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What am I doing?

Thursday, February 16, 2012

This happens TOO frequently, and I'm SO tired of it. I do really well for a few months and then BAM, it seems I lose all control. I've done nothing but eat the last 2 days. I've eaten to the point where I'm sick to my stomach. After last nights food fest, my stomach still hurts... In the last 2 days, I've eaten WAY too much, pizza, ice cream , cheesecake and cookies... WTH!?! I don't even like cookies. Every time this happens, I sit and try to figure out why. Am I being too restrictive with food? Am I bored with my menu? Can I blame TOM for this? Do I feel that I get to relax a little because I've done "so well." The answer to all of those questions is a huge NO! I eat what ever I want, nothing has ever been forbidden since I began this journey. My menu is different all the time, and TOM has never dictated what I've eaten in the past. It's frustrating, and I get angry with every bite, yet I continue to consume.

Is this my subconscious "reward" for doing well or is it sabotage? Am I THAT afraid to get to goal that I don't want to get there? Or is it that I'm SO afraid I WON'T get there, I feel there's no harm in eating like this once in a while. When I do well, I get SO excited and I try on my goal outfits... yes, I have more than one. I start thinking about myself in cute outfits, spending the summer in shorts *gasp* and forgetting all about my "old life" of being morbidly obese and miserable. When I have days like these, I feel as fat as I was on day one. My 3 chins have grown back, my stomach is huge, and I feel like at any second, I'm going to go all "Professor Klump" and fit right back into those size 28's...

I know this funk will pass, it always does, but I'm tired of going through it. I know I'm doing it to myself, and I'm REALLY tired of feeling this way. I know I should be able to control this by now, I've been at this for almost 2 years. PUT DOWN THE COOKIE!!! I get it... tomorrow is another day... start over in the morning... don't beat yourself up... no one is perfect... did I forget anything? Just rambling and feeling pathetic... BBLLLAAAARRRGHHHHH!!!!!!! Whatever!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Do you know the 80/20 rule? If you are doing what is healthful for you 80% of the time, you'll still meet your goals in time, so I wouldn't worry about this destroying your good efforts. In the long run, it probably won't.

    However, eating until you feel sick ...well, I'm sorry you feel sick. There's got to be something that is causing you to want to eat after your stomach is full. In time, I'm sure you'll find out what that is.

    Best wishes,
    2192 days ago
    My biggest concern is that you don't like cookies! Lol...really holly, I know you will get it figured out. You are my champion!
    2192 days ago
    My biggest concern is that you don't like cookies! Lol...really holly, I know you will get it figured out. You are my champion!
    2192 days ago
  • LESLIES537
    emoticon It happens to the best of 'em! Sounds like I could've written this myself! Chin up, Buttercup! You got this under control! emoticon
    2192 days ago
    Maybe you are scared of actually meeting your goals. I know there are times when I wonder what it would be like to hit the next goal and that's scary. I know what being fat is like, being fat was easy, sitting on the couch was easy. I don't know what the other side looks like and that is scary.
    2195 days ago
    Oh and lack of sleep can mess w our brains, making us crave high sugar/salt/fat foods to regain the energy not recharged adequately thru sleep. i know this happens to me whenever i have really poor sleep...
    2195 days ago
    Awww honey, sweetie, maybe yr body is actually feeling deprived believe it or not b/c u may be eating too perfectly, yanno? I can relate to this blog entry b/c thsi happens to me like once a mth or 2 its cray but on those tiime si just cave in give my body what it wants, then it calms down & I'm right back on track again :) It's good to give in every now & then, chill out for a day or 2 & dive back in. This wayyy yr bod dont think its "starving" itself. Don't despair, just keep on, keeping on. emoticon
    2195 days ago
    You will figure this out and conquer it. You will have that Aha moment just give yourself time to review what's going on. Is there extra family stress? Is work a little rough? Maybe it's just the impact of everything getting to you?

    Definitely don't beat yourself up! You CAN do it!!
    2197 days ago
    We all go through it. Sometimes I think success is just as scary as failure. The fact of the matter is we will never fully defeat the demons that made us what we were. We have to manage them the best we can and continue to build ourselves up from the inside out to limit times like these. You are doing awesome and are such an inspiration to me. You will beat back these days and get back to the New Holly in no time!!!

