Betrayal Or Hysteria?
Saturday, January 21, 2012
YES, I can post this picture..I took it!
I don't know what kind of reaction this is going to get, but FEEDBACK is important to me if you care to leave some. No pressure to do so! Also good or feedback is fine, I shan't take your opinion personal if you disagree.
I got an email awhile back from a friend here on SP stating that she found one of my blogs inspirational and that she sent a link to her Facebook account. She was extremely excited to share my news of losing weight and my story. I didn't know how to react. I was shocked, angry, frustrated, delighted that she thought my story was worth telling and sharing, happy to have a friend who cared about me enough to try and find me more support, BUT mostly I was upset and hurt. I felt she should have ASKED me to share my thoughts and fears with others. I share with you here because you all have a story not unlike mine own in some respects.
See, I have a FB account. I have never once invited anyone from FB here or SP to there for a reason. I have more friends on FB then I do here, but those people don't know the struggle I go through there and for good reason. In some of my blogs to SP I have given very personal details of my life I have not shared with many people in my life.
I felt SP was my sounding board...wait actually, my safe haven!!! It is a place I can come, be the real Kristin, be honest and open about my weight and not be ridiculed for it. See not that I think my friends will blast me out of the water or try and hurt me purposely from FB, but it is the others that you encounter there that you have no idea who they are. YES, I know you can ignore them and blah, blah, blah. I get that. So please do not restate it. However, FB is something I don't use that often because anyone can search you up and find you this way.
I have been in a horrible situation in life where I don't want people to be able to find me so easily. So, I stay off there more often then not; the exception is to interact with close family members or old friends. Still I do know this is a public forum so I am careful in the details I leave and messages I write. I was so sure SP was different. For some dumbAZZ reason I believed that this was a private community. When I signed up, it asked me to use a username ...why did I think that meant that everything I did here was private under my real name. So why when I googled my real name, did I find my SPARK PAGE???????????? Because I guess I didn't protect myself well enough. PLEASE be clear, in no way am I blaming SP for my foolish naivety.
I am irate at myself, my SP friend, FB intrusion of what I thought was my world, a safe haven to call home. I am tired of FB taking over Spark People and so many people confiding that they no longer feel comfortable posting blogs and the fact that FB has anything to do with SP. I know, I know, there are people who say, DUH KRISTIN! What did you think would happen? That was the problem, I didn't think this process over well enough. At this point the only thing left to do is leave SP, but do I want to leave such a supportive group of friends? NO!
Long story..not short..just long..My question is...Am I the only one who feels like this? Did my friend have the right to send my story to others on FB? Is this an overreaction?
I would be happy to pay monthly for what I receive here at SP so if they need the money that would be so much better than having to advertise through FB! I have sent a few people this way and I am happy to say that they have joined on their own without my prodding. I will continue to support SP because it is an amazing site and because I love all of you.
If you made it thus far, thank you for taking the time to read my rambles of frustration.
Hugs to all my friends!
Member Comments About This Blog Post
"I would be very upset if someone shared something of mine without my permission."
I also compartmentalize my life -- my struggles with eating, food and body image are not public fodder. It is difficult enough to get through a day sometimes. I come to sparks to encourage myself, motivate myself to make the changes I need to make in order to become a healthier person.
I am glad that you wrote out how you felt in such a clear way. It makes me want to write on anything that I write --- this is not for public consumption. This is real life and real life struggles that we are dealing with. I will remember what you wrote in the blog . Thank you.
Wet noodle flogging to the person who didn't think to ask for Your permission first!
1588 days ago
"Not everyone who comes for you is for you."
Bare in mind that it is a false sense of security and a grand illusion that our information is somehow protected under privacy rights. Unfortunately, when we reveal our innermost struggles to a few, we must assume the risk and responsibility that goes along with any type of publication of personal information. Cyberspace is a vortex of disseminated information to the masses at any given turn. It is challenging to be transparent in the safety of our peers and yet recognize that our frailties might be revealed or exposed to many without our acknowledged release. I stumbled upon your page, and for what it is worth, it has provided inspiration and appreciation for your journey.
