Thursday, February 16, 2012
This happens TOO frequently, and I'm SO tired of it. I do really well for a few months and then BAM, it seems I lose all control. I've done nothing but eat the last 2 days. I've eaten to the point where I'm sick to my stomach. After last nights food fest, my stomach still hurts... In the last 2 days, I've eaten WAY too much, pizza, ice cream , cheesecake and cookies... WTH!?! I don't even like cookies. Every time this happens, I sit and try to figure out why. Am I being too restrictive with food? Am I bored with my menu? Can I blame TOM for this? Do I feel that I get to relax a little because I've done "so well." The answer to all of those questions is a huge NO! I eat what ever I want, nothing has ever been forbidden since I began this journey. My menu is different all the time, and TOM has never dictated what I've eaten in the past. It's frustrating, and I get angry with every bite, yet I continue to consume.
Is this my subconscious "reward" for doing well or is it sabotage? Am I THAT afraid to get to goal that I don't want to get there? Or is it that I'm SO afraid I WON'T get there, I feel there's no harm in eating like this once in a while. When I do well, I get SO excited and I try on my goal outfits... yes, I have more than one. I start thinking about myself in cute outfits, spending the summer in shorts *gasp* and forgetting all about my "old life" of being morbidly obese and miserable. When I have days like these, I feel as fat as I was on day one. My 3 chins have grown back, my stomach is huge, and I feel like at any second, I'm going to go all "Professor Klump" and fit right back into those size 28's...
I know this funk will pass, it always does, but I'm tired of going through it. I know I'm doing it to myself, and I'm REALLY tired of feeling this way. I know I should be able to control this by now, I've been at this for almost 2 years. PUT DOWN THE COOKIE!!! I get it... tomorrow is another day... start over in the morning... don't beat yourself up... no one is perfect... did I forget anything? Just rambling and feeling pathetic... BBLLLAAAARRRGHHHHH!!!!!!! Whatever!