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Wicked and weird

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

An absolutely rotten start to my day. Had to skip breakfast because I was getting blood tests -- no food or drink for ten hours prior to the test. That was difficult because I always eat within a half hour of rising. I felt dismal and was in a filthy temper as well.

Even though I arrived at when the lab opened at 7:30, I still had to wait an hour, under blindingly bright fluorescent lights, next to a woman who talked loudly on her cell phone while sitting directly below a sign that prohibited the use of cell phones.

But the worst was that my sacrum was out of place, so I was walking like a 100-year-old. I think it went out yesterday when I was lying in strange positions on an X-ray table. I've had this issue with my foot for a few months, and the doctor thinks it could be a stress fracture.

Let me tell you, foot pain is no fun. There are so many nerves in those tootsies!

Luckily, my physiotherapist's office is in the same building as the lab, so I went downstairs to ask him if he could fit me in. I've been seeing him for the past 5 years, and I think this is the first time I've used the elevator…but my 100-year-old pelvis couldn't manage one flight of stairs. The physiotherapist was kind enough to fit me in.

I've also been having an attack of the weepies. I think it's PMS. My friend bailed on me yesterday, and I try to forgive and be understanding but I'm pissed about it.

So, angry at friend, aching in pelvis, hungry for breakfast -- not a good start to the day.

GET TO THE HAPPY PART…. I'm supposed to be 1happywoman, right? Today, I was one unhappy woman, for sure.

The happy part is that I grabbed breakfast at a little cafe, also in the medical building, and I picked the healthiest choice, an egg on an english muffin. Then I asked her to hold the cheese and the mayo, and add some tomato, and onion if she had it. "Cooked or raw?" she asked. I saw a pan of sauteed onions on her stove, and said they looked good. She said those were for the soup she was making, and they were highly spiced with curry. Sounds good, I said. And it was! I'm looking forward to making something similar for breakfast soon.

But the big part, in case you missed it, is that I asked her to hold the cheese and mayo!!!! This is a whole new me! Dining out feels like a special occasion, so I've often used it as an excuse to eat all kinds of nonsense. But somewhere on Spark I read about a really great question: ask yourself whether the restaurant meal you are about to consume really is a special occasion.

This morning most assuredly was not. This morning was just me being caught out with low blood sugar and a surprise appointment with the physio.

I asked her to hold the mayo and the cheese!!! Pardon me while I gloat about how much I've changed!

The physio did his best, but I was still sore. I went to work. The day didn't get a lot sunnier. I was crying…at work! No, no, no! Don't want to do that. Everything hurt, and everything sucked.

My co-worker was so nice, and he encouraged me to go home. We work in a very time-sensitive, high pressure environment, and if anyone goes home sick, others have to pick up their work. So people stay even when they are disgustingly sick.

The hours went by, and I was still walking in a geriatric fashion. The physio had suggested that I come back in the afternoon if it didn't clear up, so I made an appointment, then made up a schedule for my co-workers portioning out my workload, and I left.

I didn't even talk to my boss. I was too weepy. I just sent an email and headed out.

The physio did some of his magic skeletal manipulation stuff, then hooked me up to a machine that electrically stimulated my muscles. I lay in the darkened room for a while with my back pulsing, thinking about all the things I could eat to make myself feel better.

That's what I've always done: medicate my pain with pizza and ice cream.

My goal for January and February is to see mostly gold stars on the SparkSummary Calendar -- meaning I ate within my calorie range. I just checked this month, and out of the 29 days I tracked, I have 5 days over my range and five days under. That's a little high, but next month I WILL do better. It's a moderate goal. It's not about being perfect. It's about hitting the mark most of the time, with the understanding that sometimes you shoot and you don't quite score.

The question that haunted me as I lay on the physiotherapist's table was: is it ever a good idea to soothe pain, physical or emotional, with food?
And I thought about how I would feel if I ate pizza, and how I would feel if I went home and had some veggie soup. When I thought about how I'd feel if I ate pizza, my body felt tense. When I thought about how I'd feel if I ate the soup, my body felt relaxed.