1589 days ago
This is a most interesting post on a blog. I use both FB and SP and until now have never allowed a work associate to have a link to either. However, I have decided to co-lead a local SP team in my community and so I recognize that I could encounter work associates in a way that I may want to conder very carefully.
The social networking is making it much more difficult to compartmentalize our non-virtual lives. After all... at every step of every page on SP, it asks if you want to publish to FB. So what if you happened to click the wrong setting earlier.
I think that you have given us all an extremely important reminder that privacy is extremely hard to maintain in the virtual world. I have taken great care in creating my on-line persona, and as I move forward I need to remember that.
I am thankful for all that you have shared and understand that it would be my great loss, had you not, because I heard and learned beautiful messages about loving, resilience, gaining control, hope, just to name a few. So I'm torn, I'm glad I was allowed in the inner circle... and yet I understand the concerns for safety as well. SP is not an OA meeting, and we all need to remember it. I know that there are blogging software, or daily journal software that can be clicked on as private only, or shared only with our invited readers... of course, you have to assume your invited readers have the same concerns or priorities for safety and privacy as you do.
You have givne me great pause for thought.
1595 days ago
FB and SP two separate and not so equal social sites!
1647 days ago
I have neither love nor hate of FB. I don't really have enough time to use it anymore, but like to touch base occasionally with friends and family.
I understand the dilemma. Your friend, who I'm sure had the very best of intentions, should have thought to ask you if it was okay with you to share your story on FB. While I'm sorry for your situation, I'm really glad that you brought this up because I could see myself - being a well-intentioned, albeit thoughtless - friend who might think it's okay to share what's on my SP friend's page with my friends on FB. I hope I wouldn't, but I get pretty gung-ho sometimes about some of the stuff I see on SP. So much of it is so worthy of sharing!
FB is such a huge forum, and everything on it is so easily traced. It's a much bigger world than SP and is connected to so many other social communities. It's kind of scary, isn't it?
Even though they're both online social communities, it seems like there is kind of an unwritten code for SP to share and have the sharing stay here. I view it almost like an OA meeting...kind of. I can use my blog as a sounding board, and there's always someone here who knows just the right thing to say or give me a kick in the seat of the pants when I need it! SP are AWESOME!!
Thank you for bringing this up, Kristin. I needed to hear it, and I hope that you can forgive your friend who over-stepped this boundary. I'm sure that your friend meant to do what was best for you (in his or her mind). He or she probably shares everything everywhere. There are lots of people everywhere who do that (and you know who you are! ;0) ). They didn't consider that there are those of us who would prefer to keep things separated by that unwritten code of conduct here at SP.
Keep in mind that no matter what it looks, seems, and feels like right now; all things work to the good of those that love the Lord. I know that you're one of those people. You are beautiful and wonderful, and His love shines through you! Perhpas the intertwining of your SP world with your FB world will reap good consequences in the end (a little too much sunshine?...sorry!). You're in my thoughts and prayers.
1703 days ago
I would be very upset if someone shared something of mine without my permission.
1703 days ago
Ditto to everything you said! Here I can be Spark Cheryl, there I'm FB Cheryl. I do NOT want my worlds colliding!
1704 days ago
i totally get that you keep fb and spark separate, I am the same I keep them apart as few few people get how hard this fight it xx
1704 days ago
FB is evil :(
I have a similar situation to yours - there are some people in my life for whom it makes sense to stay in contact via facebook - thus I have an account.
I have done everything in my power to keep my real identity off that account, and set everything to private, etc etc.
Recently it 'suggested' a friend. That person was a professional contact that didn't even even know I had a facebook account and could NOT know what my username was. The only way it could have gotten this is by mining personal information on my computer and seeing that I have other email accounts, and trying to link the contacts there to my facebook account.
Really, the more I see of that program, the more I hate it.
Sorry for the rant. I have to say, it was probably not intended in any bad way, what your friend did. Bad for you, and I can totally relate to being annoyed, and hurt. I hope you can forgive him/her in time, because friends are precious, even those that screw up.
1705 days ago
I would not be happy to find out my blogs were shared on Facebook.
I do think your Spark Friend should have asked you if it was ok to post it there.
I am not a fan of FB.
