Monday, February 06, 2012
I did it once, I can do it again. For years I went to WW meetings. Every Saturday morning. I got down to 160. 3 pounds under my goal. I made Lifetime. It was one of the proudest moments of my life. I was running. 6-7 miles a day. I was happy. Healthy. I was me. I got sick. Depression. PTSD. Anxiety. Panic. Eating disorder. My back hurt. Degenerative disk disease and sciatica kicked in. Depression was my alter-ego. She made me hungry. I ate to control my emotions. I ate to feel better. Disk disease kicked me in the ass. The pain prevented me from running. The weight came back, and then some. Death. Divorce. I spiraled out of control. Food was comfort. Food was my only friend. Now I am worse than ever. Degenerative arthritis in my lower back and hips. Weight is making it worse. The pain is almost unmanageable and controlling my life. I want to kick pains ass. I want to lose the weight so the pain will be controllable. Its a terrible cycle.
I can't afford the $20 month online fee. I can't afford $13 a week for meetings. I did go for a little while last year and was able to see that not only had the WW Points changed, that I had changed. I ordered the at home kit. A one time investment.
I did it once, I can do it again. I want to get back to my Lifetime goal, or maybe 180. My doctor said it was good and she would write me a letter to have WW change it.
Nothing else seems to work for me. Calorie counting, yes free, but I just can't seem to get out of points mode. Nutrisystem, I am tired of eating the same thing over and over. I need to learn how to eat out. I need to learn how to cook meals for my family. I need to relearn how to establish my food intake on WW again. I need this. My body needs it. My health needs it and my family needs me.
I have 3 more weeks on the Nutrisystem contract. I have the option to renew for 2 more months as part of the bloggers program. I do not think I will renew. I went through this the last time I was on the program. I get all excited, but after eating the same meals over and over I start to get frustrated. I want to be able to eat real food. Food that I cook. I love cooking and I just feel so deprived.
I can't figure out of the whole calorie counting. I know its supposed to be easy. I know its free and readily available. I think the problem is I was on WW for so long that my brain still counts everything in Points mode. I have tried so many times, here on SP and over on My Fitness Pal to count calories and I use the iPhone apps. But I just can't seem to make it work for me. Sounds stupid, I know. It could just be a psycological thing where I have convinced myself that since WW worked for me so well in the past its the only thing thats going to work for me now. It does help that so many people around me are on WW and it makes it easier on me when I have that support system. It also helps that my husband is on board. He grew tired of Nutrisystem long ago.
I am sort of at a lost. Not sure what I should do. But, since I have the WW materials I will likely go back to points mode and visiting the WW groups here on SP because I love the community here on SP much more than WW. I find the forums there to be rude, short tempered and full of crass people. That does me no good for weight loss.
All I know is that I am tired of being in pain. I am tired of being so self conscious that I do nothing but stay home because I can't deal with people looking at me.