I think it is time to write a blog that makes me uncomfterable. For many years I have gained and lost the same 50 pounds or so. I had an eating disorder. I did the atkins diet. I did the anti candida diet. I juiced. And after, I gained the weight back. For most of these journeys, exersize only played a very small amount, but over the past year I did 4 monthsof bootcamps in the mornings, started taking classes at 24 hour fitness, started a fitness challenge that involves 5 days of cardio and circuit training, and I'm eating clean about 95% of the time.

Its hard to celebrate the little victories along the way, because I'm always afraid I will go back to being that person I was before. Food is still an outlet sometimes, but nothing like it was. I have confidence now. I feel good in my skin. My body can do more then I thought. Sometime last year I gave away all of my "fat" clothes. My 18's and 16s and some of my 14s. I had just started buying 12's.I had kept them for years-- just "in case" I needed them. I no longer want to save anythign for an "in case." A few months ago I slowly began getting rid of the 14's as well. The past few weeks I have been buying 10's and a few 8's ( that stretch.) I know a number is just a number, but its a number that feels good. It feels amazing to simply pick out clothes without worrying if the store will carry my size. It feels good to have choices in what I where and how I present myself to the world. The getting rid of the clothes was symbolic-- saying-- I am not going back to this. I am not going back here.

And because of that, I want to post some pictures.

Here is me before I started my hopefully final journey.

This is back in 2004. My father had died. My world was crumbling, and so I ate.
This is me with a friend at a dance. I was probably at my high of 233.

A friend took this photo in new orleans on a trip in a hotel room. He said "show me your sexy face." I felt that I was while I took the photo. When I got this picture, later, I realized that I had been seeing myself differently on the inside then others saw on the outside.

This photo is of a final banquet with my college group of friends. I couldnt ifnd a dress that fit,and went with all black pants and top, hoping it was slimming, but it wasn't. I remember looking at my friends, thinking how beautiful they were, and realizing something had to change.

Fast forward to now. Its later, like 8 years later. The weight fell off slowly. From 233 to 205 when I moved back home to texas. From 205 to 183 where I stayed round a bouts till this year. Now I am at 170, with the 60's in the distance, and a home stretch ( hopefully till I reach my goal of 135 ish. And do it the right way this time.

Here is me, posing in a mirror, more to go but I am getting there.

Here is me and my boyfriend, on this journey with me. Christmas, this year.

I will not go backwards. Only forward. Knock wood, of course.

I need to give thanks to the me in 2004 that didn't think I ever could escape out of the body or life I was trapped in. You've come a long way, kid. We can dothe rest of this journey together.

love, Susie