Monday, February 13, 2012
I feel I may have reached an impasse.
I have been rather unmotivated to work out the last week or so. My gym attendance has been spotty, and my wii fit has not had the opportunity to call me obese in at least 2 weeks.
I have lost a whole 50 lbs on my journey thus far, and I know that should be something worth celebrating and continuing, but I don't feel up to it. I don't feel like i have what it takes to keep up with such arduous efforts.
I don't really understand why I dread going to the gym so much, I enjoy it quite well once I'm there, its the getting through the door part that sucks.
Also, I have been on my period for over 2 weeks now, read up on one of my medication sheets and it says smack dab in the middle "if you are on oral contraceptives, you should not take this medication, it will reduce the effectiveness of this medication and if you experience breakthrough bleeding, please contact your healthcare provider"... to paraphrase.
So i freaked out last night, crying and rocking back and forth and the like, called the advice nurse. She says there's nothing to worry about, its not life threatening and so long as I don't start gushing blood, bruising easily, get a fever or develop dizziness that I am alright to wait til my recheck appointment on the 16th.
needless to say however, the whole situation is uncomfortable and is putting a damper on my motivation to continue working out, i have not really felt depressed, just unwilling to workout. I would rather lay in bed watching netflix where its warm, or play video games or go shopping, or hangout with friends than workout right now.
If it isn't one thing, its another.
I should have known better than to try to manage my anxiety, bipolar and depression with medication, I should have just dealt with it on my own like i have all these years anyway. The meds are causing more anxiety than they were meant to help treat.
I just want to feel beautiful, being fat like I am I am incapable of feeling that way. I know everyone always says you should love yourself the way you look now too, but if i did, i wouldn't even want to change.
I just want to be beautiful.