Friday, January 27, 2012
I was having an ok week. I lost a bit of motivation and didn't give as much effort into my cardio, but I still did it. And I wasn't tracking my food as diligently as I should have been. But my self-esteem has been high and I was feeling overall good about myself. I feel I really helped some of the girls at work and was feeling like I actually may have made a difference in some of these girls lives. Then my supervisor (who I already don't like because he always has a way of making me feel bad about myself and the work I'm doing) says something to me he tells me that when we only have 2 females working we can't go on break together and I politely say "OK" but inside my head is going a mile a minute. The logical side of me is going about a mile a minute breaking down the statement and everything wrong with it in out work environment, how it is just not logical. We only have 2 female staff who work our shift and obviously we don't work 7 days a week so there are 4 days of the week where we only have one female staff and so during those times when we would go on break there would be no female staff on the floor so why should it be any different. Then my mind started going to thoughts of if he told my coworker the same thing, which I know he didn't because after he said it to me he went off and did something else. So I am left feeling like I was the one in the wrong and not both of us. And as I try not to dwell in it and get my mind on other things my brain just keeps going back to thoughts of how I continually mess up at work and can't seem to feel like I do anything right in his mind and how I am just a failure and should stop trying which all built up for the last hour I worked and came out in the form of me screaming and crying my entire half hour drive home. I tried to tell myself it was not a big deal and he wasn't mad or punishing me, but the feelings overpowered my sensible side. I hate that I let people control my emotions and are able to make me feel bad about myself. And this is not the first time this has happened. I feel it is why I go from job to job so quickly. I feel like I'm never good enough and I should find something new. I just wish I wasn't so sensitive and could just let go.