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What I Needed

Friday, February 17, 2012

**This gets pretty personal, so if you're expecting my usual up-beat kind of blog, you have been warned**

This week has been a real roller coaster. My emotions have been all over the place and my stress has been through the roof.

This was supposed to be my relaxing week. emoticon

I struggled through every day and did everything that needed to be done. Our lives are usually hectic, but this week was even more so because of Valentine's day parties at school (2 different days) and trying to fit in extra runs and studying.

Last night I got really angry with life. I was burnt out. I needed to vent and had no where to do it. I wrote a long, angry blog last night while fighting a serious urge to binge and then deleted it because it wasn't meant for anyone else to see.

I've struggled with binges a lot. I'm not sure what another person's definition of binge is, but mine are scary and mindless and not something I enjoy. I am a recovering bulimic. I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned it before on SP, but I started pulling myself out of that deep dark sh** hole about 12 years ago. I did it on my own because I had a bad time at a therapist and could never bring myself to try it again. It was hard. Those words don't even come close to describing how difficult it was. There are no words for it. I know some of you know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, it's been over 7 years since I stopped purging, but my struggle continued with bingeing for another 5 years. I've been big, scary binge free for about 2 years. I sometimes find it hard to believe. Most of the time I don't think about it. I am doing well with eating healthy and even when I overindulge I never go above 2500 calories. That's minor compared to what I used to do to myself.

That doesn't mean that the feelings aren't still there. They are. Just because they've gone into hiding doesn't mean they're gone. I think, much like any other addiction, they will always be there, and I will always have to be cautious.

Where am I going with this? Well, last night I just got fed up with everything. It has been a week of constant stress and tons of "little things" piling up, and I was just done. I had my hand on the Little Debbie's box (why is that in my house, anyway?), and I was ready to go into full-on binge mode. But, I stopped myself. I did something different. I wrote the angry blog and ate a small bowl of cheerios. Then I sat on the couch and asked myself what I really needed.

Obviously I needed something. I'm a pretty happy, positive, upbeat kind of gal normally, and that person last night was old Em (and I can't stand that b----). Life has been hectic before. My family kind of thrives on it. Nothing major had happened to me or anyone I knew, and yet I was sad and angry and lonely.

It was fear. Plain and simple. I've taken on a couple big goals, and they both really started this week. I was trying to fit in extra runs as well as find time to study, which is almost impossible in my loud house with 2 young kids. I'm terrified to do these things and worried about what will happen if I fail. I've been keeping up a very positive, "I can and will do this" sort of attitude, but last night it fell apart. Everything I was feeling underneath came out, and it was time for me to deal with it.

What I needed was a plan. I used to be very organized - back when I only had college courses and theatre stuff to worry about. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to plan things a week in advance. So, after I calmed down and studied for a while, I made a plan for how to tackle the first part of this course. I planned it out day by day and gave myself assignments. As long as I stick to it, I will be fine. I also was smart and built in some wiggle room for the things that will inevitably come up to change this plan. I think it will work.

I am doing my best to work out something for marathon training, too. It's hard with everything else I do and the classes that I teach. I'm in pretty good shape, but there is a limit to how much exercise I can do in one day and still feel like I am giving my classes the best of me. I've found time for a shorter run, speed work, and a long run. That may need to be it for now. I know I should be doing more, but I have to make it work for my life.

So, I figured out what I needed. I didn't go back into the black hole. I can keep my no-binge streak going. I feel good about that. It really helped me to look at everything I've overcome. I tend to not think about it and always move forward, but sometimes it's good to look back. If I can survive bulimia, quit smoking/drinking/etc., and lose 80 pounds, I can definitely run a marathon and pass my trainer certification. I just needed a new plan and a better perspective.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I'm just catching up on your blogs! I just love how meaningful they are - its like we get a snapshot of your soul when you share your story - the joy and at times the sad moments too that make us realise we are all human. And I can see lots of other people are following you now too which is great, they can obviously see what I can in you! A Big YAY for no bingeing. Just keep focused on the marathon - you will do amazingly!
    2059 days ago
    That's wonderful! I actually tried becoming bulimic in college - longish story, but basically I couldn't really do it for more than a couple weeks. It's sad that that was the best way I could think of to try to get skinny. Fortunately for me, I didn't really deal with emotional issues attached to purging (other than "I hate being fat!"). I can't imagine how hard it must have been to deal with what you did and overcome it the way you did. I'm so glad you're a "recovering bulimic" rather than still "bulimic" and that you've managed to come so far in healing yourself. It's fantastic that you were able to head off the binge and then sit down and make a plan. You are truly an inspiration! Keep up the great work, congratulations on all your successes, and good luck with the marathon training!! :)
    2067 days ago
  • ELLIE-1220
    Congratulations on being able to say that your binge-free streak is continued! You are strong willed in the right way now... and so capable of meeting all your goals. Glad that you were able to pinpoint what you needed, and put that into action with the planning!

    2069 days ago
    emoticon emoticon

    2070 days ago
    Look how far u have gotten .......KEEP IT UP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    2070 days ago
    Be very proud of all you have accomplished!
    2070 days ago
    I can totally relate with this. I'm so proud of how you conquered it! that's amazing!
    2070 days ago
    Heck Ya! You can do it!!
    2070 days ago
    I can definitely relate. This week (and even last week) have been hectic. Yesterday was a day from hell. Today wasn't much better. I can't tell you how proud I am of you for choosing to write instead of eat. That's huge because a lot of people struggle with it. I also commend you on figuring out what needed to be done and planning for those things. Life's hard. With a job, kids, husband, fitness goals, etc, it becomes hectic. So, again, I am so very proud of you for choosing a better way to deal with your feelings. I hope your plan works, and I hope you find some relief soon.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2070 days ago
    Wednesday was an absolutely beautiful day here. It was 64 degrees and sunny. I got done with work at 4. I was looking so forward to a 6 mile run after work. My legs would not cooperate. I ran a mile, had to take a break and walk, ran another mile, took a break, etc. I did a total of 3 miles and decided yesterday should be a rest day. I was so mopey I ate half of a banana creme pie (because that's all that was left...otherwise I probably would have eaten more). I'm fed up with a lot of things right now, with which I won't bore you, but I can sympathize, and I'm going to take a cue from you and try reasoning with myself. I need a new plan, too.

    2070 days ago
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