Living for ONE day..today

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Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Please, find Inspiration in my blog..it is meant to inspire you.

Last night I stood next to my mother's hospital bed, holding her hand and crying, with her. In one of the rare moments yesterday, my mother recognized me long enough to say that she loved me and didn't want to go. She hasn't gone as of yet, she remains stable, but the doctor has given me two days to make a choice, she lives on a machine or I let her go naturally. She has about 5% chance of living without the machine.

Have you ever been in this position? This is terrible drama for a fat person with an emotion eating disorder. You may be asking yourself how I could write such a blog detailing my life. Like Snowangeldiva who dances when sad, happy and for pure joy, I write. I suppose it is therapeutic for me just as her dancing is to my dear friend. Even with that said my eyes are blinding me with tears so it is a good thing I can type without looking at the keys. My friends, I hurt so bad I can't stand it. I am scared to lose the one constant person who has loved me unconditionally my whole life. My mother is not just my mama, she is my best friend, she is the one person who stood by me when I was raped, through my addictions of drugs, alcohol.and my ever present food addiction. When I was 536 pounds, my mother was the only person, besides my children, who looked at me without disgust and didn't treat me as if I didn't matter.

One of my mother's last wishes has been for me to get my life back. At 536 pounds my life wasn't a life. I sat day after day on the couch, sleeping on the couch and eating on the couch, because that is what I could do. My mother believed in me that I could do more, but I didn't believe I could. About a year ago, just after all this began, my journey of a healthier lifestyle, she confided in me that she was afraid to die due to the fact she no longer thought I could take care of myself and that I would leave my children motherless. I can't begin to tell you how much joy my mother has had seeing me drop over 200 pounds, because I can get up without crying in pain, I can go into places...most of that is due to self esteem, my drive for life is coming back slowly but for sure, I get up when something is needed...this used to be a real issue. Everyone had to cater to me, now I can cater to everyone and wow is that a good feeling.

When people look at me they do see someone who is over 300 pounds, but now they are starting to open up to me, confide in me and I finally have a friend here, Martina. Martina is a person I have grown to adore as my newest and only friend in this town. She sees me for me, just like mom. I need that now more then ever. I know that 300 pounds is HUGE to anyone, but to me I feel so darn skinny compared to what I once was.

Okay, now I am rambling. If you only read one part of my blog, PLEASE READ THIS PART.

Living for one day!

My mother, who had a very hard life, taught me to be tough on the outside. Most people are scared to death of me, to me this is so silly, but my outside doesn't match my insides of who I am. My mother was so hurt in her life that she became a fierce storm to be reckoned with. No matter what happened in my mother's life she would be ready to take it on, never once did I see her back down or run and hide from anything or anyone. Me? The chicken of it all really, I would rather bury my head in sand and let her tackle those issues for me. Imagine how I gained all this weight?!

My mother was never happy. I don't think ever in her life honestly. She was in a car accident with her younger brothers and sisters, her mother and her drunken father. Everyone was killed except her father and her. She wasn't allowed as a child to talk to her father and was given to her grandparents that even at that time were elderly and had grown senile by the time she was preteen age. No one to take her or able to take her, she ended up in an orphanage and alone. By the time she was 17 yrs old she lived on the streets and learned how to do odd jobs to make money and live. Then she had me, I am sure one of her biggest regrets due to the fact she had such a hard time taking care of herself and then adding me on to it as well. My father, no help to her, was a drunk, a mobster and unknown to her at the time was a married man. I guess you can see her life just didn't get easier.

She was always, and I do mean always living for the big "ONE" day, when our lives would change for the good. When we wouldn't have to worry about how to not go hungry, which she did often to feed her children.

Her ONE day never came. She married a man who ultimately ruined the rest of her life. He beat her severely making her wear black and blue glasses daily and refused to let her go until the day he died. She had to move just to get any relief from him, but he would follow her and move around the corner from her, as crazy as he was he thought this was love. She never allowed herself to fall in love or have a relationship again in her life. This was her choice, one she made on conscience level, but one I know she must have regretted at some point in her life as she was young when she made this choice. For someone to do this, you know she must have gone through some real hell that I can't explain to you here without it being ten blogs long. I can only tell you that the life we had at that time was beyond terrifying, beyond explanation because very few people no what it is to live a life with that kind of monster and be fearful of every move you made not to set the monster in motion. In motion meant beatings and rapes for my dear mother. If you read a previous blog of mine, I explain this monster as being the one who would lock me into the closet when my mother wasn't home and would hang me with a belt, just enough so I wouldn't die. Even now as I write this I can feel the coldness and darkness of the closet and the fear I felt knowing he could do much worse and often told me how that much worse could or would be.

