Sunday, February 19, 2012
In order to live as an obese child and teenager I had to disassociate from my body. I've been able to reverse some of that on my own, but there is still one unexplored frontier: my pelvis. I have absolutely no idea what my pelvic floor is, but my physical therapist determined that I have a tension knot in it. She would move my legs and say, "Does this hurt?" and honest-to-God I didn't know the answer. Did it hurt? Or was that pain the same as my daily, normal pain?
That is a bad sign, Sparkers. When you cannot tell whether you are in pain, you are in serious denial. On Wednesday I was forced to see that I am broken, that I have done bad things to my body, and that I've been lying to myself for a long time. My body has been crying out to me and I have not been listening. I am so disconnected from my center that I cannot even begin to work on the tension knot in my pelvic floor--I cannot find it. Try moving just your third toe, only that toe, and you'll know what I mean when I say I'm lost. I don't feel in control of my body at all.
I came home with a bizarre prescription from the physical therapist: Massage Crotch Daily. I have to work on overstimulating my scar tissue in order to get the nerves to re-calibrate. I also have to bring my abdominal walls back together (diastasis recti) using simple, slow exercises. Currently you can stick three fingers in the gap (btw there should be no gap at all, it should have a ligament holding them together. I've lost mine and they will never be joined again, but I can still fix my muscle strength. Pregnant women get this, usually.) Once we get those problems settled we can get to the center of things (literally).
It's more than being fat. I did not trust my body and I ignored it. Now, as I grow healthier, I can see what a great and wonderful tool my body is for my mental and physical health: it warns me if that food didn't sit right (whereas before I would have kept eating it anyway). My body warns me when I am stressed out or allergic to something (whereas before I would have shrugged off the tension and headaches as part of my regular life). It asks for specific nutrients when I am sick or lacking (Craving potatoes and onions? Maybe I need the potassium!) What sort of messages and information am I missing by ignoring my lower body? What kind of pain am I pretending is normal every day? Pain that is so ubiquitous I can barely recognize it any more?
Wish me luck, Sparkfriends.