Saturday, February 18, 2012
For a few months now I've noticed that I've felt down and just not myself. I wasn't sure why and figured that it's because I was really stressed and busy. Recently, it's all started to make sense...
I think I'm nearing the end of an 8 year relationship to the father of my 5 year old son. There are many factors that contributed to this and I'm heartbroken. It's not due to abuse, alcohol, drugs, cheating, or anything of the like. We've just grown apart and it seems like neither one of us is at 100% or is the person they were supposed to be or was before. Another big factor is the fact that we haven't gotten married, or shall I say he hasn't proposed. We've talked about it, but he doesn't seem to give it much thought. I am turning 30 in December and I envisioned myself being married, with 2 kids, in a house and just being happy. None of that has happened and I'm not sure that I can have it with him. I've been crying for what seems like weeks and I can't stop thinking about a life without him. It sucks because I don't want it to happen, but then again I think it has to. I'm torn between fighting for it to work out or throwing in the towel. I'm so sad. I guess I shouldn't think too far ahead until I know that we're definitely going our separate ways.
I haven't really talked to anyone about it either...I don't want my family to judge him and I don't want friends to know. But I'm dying to get it off my chest and talk to someone. I just don't think the people in my life have the life experiences I have, or the maturity level, or the ability to give good advice. The person that I considered my best friend has been MIA for a few months and I'm soooo hurt about it too. This is the time that I need her more than ever and she's not there for me. I'm so mad at her!