Monday, February 13, 2012
Valentines Day used to be so hard, Then I found my husband and It was wonderful. But somehow in the 7 years we have been married I just don't feel it anymore. I don't feel appreciated, or loved. I just don't.
Over the years we have been through counseling, and therapy, and done workshops. He has betrayed my trust so many times I really just don't know If I can still fight for us.
I feel that I am the only one fighting, he just does what he wants whether it hurts or not.
We have been through so much together so many losses and so many hardships. I thought they would only make us stronger but It seems to have had the opposite effect.
He has an addiction, I will not say anything more than that. He refuses to do what he knows is the only thing that will get him to stop. Get help! He is constantly breaking the trust I have built every time I build it. It is not just the addiction itself that hurts me but the constant lying and manipulation. The disrespect towards me. I really am scared because I really am so lost now. I feel alone and just hurt. The other day I called him on the way from school, he said to take my time getting home and I said please don't hurt me I need to be able to trust you., we have come this far please don't break it again. He said I won't do that to you again. Well later after I got home I just new. After the entire night of denials and lies he finally said" I was doing it when you called me. Then after I hung up and talked with you I still did it". How can he care for me, how can he love me? and lie strait to me like that and then after I plead to him not to hurt me still do it?
I have told him all along That trust is huge for me, I was hurt when I was younger by someone and it has scared me for life. I told him I could not marry him if he was going to do this. He said he would stop. Since then I have supported him, stood by him and helped him through therapy, counselling and so many other attempts. I have stood by him and forgotten about me. I have fallen deeper and deeper into this sadness, low self worth each time he has betrayed me.
When I was looking through the Valentines Cards this year I had t o read them all, I could not find one card that was valid. All the husband cards said words like, honesty, eyes only for me, trust, open, we are a team, caring, supportive, passionate, selfless... none of these are my husband, not anymore.
I have been working on me for a few months now, finishing school, trying to get healthier, getting stronger, and I have realized that I have self worth, I am a giving caring and loving person that deserves better.
Today, I told him that if I am going to stay married to him he needs to do what he knows he needs to do to stop this. He said "you want me to give up something I enjoy," It is like we never had any treatment, counseling or therapy ever before. He is back at square one all over again. I am not strong enough to do this again.
I have been through so so much, with being so sick, losing my father,3 miscarriages, infertility, and what happened to me when I was younger.
I only have fight left for me. Energy left for me, I will no longer love enough for the both of us, I will no longer let him lie to me, I will no longer accept empty promises. I deserve better.
Futuredad is my husband, he doesnt get it, he doesn't think that he is loosing me. He still thinks that he can do what he wants lie to me and deceive me. Maybe he doesn't care. either way if he doesn't get help, and get rid of it. He doesn't get to keep me, no more hurt for me I am done.
Sorry that this is not a happy blog, But I just don't have anyone to talk to and I feel alone. I feel so hurt and alone.