Monday, February 20, 2012
and I'm taking a moment to admit failure.
I've gained back every inch I lost between February and May of last year. Life got busy, I bought a house, and I let that sideline all the momentum I had built up.
I had an entire day off today - what did I do? Sit on my butt in front of the TV and computer. I have spent the last few hours checking out recipes and revisiting my goals, measuring myself and trying to get mentally prepared to jump on the bandwagon again.
I'm so sick and tired of clothes not fitting. I'm only 27, I have no kids, and I have a supportive husband. Why do I keep sabotaging myself?
I know I need to create good habits.
I know I need to start slow.
I know I need diet and exercise.
I know I need to drink more water.
I know weight loss won't happen overnight.
I know I need to make a commitment to myself and my health.
...But I know I'm afraid to fail again.
There's a great quote that says something like 'What could you do if you had no fear?' I never pegged myself as a scare-dy cat, but to be honest my weight bothers me SO MUCH and if that isn't motivation enough to change -- what is? Instead of being disgusted why can't I just be motivated? Why can't I turn all this negative energy focused on my current weight to positive energy to lose it?
I know I'm having a momentary low, and tomorrow I will likely wake up ready to take on the day. But before I can be upbeat and positive, before I can start this rollercoaster again, I just need to take a moment and recognize the elephant in the room. My lack of follow through has me stuck. I hate excuses, yet I make them to myself all of the time. Why? Why can't I respect myself enough to be honest?
Ok self... here goes. You're pathetic. You procrastinate and complain and have no one to blame but yourself. Quit whining! Don't like buying a size 18 in jeans? Then put on some workout gear and take a walk. You have no one to blame but yourself. You heard me. Need motivation? How about taking a long look in the mirror. If you don't like what you see - change it.
I long for the day when I look back at this post and thank myself. Thank myself for being honest, grieving another year lost, but wiping the slate clean and just starting.
Off to take a before picture, buy some groceries and do some exercising before calling it a night. Enough is enough. Change starts now.