Saturday, February 25, 2012
I woke up about 8 am, rested after having a good 8 hour sleep. I'm writing, eating yogurt, fresh strawberries and healthy granola, waiting for the coffee to brew.
I binged yesterday afternoon - I had subbed at a nearby high school. I was the intervention specialist for math classes. I am 'math challenged' though I'd challenge most 50+ year old to remember how to plot graphs, find the area of a cone or work out cosign or whatevers in trig. Other than the first period, when I helped w/ 'crowd control' - reminding students who didn't want to be there to write down the notes the teacher had on the Smart Board...students who didn't care. I left at about 3 pm frustrated, feeling ineffectual, and tired. Not a good combination.
I'm doing better recognizing after the fact the emotions that lead to my emotional eating. Next step is finding options to eating, to deal with the emotions. I'd probably been better off just taking a nap, which came after the binge. Then walking when I woke from my nap.
I'm feeling so-so this morning. Still getting used to other than 'up and rearing to go' as I felt when I took A. The MD prescribed A to help w/my SAD, and it did help, but I was up ALL the time. No down days, no tired weary feelings. Artificially always 'up.' I stopped A and my 10,000 lux light two weeks ago. Woke up one morning and felt I was done with SAD. I've had the feeling of all of a sudden SAD being gone before, like a switch is turned, but never this early in the year. Course, I recognized SAD much earlier this year, in Nov, instead of ignoring the symptoms, forcing my way through the holidays.
I like feeling 'so-so' sometimes. Just like sometimes I 'like' feeling sad, angry, glad, mad, frustrated - I like having the whole range of emotions, instead of being stuck on 'up and rearing to go.' As a pastor, I need to have the whole range of emotions, because they are human emotions. We weren't created to just be in one gear.
So, this 'so-so' morning, when I'm feeling ok, not great; reflective, not super energetic and rearing to get things done, I'm thankful. Thankful for the whole range of emotions that I feel...thankful even for yesterday's feelings of worthlessness, boredom, frustration. Those are human feelings - though I don't like experiencing them often, and am working on finding healthier avenues to respond to them, I know I'm not alone in having them. I look and see a range of un-healthy responses...binge eating, uncontrolled shopping, substance abuse, internet addiction, porn addiction...and I know I'm not alone.
As I was leaving the school yesterday, I ran into the teacher I'd subbed for. He asked how my day went, and I responded that I felt ineffectual. He told me I'd been a help, he was sure, and to remember that I wasn't paid what I was worth. I've been reflecting on that...all of us are worth immeasurable value to God, who created and loves us. I (we) get way too hung up on being consumers...evaluated - valued- for what we create and/or consume.