1706 days ago
I like SP because it is a specific forum. Yes FB is open to everyone and everything so there is no filter when reviewing the info. i also know that nothing online is sacred or safe. I guess we have to be content with that when we join. But saying that, I would be uncomfortable and unhappy if the informaiton I posted on SP ended up on FB or any other site. I purposefully do not press the facebook buttons I found on SP because i don't want to link the two together.
1707 days ago
Wow I totally get where you're coming from! I would be really mad as well. There's a reason we didn't reach out for diet/lifestyle support on Facebook and came here instead. I definitely wouldn't post anything onto another site unless I asked the person first. I presumed that would be the general belief from anyone here.
Having done had social media promotion as part of my job, I understand where they are coming from. I'm fine if they want to advertise on FB and post stories from motivation Spark Pages who have agreed to put their stuff there, but I definitely never be linking my Spark Page or Spark activity to my Facebook page.
1708 days ago
I AGREE 100%.... Don't mix FB and SP....... EVER!!!! Hate that I have to make my page private to keep it private, but if I google my name and it comes up that I'm on SparkPeople... well that is what will happen.
1708 days ago
i don't like the "nagging" to post things or "like" things on facebook. i love reading thru the blogs and i would not purposely hurt somebody by reposting their blog. i really like elisadel's idea of only sparks people with accounts being able to read the posts.
1708 days ago
I agree with you 100%!!! I dont want my FB friends knowing this side of myself either. It's a very private thing.
1708 days ago
I agree with you 100% !!!! I think everyone should respect each other's privacy. But I guess it's hard for the site to prevent things like this from happening. They did take away the button that permitted anyone to share another person's blog on FB. But how can anyone be stopped from doing a copy/paste?? So really, all we can do is trust people to respect the privacy of each one. Blogs like this one help to increase awareness of the problem.
Thanks for sharing!
1708 days ago
I feel your pain, although I have 2 or 3 fb friends on sp I don't want anyone else to find my sparkpage. I am comfortable sharing my struggles and success here with everyone but not with people on fb. I am very guarded with my weightloss mainly because people can be nosiey, cruel and intruding. If I want someone to know I will let them know. I would hate people to find me here when I am trying to be private. At the same time I know in order to do that I should make my page private, but then I feel like I will loose meeting new people here...ugh it's such a dilema. I can totally understand what you are feeling and why you are upset, I would feel the same way. You are an inspiration and maybe this person didn't mean harm. I hope you stay, I think you are wonderful and all of us help one another. :)
1709 days ago
well no site is really private,I never post anything I my friends dont already know if they dont know it wouldnt bother me for them to find out,I do agree she should have asked you first though.perhaps you could delete her as a friend or mabe block her?
1709 days ago
I don't blame you for being upset... weight is a very sensitive subject. I don't even want to show myself to any old friends until I lose weight. That should have been between you both. Not the FB world... Not cool at all...
1710 days ago
I feel anonymous here and that allows me to share my innermost private feelings. I would be absolutely horrified if anyone shared this info anywhere else. I don't even tell my children or hubby what my SP name is. This is for me and all my SP friends--but nobody that I know in real life.
Everybody knows WHO you really are on FB, your REAL name, your children and husband, even the history of your life in many cases. Who wants THOSE people to know how much you weigh and how much you are struggling to lose some of it? NOT ME!
1710 days ago
The reason the web is called the world wide web is because it's an interconnecting network of links. Pages link to each other freely. By putting any web content on the public Internet, you are implicitly inviting people to link to it from other locations on the Internet if they wish to do so.
If there were a person who knew you on FaceBook and was knowingly calling attention to your blog in a manner that might cause you to be recognized by people who you would prefer not recognize you, that would be a special case of betrayal based on the context. A random person directing people to what you posting in a public location is not a betrayal at all.
I don't think that it would be unreasonable to go to the powers that be around here and request that they offer a privacy option where your content is available only to people with Sparkpeople accounts. It would be a minimal barrier to seeing things since accounts are free, but even that minimal barrier would stop a lot of people from bothering (and keep the googlebot and such from finding it.)