    2199 days ago
    I can sooo relate to this - it is going for me this last week............. sorry I don't have any cool words of wisdom as if I did, I wouldn't be obese myself! All we can do is get back up and move forward. Ready..........set........GO!!
    span> emoticon

    2199 days ago
    I haven't binged for 166 days. In the past I'd only ever held out 6 weeks before having a binge. Why is this time different? I truely and honestly believe that it's because I have cut out sugar and artificial sweeteners, so I don't get blood sugar spikes which start cravings. By cutting these out I also cut out my ·trigger foods" ie,chocolate and anything sweet. I also know that if I was to let one single square of choclate past my lips then there's be no stopping the beast unleased inside me. At Christmas I ate a piece of yule log and the sugar cravings it set off in me lasted nearly a week. I eat as clean as possible and think that this is why this time it seems so effortless ....because I have no cravings at all.

    Worth a thought?

    I'm sorry this happened to you and that you feel frustrated by it. I know you'll soon be bouncing back and on track. emoticon emoticon
    2199 days ago
    This same sort of thing happens to me once in a while. I haven't reallk binge eaten in forever, but I have definitely have days from time to time where for whatever reason I just want to eat. I snack all day or have larger portions. It seems to last for a day or so and then I am back to "normal." It's hard to figure out why we do it, but I think there are a lot of reasons. Sometimes I feel resentment. Everyone else I know eats what they want and they don't work out regularly and most of them are normal weight. I guess I rebel against having to work so hard sometimes, and it sucks when you feel like no one gets what you're going through. Sometimes I do have an urge to just eat what I want. And, I really do get hungry, especially for sweets, around TOM. It's terrible. Even the thin people I know have pig out days. A lady that I talk to on facebook lost 80 lbs a few years ago and she ate an entire thing of chocolate candy on Valentine's Day. What makes me feel better now is knowing that after a pig out day I know I can get back on track, but sometimes I do feel like OMG I am HUGE. I will never be thin. I carry all my weight in my stomach and it's still so freakin huge I feel like I will never look normal in clothes. The extra skin is awful, but it's better than being 325 pounds. I know I'll never get back there, but sometimes I also worry that I'll never get closer to my goal. Hang in there girly! I know you are strong and will do this.
    2199 days ago
    I do it too!
    I actually decided to see a counselor to figure things out.

    You can do this!
    2199 days ago
    First of all, I *know* you can do this.

    As for the sabotage thing....if I had an answer to that I would stop doing to myself!

    Have you read "Half-Assed"? She talks about her weight loss journey, but also the trials of being close and maintaining. Wish I had read that the first time I lost all the weight!!
    2199 days ago
    Oh my goodness, Mrs. Klump. We know those changes don't happen overnight!

    I know I tend to do this when I let life get in the way. Are you really busy at work? Dwelling on anything in your brain about your personal life? I find if I'm in a funk in one place, I'm probably in a funk somewhere else too. Do some digging!

    And I agree with a commentor above - the alternative sucks. Keep going! On days like this I like to get on Pinterest or some fitness blogs and find some motivatonal pictures and stories. The Spark is there but sometimes we have to dedicate a little more to stoking the fire!

    You are awesome, chin up buttercup!
    2199 days ago
    As to why you are doing this, that's for you to decide. My feeling is that it doesn't have to be one single reason.

    Holly - I KNOW that you will get yourself out of this because you WANT to get yourself out of this. I am not going to go on and on about all the things you have heard before (the past is the past, look to the future, plan ahead, etc) but you do need to do what's right for Holly.

    If you have one of these 'episodes' put it in perspective. Ask yourself how often in the past 6 months have they happened. Maybe by tracking it you can get a better handle on it and feel better about yourself.