In the past week, I have gorged myself with food. Anything to help forget and comfort me. I have regained seven previous pounds I had lost. My mind knew better, but my body wanted a release, it was either that or go back to drinking the bottle of rum I bought that sits here in my hand. One drink of this and I will lose my ONE day. One more drop of bad food and I will lose my ONE day.

Last night I cried, God, what else do you want from me and mama? In the past two and a half months I have lost my stable home, lost of one my best friends, lost a nursing home patient I dearly loved, and now my mama which is by far the biggest loss I will have lost thus far in my life. How am I to make choices that I don't think I can live with? Where or what is the lesson here?

God answered me this morning. He made me get up out of bed even though I didn't want to. He made me feel pain, even though I didn't want to. He is making me confront my choices and made me realize today is a new day and eating unhealthy is not going to change the choices in front of me.
All of a sudden I remembered the conversation my mother had with me about living and one day I would be happy and healthy again. I didn't tell her at the time, I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. Then like a ton of brick it came to me...her one day would never ever be there for her. She knew this..knows this. This is why she kept pushing for me to have a chance to have one more day.

You may say this is a sad blog, but this blog is NOT sad darlings. It is a renew of everything good that can happen. I am going to make that ONE day happen, for me, my children and my dearest mother.

After everything I just poured out of my heart and laid on the line in this blog, I hope you too will feel inspired to stand up and take your ONE day. Start living for today, even if you are 500 pounds. We don't have much time in life, so feeling regrets is not going to make life better...we need to reach for life NOW, because your ONE day could slip by like mama's has. YOU must start taking care of YOU! Never allow yourself to live the life of regrets I have. Please, don't beat yourself up over a few pounds..just get back on track...stay on track or whatever makes you happy.

Am I happy? NO, I am not. I have to make a choice in the next couple of days that could end my mother's life. No one in her right mind would be happy. My comfort no matter what is knowing that my mother's ONE day will happen in heaven, that GOD will give her that ONE day, because she has lived hell already and she deserves so much more.

I find myself at the Fork in the road. In a few weeks from now, I believe my mother, my best friend, will be gone, my housing will vanish and I will find myself on the ONE day trip. When I have the last talk with my mother..even if she can't respond, I am going to tell her that my ONE day is coming, that I am going to find a new house, find someone that is willing to give me a chance again to work and a road to happiness and success. I am most of all going to beat this weight loss battle and I am going to do that right here at Spark People, which by the way she LOVES. She has it linked to her personal page and reads everything she can on it. She feels like Spark really helped save my life and the friends that I have found here are invaluable assets to my life. She is right.

I love Spark People, I adore all my friends here and most of all I love the support, friendship and the constant unconditional friendship you provide me. No one makes me feel as if I am not good enough, in fact, you make me feel like a super star, so all in all I would say that having my one day starts right here with Spark People.

I hope that if you read this to the end you will feel inspired to keep moving on in your life, grab your ONE day, that is today and live NOW no matter what your size, your issues, addictions or personal life. YOU and I are going to be here and we are going to make our ONE days..everyday.

Most likely, I won't be one after today for some time, due to all the things in my life. However, I want you to know that I am here in spirit and that I am thinking, praying and holding each of you in my heart. I can't tell you how much I miss you all and watching and sharing your life and journey. Please give me time to return, BUT please don't leave me by the waste side. I will be back..

Love to all and God Bless!

Your dear friend always,

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    2224 days ago

    My heart goes out to you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I lost my dear mother over 6 years ago. I still miss her, but I know that she is with me in spirit as I continue through life. Reading your blog brought back a flood of memories of my mother's unconditional love.

    You are facing some really tough stuff. I pray that you will face it "clean and sober." The only way out of your grief is to go through it. Anesthetizing the grief with food or drink only prolongs it. I know. I've been there. Your ONE days are coming! You are a strong, vibrant woman, and an inspiration to us all.
    Peace and love,
    2224 days ago
    Yes you did inspire me! And you will have your ONE day very very soon . My prayers are with you and your mother. You are one helluva strong woman. You should be soooo proud of yourself! emoticon
    2224 days ago
  • FITBY40-2015
    sorry for everything that you are going through.....my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time and i hope u get the strength and courage from within to get through this hard time....you will have your mom in a better places watching over you as you continue to make wonderful changes in your life. take care and be strong.....your one day is closer then you think! emoticon emoticon
    2224 days ago
  • KELSER84
    You brought tears to my eyes, I can't begin to understand your pain since my mother is my best friend as well. She has been my biggest supporter in losing weight. I am sending lots of good thoughts your way.