After the appointment, my back felt a lot better. I went to the grocery store, where cheesy poufs and chocolate sang their seductive songs from the shelves. I bought strawberries, fat-free yogurt, and my favourite tomato-basil rice cakes. Those are my treats now. I've been avoiding flavoured rice cakes lately, choosing to eat the plain unsalted ones. It's okay to have a treat now and then. So the salty rice cakes are my treat today.

I want those gold stars on my SparkSummary calendar because they symbolize persistence and commitment over time. Today was craptacular, but it had some good parts too. My physio and my co-worker were kind. So was the lab tech. I said, "Hold the mayo and the cheese." I chose soup over pizza. Another day of persistence: I got my gold star.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • UTMIZ_2000
    Sorry you were in so much pain. Know what that feels like. Glad to read about your progress in the food area.

    Looks like you haven't been on in a while. Hope all is well with you.
    1659 days ago
    Wow! Great Blog! You are doing fantastic! When you can make such wise decisions on one of your worst days, then you know you've changed for the better! Keep collecting those Gold Stars! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1807 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/13/2012 1:16:16 AM
    emoticon I missed this earlier...what a day you had...full of highs and lows. I like how the hig points in our day were things that you chose. Things that you were concious of and things that were good for you and done by you. Sometimes we cannot control the lows but good for you for fighting back and giving your self some wonderful highs in an otherwise unfortunate day.

    You are quite awesome you know. emoticon
    1814 days ago

    Truly, these are mighty victories!
    And what you said about your past habits... A quote from an in-depth overeating study I read was, "It's hard to get enough of something that *almost* works." That's how they described soothing ourselves with eating - It seems like a good idea, tastes good (or not), but then.. it doesn't quite do the job, and so we have more and more, dancing along the edge of "almost".

    Who wants that?

    I'll take a helping of accomplishment,and a side of satisfaction, please! Just like you did. Congrats on your gold star!
    1814 days ago
    Somehow I missed this blog. It sounds like a rough day that you handled very well. Congrats to you on your excellent choices!
    1817 days ago
    I loved this blog! (And thank-you so much for your comment on mine.) For those of us who always used food as a reward for ANYTHING, making this kind of change is totally awesome. No cheese? No mayo? No cheesy poufs? This monumental mind shift happens when we remember that yucky food actually makes us feel worse and healthy food actually makes us feel better. I applaud your bravery in the face of all that pain and discomfort and PMS.
    1817 days ago
  • CATS_MEOW_0911
    Aww...even 1HAPPYWOMAN is entitled to her moments of discontent...what makes her happy is that she does not dwell in those moments. And she ALWAYS makes me happy with her insight, wisdom, and compassion.

    Hooray for your good choices, and I hope the pain is alleviated soon.
    1817 days ago
    Go for the gold girl.
    1818 days ago
  • CANNIE50
    Oh, Tara, I so hope you are feeling some true relief. I, too, love your final paragraph. An hour wait, in pain, under nasty lights, next to someone doing the "cell yell", while your blood sugar sinks ever lower.......aaaaagggghhhhh. You really did dig deep to deal, and aren't you so glad you did? Your co-worker sounds lovely. Isn't it amazing how comforting a little kindness can be during an awful day? emoticon
    1818 days ago
    Love your final paragraph. I hope your foot and pelvis heal soon. You made some really amazing choices today that show how far you've come and how comitted you are to your new lifestyle. I'm so proud of you hun and you deserve lots of gold stars for staying strong where otthers would've caved in and fallen. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1819 days ago
  • DR1939
    emoticon You made it through a very difficult day by choosing the best options available to you. Be proud!
    1819 days ago
    WHA'DA FINALE!!!!!!

    "I want those gold stars on my SparkSummary calendar because they symbolize persistence and commitment over time. Today was craptacular, but it had some good parts too. My physio and my co-worker were kind. So was the lab tech. I said, "Hold the mayo and the cheese." I chose soup over pizza. Another day of persistence: I got my gold star."
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1819 days ago
    emoticon Even though you had a pretty crappy day, you made some truly Awesome choices! It is so great when we realize that the foods we used to eat for comfort no longer appeal to us...we have healthier comfort foods now! emoticon
    I gave you 2 gold stars for making awesome choices when things were tough.

    You ROCK Tara!

    1819 days ago
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