Friday, February 10, 2012
Insomnia!!! Not really. It's just one night of not sleeping. But it bothers me because I really can't sleep all day tomorrow and I don't want to be falling asleep at work tomorrow night.
So tonight everything is hunky dorrry as normal with Josh and I. I love my husband. He's the best thing to ever happen to me. We lay down in bed and he's got a cold so I'm being a comforting wife and rubbing his back. Then he tells me his back is hurting him. He's very tall with very bad posture so I've been asking him to go to a chiropractor for a while.
He sighs and goes "Yah, I know."
And then I said "What if I got you in for a doctor visit. You can ask for a referral to a chiropractor, we can get you in for a sleep test (I'm 100% sure he has sleep apnea), and a cardiologist."
And he goes "Cardiologist? Pfffft. Why?"
"Because your mom has heart issues and you haven't seen one... ever... so I'm worried about you."
And he rolls his eyes at me and goes "Well stop, its stupid."
K here's a topic I throw down on. Most of you know I grew up with a dad that had multiple heart attacks, more than one angioplasty, and quadruple bipass. It will scar you for life to live in that fear. And that's as a child. I watched my dad have a few of those heart attacks. I was little little with his first one. You don't forget that fear. Now I'm a wife. The most important thing to me in the world is my husband. I'm scared every day that I'm going to come home from work and he's going to be dead. He's not taking care of himself, of course I'm scared. And he wants to roll his eyes at me and blow it off. NOT OK.
So I get out bed and say "Whoa, you know how I feel about heart conditions. I don't take them lightly. Not everyone is as lucky as my dad is. You could be taken from me in seconds. There's no coming back. When you're gone you're gone. And you want to treat me like I'm overreacting."
What's his response?
"If I reacted to every one of your overreactions, I wouldn't have any time left in the day."
Without getting all diva here.... I react to things that really bother me. When a person treats my like trash for no reason, I get upset. When someone goes off on my or any other kid, I get upset. When I feel backed into a corner, I get upset. Those are natural things to be upset about. Even higher on the list of things to react to is my husbands health. It was hard for me to confront him on it. So for him to make that comment to me was funny to him but extremely hurtful to me
So I let him have it. I told him that felt like a slap in the face and that it's hard for me to have this conversation. I said the worst thing that could happen to me is to lose him. There is no me without him. If he died I would be unrepairable. The world would meet a new me that isn't complete.
"I'm really tired and want to go to bed so if you want a heart to heart on this go talk to the mirror."
K so I forgot to mention this is at around 11 pm and he's got a cold. Why did I forget to mention that? Because I don't give a flip. I can't be ok with just leaving this conversation like it is. So I walk out of the room to breath for a sec. I come back in... HE'S ASLEEP.
So why is it that I'm tossing and turning and frustrated and want to kick puppies or some other cute adorably fuzzy creature and he's sound asleep.
What do I expect from guys- for them to be asleep.
What do I expect from my husband- my wife is hurting, she is physically pained from this, maybe I should give her 5 min and talk this out to where we can come to an agreement tonight and work on it in the morning.
Am I wrong in this?
I know Josh is a thinker and I'm a heart to heart person. I know his "ok" is really a full novel of words, but I want that novel. I want to hear his thoughts. I want to hear where he's coming from. And I want him to be (I know this sounds bad) is as much misery as I am about this.
I'm tired and I want to sleep but when I shut my eyes and try to calm down it just gets worse.