    Take care my friend,
    2199 days ago
    Holly I KNOW you will get thru this and YOU do not have triple chin!!!! If you remember last year I think it was about the same time you were in a funk. Old mom has been in a funk for 6 weeks. So don't beat yourself up, just pick your much thinner self up of the floor and SMILe when you think of all the success you have had and ALL the people I believe you have motivated. Love you always MOM
    2199 days ago
    You can do this! emoticon
    2199 days ago
    At the risk of sounding totally cornballish....these are the days of our lives. After having been at this for 5 years, I have come to terms with the fact I will likely always have times like you are describing to muddle through. Sometimes you can pinpoint a "cause"....sometimes, most times, they just are. I believe that hormones do play a part in times when you have that "urgency" to eat and eat badly....I never had problems with that until about age 38. I have also found that I don't struggle nearly as much with these episodes now that I have truly cleaned up my eating....really, truly clean eating for about 90% of my dietary intake. That is the only thing that has made a difference thus far...but the difference has been significant. You are going to make it through this....you didn't get this far by being unable to turn things around when they get tough....you are fierce lady...and this time of trial won't stop you from getting where you want to go. So glad you shared with us all so we can offer support....hang in there Holly....you'll be looking back at this feeling stronger than ever in no time! emoticon
    2199 days ago
    I took a week off of working out and eating right a couple of months ago and found out that I MISSED being healthy and I LIKE working out and eating right. I felt sluggish, tired, cranky and out of sorts. It made me realize I really HAVE changed my palate and eating behaviors and routines. Acknowledge that this happened and get back on track tomorrow. One thing I have noticed is that you haven't blogged as much lately so maybe make a goal to blog daily and be honest about your feelings. We are all here to support you so let it all out. You can do it!
    2199 days ago
    I think it is part of the adventure. High picks and low valleys at time. You will find ur way out of this funk with a renewed perspective and might even trick ur body to lose weight.
    2199 days ago
    Isn't it weird that after a binge we can look in the mirror and see a few extra chins and fat that wasn't there before? Nuts. And it's funny because after I workout, I look in the mirror and all of a sudden I see all of the fat going *poof* and in the mirror I look like a fit person. Our minds play strange tricks on us.
    2199 days ago
    I'm not gonna shoot rainbows up your butt. It sucks. Move past it because the alterative sucks more.

    LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!! emoticon
    2199 days ago
    Holly, I have every faith in you that you will get past this. Honestly, some really good writing in your journal can do wonders. Can you identify any of the feelings or events that came up before the problematic eating behaviors? Is the time of year or even time of the moth triggering you? More often then not it is usually our emotions that drive our behavior (and if not that, then hormones). Be gentle with yourself. We are all going to have less than perfect days. The trick is in acceptance and appropriate response. I can see by your blog that your response is right on target--analyzing,planning to do better and seeking support.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2199 days ago
    I know how you feel except I am still in the "before" picture stage!! I wonder how many times I start over!!!!!!!!!!! We got this, I think it is all part of the process!

    2199 days ago
    Happens to all of us once in a while. Inexplicable attacks of the 'hungries' when you eat whatever happens to be around--even if you don't really like it! Forget about it and move on. This is for life and that means you're going to have a few bad days from time to time.
    2199 days ago
    2 days like that is nothing! I've lived years like that and I'm not sure I understand why. But we can change it today...
    2199 days ago
    We all have days like this. Just remember that you weren't pathetic "before," and you aren't pathetic now. You are an amazing person who made some bad food decisions over the last couple of days. It makes you human.

    Now, cut it out and pick up where you left off! xoxo, Deb emoticon
    2199 days ago
    I have no words of wisdom here, and I know that's not what you're looking for. I just wanted to tell you I totally relate. I'm having that same week! It's so frustrating. I know I'll get through it and be good as new and so will you.
    2199 days ago
    You wouldn't be human if you didn't slip-up every once in a while. You've proved to yourself that this is just a small detour on your journey. You know you are capable of getting back to work; so although I know you are frustrated, just chalk this up to a momentary lapse of judgement, put it behind you, and get back to business.
    2199 days ago
    My sweet friend...you are being very hard on yourself. We have those days when we eat things we shouldn't . ( I had 2 servings of Doritos last night)
    The important thing is that you are still here, and you haven't given up. You know what you need to do in the morning...get out of bed and dust yourself off.

    I believe in you babe! You will beat this!

    2200 days ago
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