**This gets pretty personal, so if you're expecting my usual up-beat kind of blog, you have been warned**
This week has been a real roller coaster. My emotions have been all over the place and my stress has been through the roof.
This was supposed to be my relaxing week.
I struggled through every day and did everything that needed to be done. Our lives are usually hectic, but this week was even more so because of Valentine's day parties at school (2 different days) and trying to fit in extra runs and studying.
Last night I got really angry with life. I was burnt out. I needed to vent and had no where to do it. I wrote a long, angry blog last night while fighting a serious urge to binge and then deleted it because it wasn't meant for anyone else to see.
I've struggled with binges a lot. I'm not sure what another person's definition of binge is, but mine are scary and mindless and not something I enjoy. I am a recovering bulimic. I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned it before on SP, but I started pulling myself out of that deep dark sh** hole about 12 years ago. I did it on my own because I had a bad time at a therapist and could never bring myself to try it again. It was hard. Those words don't even come close to describing how difficult it was. There are no words for it. I know some of you know what I'm talking about.
Anyway, it's been over 7 years since I stopped purging, but my struggle continued with bingeing for another 5 years. I've been big, scary binge free for about 2 years. I sometimes find it hard to believe. Most of the time I don't think about it. I am doing well with eating healthy and even when I overindulge I never go above 2500 calories. That's minor compared to what I used to do to myself.
That doesn't mean that the feelings aren't still there. They are. Just because they've gone into hiding doesn't mean they're gone. I think, much like any other addiction, they will always be there, and I will always have to be cautious.
Where am I going with this? Well, last night I just got fed up with everything. It has been a week of constant stress and tons of "little things" piling up, and I was just done. I had my hand on the Little Debbie's box (why is that in my house, anyway?), and I was ready to go into full-on binge mode. But, I stopped myself. I did something different. I wrote the angry blog and ate a small bowl of cheerios. Then I sat on the couch and asked myself what I really needed.
Obviously I needed something. I'm a pretty happy, positive, upbeat kind of gal normally, and that person last night was old Em (and I can't stand that b----). Life has been hectic before. My family kind of thrives on it. Nothing major had happened to me or anyone I knew, and yet I was sad and angry and lonely.
It was fear. Plain and simple. I've taken on a couple big goals, and they both really started this week. I was trying to fit in extra runs as well as find time to study, which is almost impossible in my loud house with 2 young kids. I'm terrified to do these things and worried about what will happen if I fail. I've been keeping up a very positive, "I can and will do this" sort of attitude, but last night it fell apart. Everything I was feeling underneath came out, and it was time for me to deal with it.
What I needed was a plan. I used to be very organized - back when I only had college courses and theatre stuff to worry about. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to plan things a week in advance. So, after I calmed down and studied for a while, I made a plan for how to tackle the first part of this course. I planned it out day by day and gave myself assignments. As long as I stick to it, I will be fine. I also was smart and built in some wiggle room for the things that will inevitably come up to change this plan. I think it will work.
I am doing my best to work out something for marathon training, too. It's hard with everything else I do and the classes that I teach. I'm in pretty good shape, but there is a limit to how much exercise I can do in one day and still feel like I am giving my classes the best of me. I've found time for a shorter run, speed work, and a long run. That may need to be it for now. I know I should be doing more, but I have to make it work for my life.
So, I figured out what I needed. I didn't go back into the black hole. I can keep my no-binge streak going. I feel good about that. It really helped me to look at everything I've overcome. I tend to not think about it and always move forward, but sometimes it's good to look back. If I can survive bulimia, quit smoking/drinking/etc., and lose 80 pounds, I can definitely run a marathon and pass my trainer certification. I just needed a new plan and a better perspective.