Monday, February 13, 2012
It has been close to 3 months since I have sparked. I have gained 20 pounds in that 3 months,. Not good. I am feeling a little low. No I am feeling Real low.
I still have a wonderful life. Family, friends and a job. What is missing? I keep asking myself that. I think I have found it. I have not self worth. Sure I talk the talk, but can't find the strength to walk the walk.
I had my knee surgery in December just before Christmas. I am doing much better but not as good as I would like. I did not work for almost 6 weeks. That means no pay for 6 weeks. That is what I get for being self employed. I guess there is some benefits working for "the man".
I just got back to work and mom asks me to go to the doctors with her. She fells fine but the diagnose is Pancreas Cancer. 6 months to maybe a year. Tough pill to swallow. I am sure she has made piece with it, Me I know what to expect, I understand that I am in for a whole new journey in my life. Not an exciting journey but one that will have to be taken.
many, many people go through times just like this and worse. They make it through a little scared, stronger and wiser. Me I am not a smart women, nor am I strong. Actually I have been compared to a wet noodle more then once.
One of my big fears is that I am going to eat my way through the next year. I have already gained 20lbs back. When I eat I still do my self awareness questions. I always ask 1. am I hungry? 2. Is this the best choose I can make. 3. do I really ned it? And I will answer no to all 3 questions and eat it anyway. Two hard years it took me to be self aware of what I was putting in my body and in a matter of weeks all is lost.
I know that I have to look after me to help my mom. I know that I must be in strong physical as well as mental health to get through the next few months. It is hard for me to put my needs first. It took me more then 50 years to learn that I was important. One of my best findings on Sparkpeople.
I hope to find the inner strength everyday to log onto sparkpeople and to find the time for me but I have been saying that for a month now. I am here today. Since I have been writhing this blog I have had to change 2 diapers, potty 2. Talk to a parent of one of my charges who came today who is not on the schedule talk to the car mechanic, locate my receipt book and start lunch for 6 kids,.
I guess I better end this blog the lunch timer is about to go off. I just wanted to let you know what was happening and why I have not answered my spark mails.