Hello Sparkland. I've been missing for a while.

This whole Mexico thing has been a massive roller coaster ride, and I can't seem to find the exit. The ride controller went out to lunch and he never came back and I've been going round and round and round in circles of ups and downs and twists and turns. I was starting to feel a bit sick.
Then one of the other roller coasters crashed into me and I've been wallowing at the bottom of this huge pile of rubble and self pity and emotional eating and I'm done.

Sparkland ... I'm back to 255 lbs. I've gained back half of the weight I've lost. I was holding (mostly) steady around the mid 220's, low 230's ... and then all hell broke loose.

As I went out for my evening run around Halloween, a car lost control, careened around the corner, jumped the curb to the sidewalk and impacted the telephone pole that I just happened to be walking by. This telephone pole broke clean off at the bottom, and with the momentum of the car, and weight of the entire pole behind it ... the part that broke connected with my left quad. (left thigh). It picked me up off the ground, and threw me across the sidewalk into a metal gate.

The driver then revved his car, and by some mechanical miracle (for him anyway) ... drove off into the night.

Thankfully there were some lovely people there to help me. They got me a chair, and a glass of water. They called the cops and the ambulance. Sadly my spanish is still a wreck, so I could only barely communicate. The ambulance had to slice up my favorite pair of workout pants (jerks) and they wanted to take me immediately to the hospital. I told them that I'd much rather wait for my roommate (who had also gone running, just in the opposite direction!) so I could have help with the language. They made me sign a form that said I would get to an ER ASAP.

A few minutes later my roommie showed up (prompted by my neighbor who was all "OHMYGODMEREDITHJUSTGOTINAREAL
LYBADACCIDENT!!!!!!". He was a bit freaked out.

8 X-rays and 80 dollars later (gotta love Mexico) I had 3 prescriptions and an order to NOT WALK FOR AT LEAST 3 WEEKS!

*sigh*

I wasn't going to complain. The leg hurt like a BIOTCH.

Well. That was the beginning of the end. I started walking a little bit 2 weeks later ... but I was still very slow and hobbly. I couldn't bend my knee properly for over a month after. I spent the rest of the season an invalid. Grumpy that I couldn't do anything. But not willing to do anything ELSE. I used it as the most massive excuse on the planet. (how much of a dumbo am I?). Because then started the depression. Bad food choices ... no activity at all ... declining mental state.

I finally made it home at the end of the season and found my mobility. AND I found my lovely binge eating disorder. And off I went! And 2+ months later here I am. Back in Mexico. 255 lbs of regret.

Today I went through some of my old blogs. I got a glimpse of that old me. That ... amazing energized me. The me that was unstoppable!

I need to find that girl. I need to make her exist here and tell this depressed, defeated girl thats re-stretching out the skin on my body to take a freaking hike. How can I let some stupid drunk mexican driver get the better of me like this?

So you know what? NO MORE.

No more bihtchy, no more whiney. No more "poooooore ole me look at what happened". Nope.... I did this to myself. I will undo it. I have amazing outfits to wear ... that I can't wear. Because I keep fooling myself that it won't matter. IT DOES MATTER. Get a grip girl!

So ... today is my new day one. what did I do today? I went to the Vlog I posted when I hit 199 lbs. I played it over and over and soaked up that winner attitude. I soaked up that happy. I used MYSELF as my own motivation. (seriously... how freaking hot did I look? woohoo!)

Today is Jan 30. Day one. This means, until I fly home again, I have 5 months to find her again. 5 months to eat healthy, make small goals, and big goals, and cook amazing meals and work out like this girl KNOWS SHE CAN.

Every week I will read one or two old blogs of mine, and I will channel that energy ... that drive that I had. And I will push, daily to bring that sexy back. (you can bet that song is going to play a LOT these next 5 months.)

Will I go out with friends and have yummy things every so often?

Yep!

BUT! Plan one... I am allowed TWO fun meals a week. (not DAYS. MEALS.) I will do my best to fit them into my food plan ( I will be tracking again.) If I go over in calories, I will tweak my workouts that week to create a bigger calorie deficit. (I will not eat less...I don't need to fuel my Binge disorder any more than I have already.)

At all times I will try to limit my carb intake. Can I eat them? YEP. Do I have to? nope! If I'm dying for a piece of bread, I will have whole grain and I will have it with breakfast or lunch. If I must have chocolate, I will have it as dark as I can. Etc.

I will schedule my workouts on a weekly basis (as well as my food). That way I can't excuse my way out of it. As for food... my goal this week is to create a recipe 'deck'... of 300 & 400 calorie foods and 100 calorie snacks that I can pick and choose from to create my weekly menus. Food planning made easy. I will enter these meals into my food tracker, so tracking my meals is a SNAP (and LAWD KNOWS I have enough time to do all this!!!)

Honestly I think that's one of my major problems. Too much time. When I was busy ..i couldn't think about it. I just DID. I didn't have options, I had what was in my fridge.

Here..I have too many options (thank you roommies who can eat whatever they want!) and waaayyy too much time to sit around and THINK about the food that's in the fridge.

So... I will schedule myself! And stick to it as much as possible!

So here we go ladies 'n gents. I'm bringin' sexy back. With a vengeance. 5 months. Lets see what I can do with 'em!


This is the top of my left leg after the accident.

This is the outside of the leg. Pretty right?

The pole ended up severing the top half of my muscle ... so part of it essentially tore in half. It's very weak, and there's a large section that still has no feeling at all (I can poke it and not feel it at all.) So the nerves are shot. There's also a lovely "dent" in my leg, from the muscle being severed partially. But hopefully I can start running in the next few weeks. I'll be starting from scratch ... gently and slowly. But I can't wait!