1711 days ago
I felt like a victim when my husband searched for my profile online and went through all my stuff from Bing.com. I thought Spark People was unsearchable through things like that. I am glad you are going to stay and I am also but it is ridiculous to have your personal info displayed to many who will call you out on your posts. All the best!
1713 days ago
It is important for us to be Honest with oursleves in order to finally break down the walls that have sheltered us and allowed us to gain weight be unhealthy. This is part of the journey in getting healthy. We need to dig deep and understand our own selves; our own fears, and dreams. There needs to be a safe place to do this. I think being able to write it down- in a safe place- almost like a journal- is a good way to learn from ourselves.
Not sure that this area of SP to blog is really meant to be a personal journal but for many of us it (including me) it feels like a place to journal this personal and emotional journey.
Your- our personal thoughts and feelings through this journey of self discovering should not be open to someone else to "exploit".
I agree with you. So wrong what she/he/they did.
1713 days ago
Comment edited on: 2/11/2012 12:00:30 AM
You don't want to link your Sparkpage to Facebook. But, lots of people do. As for the fact that your friend sent it to her page, I don't think you can do anything about that when your blog is open here on Sparks. You can set it to "private" if you want an ONLY your friends can read it. The last time I did a blog was 3 years ago as I am not one to talk about myself but give support on others. Lots of people want to be "blog" stars, and that is up to them, but they tell way to much information IMHO.
1714 days ago
I don't think I am not the only one who thinks this is a 'safe haven'....I post my real weight for goodness sakes. I have encountered my own realization of the public nature of the net. I have deleted my facebook and twitter accounts and they are still searchable under Google so it's a bit disconcerting.
In defense of your friend..she is so used to makeovers and testimonial type articles featuring before and afters like People's "Half their Size" that she didn't think of it as a very personal journey and something very private despite the public obvious results.
1714 days ago
No, you are 100% correct. It was betrayal. Weight is a sensitive issue, especially going through this journey of losing. My own husband does not have a clue how much I weigh, and even though he is my most trusted friend, I would NEVER tell him. I wouldn't tell my own mother. It's just personal. If I were you, I think I may actually contact SP Staff and let them know about this person...
1714 days ago
It is betrayal. You should have been asked if something like that is ok with you before they posted your blog. I also do not have my SP and FB pages linked and never will. The people there are friends and family – most of who have never had to worry about weight in their lives. I would not want them reading ANY of the blogs that I post…I would not want my blogs going anywhere other than SP.
Yes, I know the blogs are public and we know that when we write them, but I still feel that they don’t belong on Facebook. If I was going to report successes on FB (If I ever have successes to post), It would be short and sweet and just something fun to share with family and friends after I’m done losing all the weight. It would not be the day-to-day struggle that I tend to write about in my blogs that I share with others who are in the same boat as me who understand what I’m going through with things.
Did you ask your friend to remove your blog from FB? I hope so! She needs to know that what she did was wrong….not legally wrong…but wrong.
1715 days ago
I can understand.... my Facebook friends have never seen my Spark page. They do not know the struggles I have had with my weight all my life. I feel supported by people on Spark, because they know how hard it is to deal with weight issues. I can understand how you would feel exposed, but I'm sure your friend meant no harm.
1715 days ago
I hope I have never shared anything on FB that was not an open story. Idon't think I could share your blog on their, but I totally understand your frustration. I have never really thought about it, but am glad you have posted this. I think I will unfriend spark from my fb now because you are right, this is for us, not everyone. I thought that I wanted to share this great site with others, but I do not need to share others with my fb site.
Best wishes to you!
1715 days ago
I think some of the FB and Sparkpeople issues have been addressed but of course, not all of them. Those things I won't even go into. Even "private" sites can be hacked by those much more savvy than am I at these things.
Kristin, what bothers me most is that you WERE betrayed by a friend here. Your Spark Friend most definitely SHOULD have asked your permission to post YOUR blog on any page that was hers......................and I truly hope you "spoke" with her about this. There are those people who take for granted that anything goes and anything is ok because that's the way society has swung lately. But it's NOT ok and unless those of us who believe that confront those who do these things without thinking, then it's going to continue unabated.
