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Real and Surreal

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

That's the only way to describe my life the last few months. At the beginning of November everything seemed to be falling into place. My new house was being renovated, the busy season had just ended and I was taking my first vacation in years (My best friend moved to Maui). I got back, helped finish up the renovations and the day that we were putting the final coat of paint before I could move we go the most surreal news ever... My father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

As for most of us our father's are our Superman, he raised me and my siblings when our mom left, always physically strong and able. Seeing him weak, emotionally raw and helpless is completely unfathomable. And that is what my life became... completely unfathomable and extremely unfair. We've been planning on my father retiring (he turned 65 in January), but he's a farmer. Old farmer's don't retire... they just keep walking around the farm telling you about the old days and how you should be doing something better. He's handling chemo well. We and the doctors are very optimistic. He is feeling almost normal some days and that is just an emotional relief as well.

So on top of the trauma of just my father being ill, the timeline of the business transition has been put on the fast track. I am now the one in charge, the president? Me? True its a small operation, but its the family farm... my future & my family's future. Yeah no pressure! I'm learning to just work through the todo lists. try, Try, TRY not to get overwhelmed. There is a lot of trying involved. :) Luckily we all have positive and happy natures.

I have really learned these last couple of months of what stress does to my body. I won't or can't say I have eaten perfectly. I have had some binges. I have gone into auto pilot some days. I haven't worked out as much as I could have. But I have also been conscious and aware, not falling (or eating) into the blackhole that you surface from months later. What I have witnessed is my body just putting on weight. That stress response that I have read about, but was never really aware of my body or actions enough to fully witness it. I don't really want to think wow... how amazing, but it is in a scientific way... interesting.

My head isn't 100% percent in the game, but most people can't concentrate on only one area of their life at a time. I have to learn to balance now and that isn't a bad thing.
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  • BECKYB73
    !!! My heart goes out to you and your Dad. I hope that with the chemo and treatment he will be around for many years to come, walking the farm and telling you what to do.

    2162 days ago
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