Wednesday, February 15, 2012
So I haven't been posting anywhere as much as I wanted to. I've just had a lot going on and on my mind lately. I figured I was due to post an update.
Haven't been eating or exercising the way I was. I want to, but right now everything's rather chaotic. My sleep schedule is off, and when it looks like it's getting back to normal, I'll wake up from an anxiety attack or the like and screw it up again.
I've been out of inspiration for eating well. Sometimes it's a miracle that I eat at all. I know how good GOOD food can taste, but it's more of a mood thing. I'm nowhere near anorexic, so you don't have to worry about that, but I just don't know what I want. I have a feeling that will change once spring hits and the produce section turns toward my favorite tastes.
Mentally and emotionally? Been a total wreck. I'm still living with The Guy, although that is changing FOR REAL now.
I think for all this to make sense, I gotta spill more details on what happened.
Our relationship had already been going downhill for a long time. We had been behaving toward each other as barely more than friendly-ish roommates. At Blizzcon 2010 when we met my Best Male Friend, he woke me up at 2 am (5 am our time) to argue with me that he was jealous that I was being flirty with BMF. Thing was? I was chatting just as much with another male guildie AND EVEN MORE SO with Bestie Jezi. It didn't matter that I was practically chained to The Guy the entire time. He would become center of attention/conversation and ignore that I even existed (at one point even literally SHOVED me out of the way with his backpack because he was so unaware that I was there) until the point where I got frustrated and started talking to my two best friends who actually WANTED to listen to what I had to say. But oh dear, one of those best friends is not only a guy, but a total hottie. So that was not allowed to be. It took him over a year to move past that jealousy and no longer hold it over my head that OMG I TOUCHED BMF'S LEG AS I LEANED OVER TO TALK TO JEZI WHO WAS SITTING ON HIS OTHER SIDE! Seriously.
And his jealousy wasn't just from that.
He and I have always liked roleplaying. Pencil and paper like AD&D, MMORPGs (we've always been on RP servers), message forums, Twitter, etc. Until WoW, we always RPed together. Our characters were always together or interacted in some way. When we got to WoW, he always claimed that he was a roleplayer, except he wasn't. He's moan and complain about how bad and full of drama the RP was, but would never do anything to start any RP himself. The other thing is that he likes playing female Tauren, I usually play female Blood Elves. So our characters were not together and usually had little to do with each other beyond being comrades-in-arms. Fine, whatever.
He used to get jealous when I wanted to take a night off and just RP with my friends...yes, including BMF. It would be a non-raid night, we'd have our dungeon runs done, I would stand around for an hour asking him if he wanted to do anything, and he'd say he was busy. But the minute I got into some RP with others, THAT'S WHEN he suddenly wanted to run another dungeon, and would get upset when I said I was busy.
Also, I'm aware of ERP (Erotic Role Play...a nice way of saying "Cybersexing" while in character). I didn't on my characters, even on those who developed relationships with friends' characters. We knew where the boundaries were and respected that.
Fast forward. I have a roleplay account on Twitter. It's a canon character. I'm very careful about how I interact with other people, and while verbal flirting is fun, any physical emotes that I made were hugs at most. Anything beyond that was assumed by the reader, and I did that on purpose. I know some of the Blizz employees follow the WoW Twitter RP accounts, so my friends and I are very careful about sticking to lore and avoiding any shipping (relationshipping) of THEIR characters.
The Guy got jealous of my RP there, too. Said it made him upset that I would flirt with others...even though my character is male and ambiguously bisexual. o.O Fine. So I drew it back. A lot.
He's gotten into another RP fandom. He made an original character that is essentially him in this fandom's world. And he immediately got into relationships with his character.
Deep down that rabbit hole he went.
Back in September he would be distracted during raids (AS RAID LEADER) because I saw him DMing (Direct Messaging - the equivalent of private chat) with someone. I couldn't read what was going on, but recognized the interface, and when it wasn't just me calling him back to attention between raid wipes when we were ready to go, I knew it was a much bigger problem that was affecting more than just our relationship. Thing is, I saw when the chat he was having with a particular character got hot and heavy in public, and then she'd say, "Let's go somewhere private," and then they wouldn't have anything on their public timelines for a couple hours, and THEN they'd come back to public tweets and talk about how amazing each other was...and I knew what was going on. I'm not an idiot, although apparently he thinks I am.
This is where my position on it gets rough: He was leaving his Macbook on when he was at work. So yeah, that "Straw that broke the camel's back" moment was when I went onto it and checked. Sure enough, he had been ERPing with that person. I didn't have to read much. It happened only a couple of times, but that's all I needed. I felt my stomach drop, I felt nauseated, and immediately closed up what I saw. This is the guy who was jealous of me hanging around other guys. This is the guy who always said that if he caught his significant other cheating on him, it would be over with no forgiveness. This is the guy who had a hard time with how I RP and who I RP with when he made no effort to get involved even when I TRIED to involve him so he knew everything was on the up-and-up.
The day after or two days later was when I had The Talk with him. I didn't mention that I went on his computer. I told him pretty much what I said above: I knew his public chat got hot and bothered, they went to DMs, and I could see DURING RAID that he was distracted by his DMs...and that's how I knew what was going on. I told him I don't think we're going to work out, but he wanted another chance. One of my conditions was that his relationship with this person had to end. He agreed.
He was upset, of course. Said he didn't want to lose our relationship. He said he understood that maybe we need a break, but he wants us to keep trying and get back what we had.
See, I thought he was genuinely upset at the time. What I believe now?
