Thursday, January 26, 2012
I have always struggled with body image to some degree (as a lot of us do), but itís become increasingly more since becoming a plus size gal. And as Iíve ventured into my mid 40s, some subtle signs of age have added to the situation. BUTÖthere has always been one feature Iíve felt good about no matter my size Ė my hair - a feature that Iíve held onto as a positive and said ďwell, at least my hair still looks goodĒ. Can you relate? Do you have that one feature that makes you feel good no matter your size? Or maybe youíve accepted your entire body as is and to you I say ďWTG!Ē I applaud and admire you truly, because I have not gotten to the place of acceptance which I so desperately need to do. I think once I can accept where I am with my body then I can truly move forward instead of feeling in limbo all the time.
Anywho, the reason I write that ďIíve lost itĒ is because that one feature that Iíve always felt good about is gone. Not literally (thank you God), but after having a fabulous cut in May of last year my hair has slowly but surely gone down hill. ďIíve lost that loving feelingÖ.Ē Ė that dates me doesnít it? lol I donít know if itís the cut, some blasted hormonal change or what, but itís no longer something I hold on to as a positive. It just wonít cooperate any more, I try curling it, straightening it, blowing it dry and using hair productÖ.it doesnít seem to matter, it wonít do what I want it to or what it used to do. I donít understand why itís happened, I mean my hair has ALWAYS been my thing, the thing that people comment on and wish they had nice thick hair like mine, etc., but everything happens for a reason. Itís like other things in my life that Iíve held onto Ė itís been stripped away. Itís depressing and sobering at the same time. Itís like Iím being forced into acceptanceÖ.by stripping away the very last piece of what I liked about my body causing me to hit a body image bottom Ė funny how that works isnít it? Many times it takes hitting some type of bottom unfortunately before we can go back up. But I seem to be fighting it. Why? Donít know. So where does that leave meÖ.wallowing in the pit wondering what itís going to take for me to look up into the light of where I really want and am meant to be, but feeling powerless to get there.
I realize this is trivial compared to some struggles and believe me Iíve had way worse struggles, but my weight and body image seem to be a battle I just canít get a grip on. It is the MOST difficult and frustrating long term battle Iíve ever had. It wears me out to the point of wanting to quit. But Iíve even tried that beforeÖ.quitting to winÖ..but where that got me was 10 pounds heavier! UGH.
I hate to sound negative, I really do and I donít really know where Iím going all with thisÖ.just throwing it out there I guess. Itís just where I am, but not where I want to be.