    You inspire me. Your weightloss, your love for your mother, your reason for getting healthy, simply inspiring.
    2224 days ago
    Wow, you brought tears to my eyes with your blog! God bless you and your Momma!
    2224 days ago
  • STIM81
    such an incredible story- you are such an inspiration and I admire your strength. Your blog brought tears to my eyes but opened them as well. I am waiting on my ONE day and this just motivates me to work harder and push myself to success. My heart, thoughts & prayers go out to you and your dear momma. hugs to you

    ~ your spark friend Steph!!!!! emoticon
    2224 days ago
    Such sad stories--both your past, your mom's past and now this decision you are faced with. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
    2224 days ago
    You are in my thoughts. You are amazing for sharing all of this. And through your struggles still trying to inspire people to be their best version of theirselves. That's just amazing. Please know that my heart is with you during this time. emoticon
    2224 days ago
    I cannot even imagine what you're going through! You are an incredibly strong woman. I was looking through your pictures and I couldn't stop thinking how happy&healthy your children look! With all the hardships in your life you *have* to be a supermom to raise such happy children. That itself is a tribute to your own mom!

    If you ever feel like you are getting derailed off our weight loss journey you should go back and read your own first blog "mother rejected by son". That is one powerful motivation blog!!

    You are in my prayers!!
    2224 days ago
    Your mama will be watching over you and you already KNOW that she is proud of you. You are having your ONE day right now, I think, odd as that sounds, because you are rising above. Keep up the good work, in your mama's honor. God Bless you and yours.
    2224 days ago
    Oh Kristin... you are a strong, wild fire for certain. What a story, what a journey... God only gives us challenges in life that God KNOWS we can handle, so in a strange twisted way, it's a compliment to your integrity and courage to bear the hand you've been dealt. My prayers and comfort extend to you during this stormy period in life... you will have your "ONE DAY" for many many years to come-- It's in store for you, dear. *hugs & prayers* ~Whit
    2224 days ago
    May God wrap you in his peace during this very difficult time. emoticon

    2224 days ago
    2224 days ago
    You Inspire me to take my one day. Thank you.
    2224 days ago
  • JIVANA108
    Kristin my thoughts and prayers are with you and the decisions you're facing. May you find peace within yourself and your heart no matter what you decide.
    We are here for you thank you for being here and sharing!

    2224 days ago
  • THEIS58
    Wow. All the best to you as you move forward
    2224 days ago
    Such a beautiful blog Kristan. Thankyou for sharing it. Wish we lived closer so I could give you a true hug and help you through this difficult time. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. My mom also like you is by best friend. I feel your pain. If you still have my personal email address please feel free to contact me. Ifnot let me know and I'll get it to you. emoticon
    2224 days ago
    You, your mom, and family are in my prayers.
    2224 days ago
    You know I have this belief that with all people who are in any state of wellness or unwellness there is an Island of lucidity. I have experienced this through my work as a nurse. It is wonderful that she saw you and knew who you are. Such a wonderful memory to carry for the rest of your life. My hugs go out to you with many blessings.
    2224 days ago
    Hold on Kristin, you have come so far, but it is hard to see your mother in her last days,but know that her earthly suffering will be over and she will have everlasting PEACE. You will be in my prayers.
    2224 days ago
    Hang in there, Kristin!
    Hugs and love,
    2224 days ago
    I know you have many decisions to make in the near future. I am praying for you. You are a brave and amazing woman! emoticon
    2225 days ago
    To one day and the many others that strong, beautiful and resilient women like us create!

