A little left-over grieving I guess.
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
When I come to Indianapolis, I still need to take time to go through some of our mom & dad's things which we still have in a storage unit. I think that the stress of doing this might have some effect on my blah, sick feelings when I'm down here for any length of time. (At least, that's what my therapist daughter tells me and I trust she knows what she is talking about.) :) It does make some sense, because after my father died in 2000, I felt the need to be the "head" of the family since I was the eldest sibling. Our mom was already starting to have some issues with depression, etc. I'm not sure if I truly grieved his loss as much as I needed to. Living out of state, I was able to go back to "my life" and wasn't forced to face the loss on a daily basis. Yes, I cried lots and yes, I thought I was grieving how I needed to. I may have been doing everything I needed and could do at the time. I'm still trying to figure this all out. When I wrote my earlier blog last year about grieving, I mentioned how it can come back when least expected. Well, it has hit me big time this week.
While going through a box of "junk", I ran across over 50 cards & letters from around the world with congratulations to my dad when he retired. After reading some of the ways he helped & influenced people, it still hits me just how much of an impact he had on all those he met. Some of the people he worked w/ in Japan actually handmade pictures & cards for him! These were people he worked with, not good friends for a long period of time! He was a genuinely loving person and it showed in how people reacted to him. I miss his warm bear hugs, his sit down talks and his laugh. I just miss everything about him and yes, it still hurts!
I do feel blessed that I had a father who was so caring. I know that is not always the case. He has taught me to love unconditionally and to believe with all my heart that no one is any better or worse than anyone else. He would say, "God loves all and so should I". :) He also taught me that trust and reputation are some of the hardest things to earn back.
Well, on that note, better end this. I'm feeling a bit better. Thanks for "listening".
Now to figure out what to do with the work papers in his filing drawer.