Monday, January 23, 2012
Ok for this self-help plan I have to weigh myself once a week. Today was that day. I couldn't do it. I was scared. i didn't want to feel they way I felt last week. What if I gained. I am currently at the heaviest I have ever been and feel utterly disgusted with myself. I don't think I could handle if I gained anymore. I mean how much worse could I feel about myself. So like a chicken I turned around and walked away from the scale. I was actually afraid of it.
Later while I was talking to my mom (who lost 40 lbs with quick weight loss) why I was gaining. She said maybe you are not doing the things that need to be done to lose weight. After thinking about it I said, " I don't want to eat rabbit food and I don't want to have to monitor everything I eat all the time. I want to eat what I want. I want to eat normal."
I couldn't believe I actually said that. A year and a half ago I thought the starve/binge cycle was normal. I felt like my mom was telling me I have to give it up. My sweets, my junk food, my binges and I was actually clinging to it. Like an addict. Like who was she to take that from me. I know it sounds so weird but that was what was going through my head when I said it. I never realized my relationship with food was this messed up. My fear of gaining weight but my dependency on eating to make myself feel better. It's a sad cycle.
Tomorrow I will face try to weigh myself again. Please be nice to me scale.