Am I a failure?
Thursday, February 23, 2012
I thought that I was exempt from the list of those women who try to lose weight for their wedding and fail. I was foolish enough to think that because I had already lost 90 lbs, that I could keep it up. I had no idea the kind of stress weddings put on a person.
It's not just the planning of a wedding that's stressful. Yes, it is stressful. What I mean is that it isn't only that. What they don't tell you is that life goes on. Work and life keep moving on while you're planning. It's the combination of so many things that make it so hard.
I've been struggling with health problems, planning a wedding from 900 miles away, work issues and I haven't been able to lose any weight and keep it off. I'm bouncing up and down between dieting super well...and going crazy with eating. I've got a horrible sugar/food addiction that has been worsened by my medications. It's awful. Willpower doesn't seem to be enough. My dream of fitting into the wedding dress I bought 9 months ago is getting further away.
I feel like such a failure. I keep coming back and pledging that i'm back for good..and then falling. I guess it's good that I haven't given up...but I'm starting to doubt myself and no trust myself. After so many times of jumping off the horse..how can you tell yourself that "this time i mean it?" And I'm the one who needs to be convinced i can do this. I feel like so much of this is in my control and so much of it isn't.
I guess I feel guilty and I wish I knew of a way to believe in myself and trust myself. I have only 1 month until my wedding dress fitting and 5 months until the wedding. Have I failed? Is it too late? Sigh* I'm so sorry...