No, I am not a hypocrite. And, actually, while I definitely appreciate the votes of confidence, I relied on my experience and my conscience to cast the deciding votes. If you read the blog I posted yesterday (and if you haven't, this probably doesn't make sense, actually) you know I went to a nursing home to visit a relative who is bedridden due to complications from morbid obesity and diabetes and a host of other ailments. She is 68. I am 52. 68 does not sound very old to me, certainly not "bedridden in a nursing home" old. She requested candy. I refused and told her why. I told her: "I brought you some things you asked for but I did not bring you candy. I do not bring candy to people with diabetes for the same reason I do not ask people to bring me booze, since I am recovering alcoholic. It makes no sense." She gave a little smirk but did not argue. I did bring her nuts, since those have protein and protein is, in my vast experience, a good antidote to sugar cravings, and nuts, of course, have actual nutritional value as opposed to candy (no matter what the Raisinettes bag says about "Antioxidants!") So, of course, more than a handful of nuts isn't a great idea, either, but I can't control her hand-to-mouth action - I have enough trouble controlling my own.
I got so much great feedback from yesterday's blog, as usual. I love blog comments - it is like getting little shots of wisdom and compassion (with the occasional smack upside the head). The comments, as always, are thought provoking. I think some of my concern about hypocrisy stemmed from my own requests, to my own children, especially in my pre-Spark, "fat and getting ever fatter" days, to "bring me something from the little store". We have a neighborhood market and my teenage son and his younger brother would walk there, sometimes, in the summer, and I would ask them to bring me candy, etc. What would I have done if one of my boys had summoned the courage to say to me "No, Mom, you are fat enough - I won't help you get any fatter." It would have stung, for sure. It would have caused me to argue, since I was in craving mode and that does not make for a happy-Cannie. But, it would have ultimately stopped me in my tracks, I think. I did, at some point, after having lost some weight and gained some perspective, apologize to my boys for asking them to bring me food I did not need, and had no business eating. I have also, due to the situation in our family with Millie, which they are all too aware of, given them specific instructions to yell at me if I am ever in a similar condition and ask them to help me get sicker. It seems so trivial on the surface - "hey, honey, please bring me some (fill in the blank with whatever fatty, sugary foods you think of). But, in reality, I was basically saying "hey, boys, whom I love dearly, and who depend on me and look at me as a role model - would you mind getting me some stuff so I can slowly, disgustingly, erode my health and cause myself a premature death?" Okay, now that I have typed those words, you know they are going to be on my conscience the next time I am tempted to have someone help me overeat or binge by bringing me unnecessary food(s) and, you bet I will be tempted. I have a long way to go to gain some distance from some of my disorderly eating ways, though I have also made real progress in the last year.
This issue reminds me of my basic philosophy for raising teenagers (I have a temporary respite from that job since my three older children are all official adults, and my little one is only 8 years old). Anyway, this is my motto: "I am not going to help you do something that I do not want you to do. It is true that I cannot stop you from doing what you are hell-bent on doing, but I will not make it easier." I have other areas in my life where I need to get more serious about applying this motto, but that is another blog on another day. Thank you, Sparklers, for helping me be stronger. And, the votes of confidence don't hurt, either.