Saturday, February 25, 2012
It's Saturday already. The last several days have been a strange mixture of sleep and wakefulness. Wednesday and Thursday I was awake all night with insomnia from the steroids I take. Friday and today I seem to be catching up on that sleep.
Where does that leave me with training and eating? Sigh...nowhere good. I did 3 miles Wed and 3 miles Thu...at the very last hour...after putting it off and procrastinating all day, finding every excuse not to do it until I finally guilted myself onto the treadmill at 11:30 p.m. Friday was supposed to be 4 miles and today 6. So far, nada. This is not how I want this training to be going...but this has always been my pattern. I have to figure out what I really want and why I keep getting in my own way.
Why do I want to walk the half-marathon? What are my real reasons?
- I have done it the last 2 years and want to keep doing it (WHY?!?)
- It's an accomplishment many people never even try
- I love being outside and listening to music
- It will help me lose weight
- Exercise will help with Crohns
- I look up to those people who love running/walking...who get excited about exercise
- I want daily routine (tho my behaviour argues this point!)
- The pictures of me when I was running, they are sexy...I want those legs back
- I want to conquer something I'm not already good at (I've never properly trained for a race and I want this one to be done right...to see what I'm really capable of)
What excuses am I using on myself and why am I listening?
- my feet hurt - okay, so walk #1 gave me a bad blister on my right heel and #2 gave me a bad blister on the ball of my left foot...so yeah, I have some annoying injuries. And yes, I have bad feet. Maybe I need to invest in some good shoes or advice from the running store...hmmmm
- I am tired - sleep pattern out of whack, still anemic, yes...totally incapable of walking, no.
- I have plenty of time to catch up
- I have other things to do
- I dont wanna
So here I sit...in juxtaposition...I want to vs. I don't want to. No one is making me walk or train or anything. It's not like my doctors have said, "you need to lose weight." My husband still finds me attractive...there's absolutely no outside pressure on me to do any of this...yet I seem to be rebelling. Truly fighting myself on every healthy step.
What is my problem? I honestly feel like I probably wrote this same blog a year ago and a year before that. Am I going to be 40, 50, 60 writing these frustrated blogs about my self-destructive immobility?
I want to change. I want to be healthy. I want to eat the most nutritious, best tasting foods and move my body every day. I want to love my body and I want to use it to it's full potential. I can't eat garbage and lay on the couch and expect to feel healthy or be happy with myself.
I'm going to try again. Today I'm going to go for a walk of at least 3 miles. (The goal was 6 but I'm not going to freak out if I don't get there.) I might repeat this week's plan for next week. I have enough time that I can start more slowly if I need to. I have to remember that I haven't done ANYTHING in a very long time, so starting to walk 3 miles a day is a lot.
Here's what my week looks like:
Sat - walk 3 miles, drive to Buffalo
Sun - spend the day with my friend and her baby
Mon - drive home from Buffalo, yoga
Tue - walk 3 miles
Wed - walk 3 miles, yoga
Thu - iron infusion, walk 4 miles
Fri - rest
It looks so doable.