    2225 days ago
    Here is to our ONE day!!!!!!!! Bless you! praying for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    2225 days ago
    Thank you for sharing. I am glad you are finding the way on your journey.
    2225 days ago
    2225 days ago
    My dear, dear friend....I am holding you in my prayers!
    A truly brave and loving person you are, wish we could all be there in person to hold your hand and be a shoulder to cry on. We weep with you I know the pain my dear mother has been gone so long. I have had the privilege to be with 2 very dear friends when they passed from this life to the next and I feel for what you have to decide but God will give you the strength to see this through, you will feel the pain and the anguish but know that your special mum will have her day, she will be in a place where there is only joy, no more tears and pain. You must assure her that you too will have your day here with your children and with all your friends here on SP.
    Be assured she has given thanks many times to have had you in her life and I am very sure she is proud of how far you have come. Peace my special friend..you know where I am should you need me. emoticon emoticon
    2225 days ago
    God Bless You. Thinking of you during this time
    2225 days ago
    Kristin I want you to know that while you are stuggling with your choice that God is in control. Lay it at his feet and he will guide you to the right choice. You are right your mamma deserves her ONE DAY and she will get that in heaven and she will be watching your journey. She knows you can do it and has pushed you to know you can do it. Make her proud my dear. Lay it all out to God and walk away from it for a while. If you turn it over to him he will make everything clear for you. I won't make it any easier to let go but I sure hope you can find God's peace in this time of trouble and that you don't try to find it at the bottom of a half gallon of ice cream because you won't find it there. You will find it in your heart if you ask God to pour over you and ease the pain. It is never easy but I know you can do it. Look how far you have come. You are an amazing lady and you will be okay. You have seen what your mother has lived and you will be sure you and your children don't live it. She is proud of you! We, your spark friends, are proud of you! Your kids are proud of you! You also need to be proud of you! Love and hugs.
    2225 days ago
    Such and inspiration..

    2225 days ago
  • MILLIE5522
    There is a huge lump in my throat and tears in my eyes dear Kristin. You have been loved by your Mum and your children and I know because you are such a wonderful person with a soul made of gold that you will have love in your life for the rest of your days. I feel honoured that you have shared your pain with us. I wish I could give you a big hug. With love, Sarah emoticon
    2225 days ago
    I am deeply touched by your post and your bravery.
    May God be with you and may he hold you in his loving hands as you face your trials.
    2225 days ago
    Oh, honey, I am so heartbroken for you and so proud of you all at the same time. Crazy people laugh and cry and beam with pride and hope all at the same time. I'm one of them, apparently, because that is what I am doing. Oh, what I would not give to live next door to you, to be able to hold your hand and encourage you in real ways, to hug your boys and pray with all of you, to hold your mother's hand and assure her that her future is something wonderful to behold as she crosses the threshold from this life to the next, into the arms of a Bridegroom who will only and always love her and love her exquisitely. He will wipe away her last tear, for she will never hurt again, not in her body, not in her mind, not in her heart of hearts. Jesus promised to not leave us comfortless. He assured us that the Holy Spirit would comfort us in our sorrow, lest we become desolate. Grief is so hard but we do survive it with God's help. You have encouraged me more than you can know in my own journey this day, my day, your day, our day.

    Nobody can make the decision you must make concerning your mother but you and that is such a heavy burden. My three brothers (all teenagers when I was born) stood in a hospital hallway and had to make that decision for my dad and it was agonizing. We knew it was cruel to try to keep him here longer than his body was equipped to stay and we knew that signing a DNR was the right thing to do. Still, it was such a horrid, terrible thing to have to do. That very moment is why I have my youngest daughter, who is the biggest joy of my life. I knew my then only child, Michelle, should never be forced to stand in that hallway, deciding my fate one day, bearing the burden of it alone. Though my marriage was in ruin, I knew right then that I had to have another child. Oh, how thankful I am that God had a plan I could not see. My marriage ended, after 17 years, but I have never for one moment regretted having my Melanie, now 14. I know that your mother has never for one moment regretted having you, her joy, her love. And I know that whatever decision you make will be the right one for your mom and for you. Once it's made, leave it in God's loving hands, my darling, precious friend. Let Him hold it. Do not allow second guesses to smother the life out of you. This world is temporary. Eternity is real. I love you.
    2225 days ago
  • NEWAT56
    Kristin--I do not have the words I need to say to comfort you, but know that I am saying a prayer for you now.
    I have already lost my mother so I know the pain you are facing. God can ease that pain.
    You have accomplished so much and through your blog you are helping so many, including me.
    I feel ashamed that I whine about losing weight.
    Thanks for your words.
    God bless you.