You continue to be such an inspiration!!! I know I'm chiming in late, but hang in there, my friend. You are amazing and you are doing amazing things for YOU!!.....AND for us as a result.
1715 days ago
I've been hearing a lot lately about this issue and had changed my SparkPage to private. But now, after reading the comments to your blog, I have 'unliked' Spark on my FB page plus changed my Spark username. Hopefully this will disengage the two. I will think carefully before sharing any private information anywhere online in the future. Thanks for sharing. Sorry for your anquish.
1715 days ago
I've disabled my facebook account, taken most personal information and photos off my page to try and stay anonymous. This facebook/sparkpeople linking has made me realise that there is nothing private about this site & I shouldn't post anything I wouldn't be comfortable with anyone I know reading.
1715 days ago
My understanding is that if we set our SP page to private and keep it that way from the start then nothing goes to facebook. (I can't answer for 'friends' who share your private stuff there. That is a different matter. I agree that that is a betrayal of trust. Under those circimstances I think a link to a blog would still work.)
If you already have an "open" page on SP then you can make your page private, change your name slightly (so that others still recognise it - add a hyphen or a period mark), and then after a week revert to your original name and your info should no longer be available through face book. I think tyour blogs will always be in the public domain and the way to share privately is to use the email. It would be nice if there was an option there to send things to all your friends at once rather than having to do it individually
My general advice is that if you know what you are doing then you can find anything on the internet ....so if you don't want the world knowing then don't share it ANYWHERE on the net.
I'm sorry you are disillusioned with the site. When I first found out about the links with facebook I was disappointed but accept that that is the way of the world. I'm pretty sure that I have been careful enough to be honest but not give massive secrets away so hopefully nothing will come back to bite me but.....who knows!
1715 days ago
Oh my gosh! I purposely did not link my Facebook account to my SP account because of the very same thing. I want to be able to open my heart up and write honest blogs and have some annonymity here. I just assumed that people would respect each others privacy.
I am seriously thinking of deleting my photos and blogs now. I am disappointed that this has happened to you and that it can happen to any of us.
You are totally right to be angry about this. It is an invasion of your privacy. You are choosing to share your journey with other Sparkers not everyone on the planet!!!
I guess we are going to have to change our privacy settings and make sure our Sparkfriends understand that what happens here, stays here!
Hugs to you!
1715 days ago
Unfortunately, I know too well that there is no place safe on the internet. I, like you, learned it the hard way.
However, I agree with you that your friend should have asked you for permission to repost your blog - that's just web etiquette. Like you, I have not linked my Spark Page to my facebook account - on purpose. The things I talk about on here are things that only certain people will understand.
I hope this doesn't stop you from posting in the future. You've been so supportive to this community. I would miss your journey.
1716 days ago
I was amazed when I googled the last nick. I like you hadn't thought of it being able to be Googled like that. So changed its important to me to be abit more priv.
My Picture is off and I will watch more carefully.
thank you for the blog'
Also the woman who shared was wrong to do it without asking you first...period
1717 days ago
i am not on Face book any longer! I never liked it! I Love Spark people and all its done for me! I am very close to my friends and i want it kept here period, shouldnt ever be on Face book! i closed my account long ago on face book for various reasons!! BONNIE
1717 days ago
Just read this blog - and I totally understand! I feel the same way. A lot of my FB friends are professional contacts. This should never be mixed. I changed my original SparkName because it goggled up both sites. I hope I've done nothing to reconnect them God bless you - please don't ever leave us. If you change your name, let us know by private SparkMail. We will SO understand!
Oops, one more note - if they charged monthly, I would HAVE TO BE gone before the first dollar was due. I CAN NOT afford to pay anything, now or in the foreseeable future. I am barely hanging on to my house and car. Please, please don't support that idea - there are a lot of us here that only have access to this great site BECAUSE it is free.
1719 days ago
Comment edited on: 2/5/2012 3:39:33 PM
I would be devastated if My FB account and Sparkpeople account were tied together. Our journey here is VERY private and should only be shared with people we choose.. people that we know "understand" I am truly sorry this happened to you.
Many smiles to you and a big hug too
1720 days ago
I can totally understand where you are.... I too keep my FB account miles away from this place.
