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    HARLEYGAL55   16,067
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A little left-over grieving I guess.


Wednesday, February 01, 2012

When I come to Indianapolis, I still need to take time to go through some of our mom & dad's things which we still have in a storage unit. I think that the stress of doing this might have some effect on my blah, sick feelings when I'm down here for any length of time. (At least, that's what my therapist daughter tells me and I trust she knows what she is talking about.) :) It does make some sense, because after my father died in 2000, I felt the need to be the "head" of the family since I was the eldest sibling. Our mom was already starting to have some issues with depression, etc. I'm not sure if I truly grieved his loss as much as I needed to. Living out of state, I was able to go back to "my life" and wasn't forced to face the loss on a daily basis. Yes, I cried lots and yes, I thought I was grieving how I needed to. I may have been doing everything I needed and could do at the time. I'm still trying to figure this all out. When I wrote my earlier blog last year about grieving, I mentioned how it can come back when least expected. Well, it has hit me big time this week.

While going through a box of "junk", I ran across over 50 cards & letters from around the world with congratulations to my dad when he retired. After reading some of the ways he helped & influenced people, it still hits me just how much of an impact he had on all those he met. Some of the people he worked w/ in Japan actually handmade pictures & cards for him! These were people he worked with, not good friends for a long period of time! He was a genuinely loving person and it showed in how people reacted to him. I miss his warm bear hugs, his sit down talks and his laugh. I just miss everything about him and yes, it still hurts!

I do feel blessed that I had a father who was so caring. I know that is not always the case. He has taught me to love unconditionally and to believe with all my heart that no one is any better or worse than anyone else. He would say, "God loves all and so should I". :) He also taught me that trust and reputation are some of the hardest things to earn back.

Well, on that note, better end this. I'm feeling a bit better. Thanks for "listening".
Now to figure out what to do with the work papers in his filing drawer.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LENKA763 2/2/2012 4:47PM

    I hope you feeling better.
Hugs Lenka

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LNSYLVSDOGS 2/2/2012 6:35AM

    I, too, lost my dad (2001) who lived long distance from me. A few years later, we lost our mom (2009). I am the youngest sibling. My dad's death was the hardest b/c we lost him first. I chided myself for feeling like a baby without my parents......thinking that I'm older now and not supposed to feel this way, etc, etc, etc. I continued to feel bad about it until I had another conversation with someone (also the youngest sibling) who said she'd felt the same way when her parent had died. This validated my feelings, and I then wasn't giving myself such a hard time about it anymore. We come into this world with our parents there and can't imagine life without them. Even in a divorce situation (as mine was), I couldn't imagine life without him in it. I'm not sure I've totally grieved over my mom; I coped by being in denial about what she was going through (cancer) and admitted that I was in denial about it. As you said, she was long distance to me, so I could compartmentalize my life & feelings in a way that the day to day continuum of life went on as usual for me. Just this last fall, I flew out to spend time with my siblings & we scattered our mom's ashes. THAT brought reality smack dab in my face. But, it was also a pleasant trip, as I was seeing my siblings again. (Something I don't do very often.) We all grieve in different ways, and I think we continue to grieve those who were the closest to us. The memories are always there and we will always have times of missing them. I think that is completely normal.

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THINRONNA 2/2/2012 6:20AM

    Your father sounds like he was a truly special person. (kind of like his daughter) You are so strong and were so strong for your family...I think it is good that you allow yourself to grieve some more. You have such wonderful memories and in a way I am sure that is what makes it harder. Give youself time...it is quite a gift that you got in those letters...a confirmation of what a wonderful person he truly was. Keep them in a safe place for generations in the future to enjoy. It will mean a lot to them.

I would love to gie you a big hug right now! emoticon

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BLESSED2BEME 2/1/2012 6:45PM

    Your father sounds like a true blessing to many. What a great gift it was to find those cards and be able to read what people said to him. Remember that grieving is healthy...it a part of a journey just like everything else in our life.

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THOMS1 2/1/2012 6:17PM

    emoticon You had a very good father. One who truly knew how to be a father to his family. You really can count yourself lucky to have had him. So sorry for your loss.

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TRULYVISIBLE 2/1/2012 5:22PM

  How lucky to have such wonderful memories of your Father. Sorry for your loss but so glad you can think of him with such love, admiration and respect.
emoticon

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JSALERNO 2/1/2012 4:25PM

    MY MOTHER HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE MORE CARING ONE BUT I STILL MISS MY DAD TERRIBLY. ITS BEEN SINCE 2005 AND I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S GONE SOMETIMES. I WAS FORTUNATE THAT HE REMARRIED SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH HIS THINGS. HE GAVE ME ALL THE IMPORTANT THINGS HE FELT I SHOULD HAVE WHEN HE WAS FIRST DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER SO THERE WERE ONLY THINGS THEY SHARED THAT WERE LEFT. THEY LIVED A MINIMALISTIC LIFESTYLE WITH A SMALL APARTMENT AND REALLY NO STORAGE.

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ELISADENK 2/1/2012 4:12PM

    Been there; gone through it. You will succeed! emoticon

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TRUCKERWIFE2 2/1/2012 3:29PM

    Sometimes we need to find things like that to better understand people we love. I think each of us has that private part of our lives our families know little or nothing about. I'm glad that piece of information is helping you with the closure you seem to be needing. When each of my in-laws died we found things no one knew about. Nothing bad at all. It just made us see a more whole person than what we thought we knew. He sounds like he was a very special person. Thank you for sharing.

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KBENTLEY2646 2/1/2012 3:29PM

    Thank you for sharing. I too lost my Dad (in 2008) and I too am the oldest sibling who has assumed head of the family responsibility. It's funny how I thought I had taken all the time I needed to grieve but I do find that it will hit me all of a sudden...hearing a song my dad used to sing or hearing someone speak about him in a conversation....

The momentary grief does pass and now more often than not I find myself able to smile at the wonderful memories I have.

Allow yourself those moments when they happen, it 's just a natural part of the healing process.

Wishing you success on your journey! emoticon

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