    2225 days ago
  • LUCYLU22
    I am crying with you, dear one! I will be thinking and praying for both you and your mama. May GOD hold you close during this difficult time, HE is with you. Your ONE day is on the way, my dear sparkfriend. I will be hold you in my prayers while you are away from Spark, and will welcome you back with open arms upon your return.
    2226 days ago
    Kristin, you said your Mom was 17 when she had you and you are sure you were one of her biggest regrets; everything else you say about her how she stands by you, fights for you, cherishes you and adores you shows otherwise. You indeed are her sunshine ~ her air. Know she does adore you.
    I'm praying for you and your family. I'll be praying for wisdom, strength, provision and an outpouring of His presence.
    Know that I am standing beside you in spirit wanting to bear with you your burdens...and will be right here when you want me to distract, comfort, cheer, or come alongside you.
    emoticon emoticon
    2226 days ago
    Be sure to save this blog in your journal....assume you have one. This truly lays it all out on paper, and makes it easier to deal with.....It is so touching about your Mom.....I wonder if you might read it to her....at least in part... I can TELL YOU LOVE YOUR MAMMA....I too LOVE my MAMMA, Our Moms are so special....they made us, and they raised us to be who we are.... your mom may have had an awful life, but she had you....a BRIGHT LIGHT in her life......

    God bless you sister.....God bless....
    2226 days ago
    Oh Kristen.. shivers.. and tears.. and guilt and inspiration..
    I'm so sad that your Mom never had her one day and has lived such hell on Earth. Guilt for eating emotionally when I haven't got any major baggage like you or your Mom to deal with. I pray for you through the next few months for you to have strength and faith.. It is not an easy path.. but you will, YES, YOU WILL - have your One Day.

    With Love,
    2226 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/15/2012 9:03:49 PM
  • KARAMAC2012
    Such a moving and inspirational post. I sincerely hope you are able to make the decisions you will need to make, and that you can do this in such a way that you are able to move on from there as you so clearly have moved on from so much else in your life.
    Along with so many others on here, my thoughts will be with you and your mother x emoticon
    2226 days ago
  • LIONESS822
    You are such an inspiration to me...I cant imagine going through everything you are & having the courage to blog about it.

    You & your entire family are in my thoughts & prayers & remember that if you need anything....to talk anytime day or nite...or anything...please call me!

    Love you all!

    2226 days ago
    I will keep you, your mom, and your family in my prayers. emoticon
    2226 days ago
    You are loved. My prayers are with you!
    2226 days ago
    You are so brave to pour all of this out to us. We will be here when you return.

    I love you, Dear Spark Friend. You and your family are in my prayers.
    2226 days ago
    God bless you & your children. He will help you make the decision about your mother.

    Keep the faith & remember if you do "One Day" at a time in life choices you will not be wrong.

    My thoughts & prayers are with you. Keep in touch with us.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2226 days ago
    You needed to get this out. I am sitting here right now thanking God that you are part of him. About halfway through your blog I was thinking to myself, "if anyone ever needed God it is this woman" I was so relieved to find that he is there for you.

    I lost my father to brain cancer, that was part of my downhill spiral.. please do not let that happen to you! You have worked so hard to get those 200 hundred pounds off. Try to keep focus of how it felt each time you stepped on those scales and saw the number was less.. try to hold those good feelings.. get rid of all the booze in the house, we really don't need it, and then the temptation is gone.

    Always hang onto your accomplishments.. remember how happy you have made your mother and how happy she has made you.. that can never be taken away from you or her. Try to take comfort in knowing she will be with God, at peace and not suffering.

    You coming here, sharing your story and your incredible weightloss journey has probably had a positive impact on far more people than you are aware of. You give us hope, you give us inspiration. I started here in 07 at 330lbs. I quit using the food log.. and let the stress of school get to me and now I have gained back 50 some pounds.. along with it came arthritis.. I am so crippled up at 57yo.. but I came back to this wonderful community where I know I have the support and tools I need.. pages like yours are what I need too.. so for that I say "thank you"..... and I am asking you to please be strong right now.. because your mother needs you.. your children need you... and we need you too...

    Many smiles to you.. a big hug and prayers for you and your dear mother, she is so lucky to have such a loving daughter by her side.
    2226 days ago
  • DOROTHY1331
    Kristin, you and your Momma are in my prayers. Since you can do it, so can I. I wish I could hug you with all my 315 pounds right now.
    2226 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    2226 days ago
    emoticon You are doing wonderful on this journey and I find you very inspirational. You are going through so much in your life, yet you are able to continue on your journey. We went through a similar situation with my grandma (a year and a month ago exactly today). It was rough but having SparkPeople really helped me through it. I can't help but smile when I read your blogs. I am so proud of the changes you have made to living as a healthier you.
    2226 days ago
    Agree with everything you said, my fellow Kristin. Just as I promised my mOm, you've promised your mom you will continue to get health and make every moment count. My prayers and strength are with you at this difficult time.
    2226 days ago
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