They were crocodile tears.
He wasn't upset about losing our relationship. He was upset at the prospect of losing his all-expense-paid vacation to BlizzCon (that *I* paid for), as well as how he would have to tell the guild why he wouldn't be there, and how to tell his family when his sister's wedding (which we were both part of) was a week after. He was upset at the potential discomfort that he would face, and having people know it was his fault. He's NEVER at fault. For ANYTHING.
Okay, MAYBE he was a little upset about losing the relationship. But not enough.
Because he was doing it again TWO DAYS LATER. And again ON THE NIGHT OF AND DAY AFTER our follow-up talk.
He kept doing it THROUGHOUT October and midway through November where apparently it started going out of character and I think he was even trying to figure out a way to see her in person.
She then claimed to be a guy IRL, and the relationshipping ended. However, based on the sudden change in conversation (I only have evidence of what she said, not what he said due to the incoming emails), it came off as a desperate attempt to escape an uncomfortable situation. I don't know how to explain it other than she was first asking if their relationship could work in person and saying she couldn't go through with something if she wasn't sure, and then a couple hours later said, "Please don't be upset, but I'm a guy IRL." It was just too sudden for me to believe it. Heck, if I had a persistant guy trying to go after me, I would tell him I'm a guy IRL to get him to leave me alone.
Not that it mattered too much. He found someone else in December and started up again.
He was ERPing in DMs throughout the Christmas holidays while we were BOTH visiting his family. He was ERPing AT a New Year's Eve party hosted by one of our guildies. This new person disappeared for two weeks in mid-January, but they've been going at it nearly every night since she came back at the end of the month.
Yes, even last night. Valentine's Day. Oh, he bought us both some fancy chocolate bars from World Market on the 13th, but no flowers, no cards, no balloons, nothing beyond that. (Not that I wanted it, but still...I would have really liked some flowers. =( ) And *I'M* the one who made dinner last night. He was tired and nodded off twice before dinner (from staying up until 4:30 am RPing), took a nap after that, raided, cut raid a little short so he could go to bed, and RPed some more for another hour after he was in bed. At least he said thank you for dinner?
I want to confront him with it. I want to scream at him about it. I want to tell his family, our friends, the guild, post it in public... I want to ruin him with this.
But I can't.
See, after I confronted him in October, I noticed he put a password lock on his computer at boot up. I know it's because he didn't want me snooping on his computer, but I didn't say anything. I just did the same because if he wasn't going to trust me, then I wasn't going to trust him. I already knew what I needed to know.
My mistake was believing that he actually wanted to change. But two weeks ago after a content patch on raid night, I texted him asking if he wanted me to turn on his computer and download the patch because it took me about 15 minutes and I knew he was getting home late. He said go ahead. I couldn't log on because of the password requirement and texted him about that.
His response, "Oh yeah, that was an arbitrary thing I did because now that I'm back working QA it feels weird to not sign in."
My bullsh!t detector SCREAMED at me. I knew something was going on.
The next time he had his computer on and went AFK, I went into his browser and got his passwords for his Twitter accounts and the email accounts attached to them. (I told you, I'm not an idiot even if he thinks I am.) And yes, then I logged in and saw EVERYTHING. That's how I know what was going on all this time. I have been livid for the past couple of weeks.
So my hands are dirty, which is why I can't confront him about this.
And admittedly, I am not without guilt either. After I broke up with The Guy, BMF and I finally said we had a chance and want to get together. BMF is NOT a rebound guy, either. He's always been there for me...not to get some nookie or something for himself, but because he actually CARES FOR and APPRECIATES me. He even wanted to get me flowers for Valentine's but felt that would be awkward with me still in the apartment and didn't want it to cause any more problems between me and The Guy than we're already dealing with.
I shouldn't care what The Guy does as far as relationshipping with other people. But I do because he LIED AND MANIPULATED ME to give him his vacation, comfortable holidays with his family, presents, continue making his meals, etc. He doesn't want a relationship with me, he wants me there as his mother to pick up after him all the time. And he got it for a few more months than I should have given him, all while telling me he wanted to stay together on the same day he was cyber-screwing someone else.
This story will NOT have an unhappy ending. I haven't said anything to him directly, but he has to be blind to not see that I've been packing and moving stuff to the house. I'm having issues coordinating with the city people (that's a /facepalmy story too) to get the water turned back on at the house, and once I do that I can get the gas turned on and the heater/AC people to come out and make sure that's okay. But I've moved the majority of my clothes out, as well as several boxes of stuff. I'm sore and bruised from hauling that stuff over on my own.
I'm not talking to him about it. He'll probably act like it was a sudden thing when I tell him I have a moving truck scheduled, and that I need his help--he OWES me so much more, but I'll take just his help to move--but he knew this was coming anyway.
I don't care anymore. I'm flippin' angry at him for using me like this, but I won't let it happen anymore.
I'm only spilling all this here because I need some place to vent, and holding in this secret from all our friends (who I have been assured would sympathize or side with me by the few people who know) is driving me crazy.
Not this weekend, but next weekend I plan to be in the house permanently. There may still be a few things here in the apartment to deal with, but I'll be living away from him. Shortly after that, Jezi will be moving in with me (because a 3 BR house is a little big and lonely for one person, and she needed a change of scenery anyway) so I'll FINALLY have someone to be able to go out and socialize with. Then her SO and BMF want to visit in mid-March during Spring Break, and another friend wants to come down to visit at some point.
Things WILL turn around.
And he's gonna regret EVERYTHING. His loss. I'm gonna survive this.