Friday, February 17, 2012
So I've been at this somewhere around 6 weeks. I've lost about 10 pounds (bought a new scale in there which adjusted my numbers a bit) I've made progress remembering to pack my lunches and water bottles, making smarter choices when I go out, working in exercise from time to time, pacing my goals, and some other small milestones. Not that in 6 weeks, I've managed to be able to go solo and give up the site or have met my weight goal, but it is enough to lead to some important growth and/or realizations. Today's "lightbulb" moment happened about 5 minutes ago. I Don't need it....
Let me explain... I need the healthy lifestyle, and am requiring it of myself. What I don't need is everyone else's nonsense. I have a friend and mentor at work who signed up for this with me, isn't using it and is upset I'm losing weight and she isn't. She hasn't changed her attitude her behaviors. She hasn't logged in for days. There is a TON of drama at work. Her and I are good friends. She's my assigned mentor. She decided today, she doesn't want to mentor anyone anymore and has barely talked to me today. It hurts a lot. I went to lunch with a friend and finally told someone about what's going on in my side of the office and broke down crying at the table. (There's been several changes in management, budgeting issues, layoffs, all kinds of uncontrollable stressors) She is not doing it to be mean, but she can't get her life controlled or her eating (she's gained 35 pounds last year alone) and is determined to let herself be drug down but everything. I can't do that to myself nor will I. I refuse to let someone make me feel bad about getting myself better. I refuse to let this job take over my whole life. I don't think that's why she's mad or upset or anything it is just the stress of the job and the lack of control, but my office feels a bit cold shouldered none the less and there's a black cloud from the cubical behind me. Yesterday she said my weight loss was starting to show, and ever since then... distance.
Maybe she's just being like that today, maybe its just a phase, maybe she really will start tomorrow, but I realized today, that I don't need it. Not her, she's a friend and friendships have highs and lows, but I don't need to explain myself to anyone about getting control over my life. I don't need to apologize for making the best me I can make, or for finding new ways to cope with the awfulness in this office or in my personal life. My needs are separate. My wants are separate. I do not need to put myself on hold because she's in a bad spot and we're supposed to do it together. I DO NOT NEED people dragging me down. Yes the journey is easier with help and friends along the way, which is why this site is so wonderful or at least one of the reasons. I do not need the people around me to do it with me... I NEED ME to do it for me. It is possible to keep my feelings separate from theirs and my life separate from theirs on some level. Still be friends and still be taking care of me. I get to be first right now. I can still be a supportive friend, an ear, a phone call away, and all of that without giving up on me altogether. My needs/wants/problems are just as important.... Who knew. I never really did. It isn't mean to put myself first, it isn't selfish to get healthy and that is an interesting perspective to stumble upon during the afternoon slump. I do not need to adopt other people's problem's and drama to be there for them through it and that's quite a weight off of my shoulders.