you up- even allowing yourself that in your head- then allow yourself! If 3 miles feels hard, why try for 8?

    That's like me pushing to run 8 min miles when my body keeps telling me to go for 9;20? I keep pushing for 9's, trying to convince it to be happy at 9's. It starts rebelling, but all I can think off in those moments is that I ran a 3:45 marathon once- hello, that was 2008 and now is 2012! I had to go to extremes and get rid of the Garmin, as it was depressing me. Do I sound ridiculous? Maybe.. but we all have our inner fights and expectations. It's not a smart choice for me right now to push for a full marathon? But, part of me wants to-- should I sign up and then keep beating myself up, not train and then feel defeated and question why? Your body is tired, you got blisters. Fix it! Go get those Dr scholl's blister patches and get a good pair of WALKING shoes- not running shoes- like some Ryka or something that makes amazing ones- and then go walk 3 miles or until you are tired, but not exhausted. You want to push yourself, but allow enough recovery and rest to be ready to tackle the next step!

    I'm not trying to preach by any means- I hope you know that. I just know THAT feelingn of standing in your own way WAY TOO WELL and my heart really goes out to you.

    You can do this- it's in you. Believe in yourself and be tough on you, but not TOO tough or you'll end up at square one. At that point, you might as well keep banging your head into a real wall. Been there, done that-LOL.

    2159 days ago
    Here's a vote for investing some time & money at the running store...
    The right shoes can make all the difference!
    2159 days ago
    I find for me I have this need to be able to do something just because I had in the past regardless if it interests me now. Do you really want to walk the marathon and is it good for you at this point in your treatment? or are you doing it because you feel like you are a failure if you do not this year because you have had a backslide? A hard thing for me this year has been accepting that I am not at the same place I was a year ago and that is ok. I need to take care of my body as it is now, not as it was 40 lbs lighter. I am going to hurt myself if I don't do that. Yes, it is annoying but as I have accepted it I am less sore and am not beating myself up over it anymore. It is rather freeing actually. Whatever you want you know I 100% support you and you will never disappoint me. I will always have your back! Hugs
    2159 days ago
    Keep it up!
    2159 days ago
    2159 days ago
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