Tuesday, February 21, 2012
I'm disgusted w/myself this am...nothing like waking up w/a case of self loathing.
Yesterday DH and I celebrated VD, late - he had Pres Day off. We decided on a movie and dinner, invited our DS, living at home post college, looking for work. He's had two rejections lately, one after several steps in the job process....he's bummed. SO, we invited him along. Went out to see The Artist (*****) I had a diet coke and split a small cup of pretzel bits w/my son. After, we walked a nice 10 min around, so I got a bit of exercise. Went to a Mexican restaurant. I did have 1 margarita, ordered shrimp fajitas, ate 1/2 and the salad, no tortilla shells, less than 5 chips before. Took home the left overs, inc rice and beans - untouched, son DS or DD can have for lunch. Feeling pretty darn good! A quick trip to Target, then home.
The problem was at home. Broke into a box of choc we/d bought at Target (70% off) - good VD stuff on sale. Began w/just one piece. OK. Then went for some ice cream. A bowl. Pulled out some hummus and pita chips. Ate w/out counting them out. Finished off a few M&M's. DD came home, had dinner late - she'd had classes and an evening meeting, so hadn't joined us. I told her about the choc, and she had a piece, so I had a 2nd and a 3rd. Finally quit eating and went to bed.
My self loathing is coming from doing so well up until I came home, then allowing myself non stop eating for over 1 hour. I'm trying to recall where I was emotionally that I allowed myself to eat w/out control. Not a total out and out binge...I didn't finish the ice cream container, hummus and chips or the box of chocolate myself. Yet, I was eating w/out thinking, just eating. I was 'hungry.' Not starving. Perhaps I could have finished my shrimp, peppers and onions. Perhaps I need to watch if I have an alcoholic drink - do I lose control at eating.
When we got home, all 3 of us went to different rooms....I tend to eat alone, cause I know it is out of control and my husband will comment, if not my kids.
The pluses yesterday - I made healthy choices up until 9 pm. I chose pretzel bits over movie popcorn. I walked, a minimum. I made healthy choices in the restaurant. When I 'binged' it was controlled. 1 bowl of ice cream, 1 piece of candy at a time. Enjoyed each piece and can recall what each piece was. Put away the hummus and chips.
I am trying to learn over 55+ years of emotional eating. Until I do I will remain 50+ lbs overweight. I can't re-learn in a day. Past weight losses never really dealt w/my emotional eating. I'd lose, do ok for months, even a year, then slowly the weight would come right back on. Writing this has helped. I don't feel the self-loathing, more curious about myself. A good place to be as I get off the computer and begin my day.