Thursday, February 16, 2012
I guess this is where I hang out my dirty laundry. I'm okay with people seeing the not so great side of me because I feel that people trust you far more if folks know you struggle than if you present that perfect, always motivated, never have a down day online image.
For me, the depression came like a sucker punch and it is always amazing how something small can trigger it yet at the same time come through unscathed under some pretty tough situations.
Without TMI, it basically was a relatively minor family situation that triggered it. It was like something inside melted and I didn't care anymore, felt numb, and totally shut down inside.
I got a good look at the addictive tendencies that I still have. I found myself staring down at some junk food in much the same way an alcoholic would stare at the bottom of a glass of whiskey. The same old forces that used to drive me were driving me again.
You are never totally free from addiction, it is only managed.
The good news to all of this is that none of it really satisfied at all which is a good thing. Also, the amount that I had was actually extremely small and that is as far as it got before the athlete inside was like "dude, what is up with this? You are alot bigger than this"
I didn't feel the out of control feeling I used to feel. As quickly as it came on, it also got cut off which to me is progress. I was far more in control that ever even though the emotional plunge was really intense.
That really gives me hope. Before, an episode like that would have been a no holds barred eating attack. This time, even though the depressed state was the same, the emotional eating was a little more than a pothole in the road and nothing more.
I could have really yielded to it and gone all out but there was enough strength in me that it just wasn't an option. There was a large gap between the stimulus and the response. Inside this gap exists the ability to choose ones response. I am convinced the longer you live a balanced lifestyle, the larger the gap becomes until you have much greater control when the crap really hits the fan. Feelings will always come and go like a wayward breeze and the ability to feel them, without being controlled by them, is freedom.
Now that I am through it and on the other side, I am not feeling at all in woo hoo mode but I do feel like I have really shown what kind of progress i have truly made. I am not a slave to food any longer.
I have goals that make me feel better than food ever will.
I want to wear the medal of a Half Ironman finisher more than I have wanted anything, I want to RUN a marathon and do well, heck, I want to qualify for Boston. I even want to write a book someday and lay it all out there so that someone else might have hope that reclaiming your life is not a pipe dream but is a very real possibility to someone who will never give up on themselves.
I'm even crazy enough to believe I might even have a finishline picture from a FULL Ironman in that book...
To some, 140.6 miles is a distance. To others, it is insanity. To those who live with a longing in their hearts, 140.6 is a calling.
Its good to be crazy.