I don't want people to know about my fight UNTIL I reach a point I feel comfortable with them knowing it... and that is a long way off... if ever.
A very few friends now my battle with food.... I've even gone as far to say that I have as many issues as an anorexic, just I'm not going to starve to death.... I'll do the opposite and probably explode (lol).
this journey is personal.... a very private place and it needs to keep that way until you feel comfortable talking about it... if ever.
FB is a completely different animal and one that I am also a member of.... but you need to be in control and your friend should have at leats asked before putting your story on her page.
I hope you can forgive them... it was done out of their respect for the weight loss you have achieved, but more thought could have been used for your feelings.
Take care... take a deep breath and just try and put the situation right.
AND.... KEEP UP THE AMAZING PROGRESS YOU ARE MAKING!
1721 days ago
I'm with you. As far as I know I'm hidden here, an unknown. That is the way I want it. It is important to me to have this hiding place where I can freely discuss difficulties surrounding weight loss.
Good for you addressing this issue
1721 days ago
I feel the same way I really don't want all of this on facebook.. sorry your friend disappointed you
1724 days ago
that wasn't cool and no matter what her motives were, she should have asked permission. it's your intellectual property and that simply wasn't cool.
1726 days ago
Hugs, I do share some things on FB but not others. It was I who shared it not someone sharing it about me. I am so sorry you have gone through this. I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive your friend for it as in the long run you will only harm yourself if you don't forgive her. You have done amazing. You can get beyond this and go forward. Hugs!
1726 days ago
Your not overreacting and I totally agree that FB and SP should be kept apart!
1726 days ago
How I stopped getting your blogs is beyond me but I'm so glad I came to check on you so that I could read this one. I do not like the entire "LIKE" thing SP instituted that throws anything and everything to FB. The site is popular on its own and it's not necessary to link to FB in order to garner more exposure for SP. I hope the powers that be are discovering this. Part of the great joy of SP is the authenticity of people. The fact that there were people in the world who had as much weight to lose as I did and do... and that they had DONE it and that others were still doing it... man, oh, man, that blew me AWAY. To have folks stop telling their stories, their struggles, their victories, their methods, their pitfalls of failures and tricks of success would be an atrocity. Privacy is nonexistent in our world. I get that. Broadcasting what is said on SP to the entire FB world is, however, not necessary on any front. I agree with you about that. Leave us? Peeshaw. Don't you dare. My heart would BREAK. I love you.
1726 days ago
Kristin, I hope you do not leave SparkPeople, please!!! You are so right to feel the way you are feeling. I agree with the suggestion to ask her to remove the post and to ask her to not do it again, never, ever!!! I know there is a way in the place where you have the settings of your account that you can uncheck that feature and no one would be able to share anything. It is on the Start page under your accounts settings. I learned from the board that was previously mentioned.
As you can already see you are no the only one that feels like this. We are a bunch out here. Your friend does not had any right to share your thoughts cause this is a community of support. Do not worry, no way you are not overreacting.
Stay with us and take very good care of self.
((((((A big hug))),
1727 days ago
Like you - I use SP to pour my heart out, people here understand as many are experiencing like-situations.
FB is a place for me to be entertained and keep in touch with friends & rellies.
But neither of these sites are "secured". I know that and this person should have asked before sharing anything from SP. I think you can appreciate her desire to share with others, but she should have asked! I would ask her to delete the post!
1729 days ago
In no way are you overreacting!! You made some amazing points about what Spark is all about, and why many of us find it comforting.
We fellow Sparkies expose our issues with food, being the pain and uncomfortablity of being overweight, etc. We do that because we feel the "audience" here are friends in the very same boat, and they will understand and offer some support.
Facebook, on the other hand, is not full of people struggling with the same issues that we are. That is not the purpose of the site. Therefore, having their understanding might not be possible.
Your Sparkfriend should have asked your permission first!! I don't think she meant to hurt you... I truly think she is proud of you and all of your accomplishments. Sadly, she simply didn't think it through first.
1731 days ago
I was going to leave a post but rather than have you read the same stuff twice let me just say ditto and perfectly said to Jenn26's post!
1731 days ago
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Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.
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