Saturday, January 21, 2012
Sometimes I'm so hard on myself! For example, over the last few months, as I've been cleaning my closet of all of my "too-big" clothes, I was undoubtedly proud of myself (to see how much smaller I've gotten). But tempering the joy was the shame that I had let myself slide so far, and wasted so much money on larger-sized wardrobes instead of tackling the problem earlier and halting my weight gain years ago! When I started grad school four years ago, I was a size 14. When I started sliding back into size 16s, why didn't I get myself back on track then? Why'd I let myself buy bigger clothes as I piled weight on, slowly creeping past 170 pounds, 180 pounds, 190 pounds? Why did I have to let myself hit 200 pounds before I was shocked into taking action?
Maybe it was the stress of school, and moving to a new state, and then moving in with my sister's family. Maybe it was boredom or loneliness, related to my inherent shyness and the emptiness I felt as a single girl with no dating prospects and not enough self-esteem to put myself out there. Maybe it was depression (which I think I'm prone to, in cycles), or maybe it was related to poor thyroid function (I have Hashimotos), or a combination of these things.
Regardless of any excuses, a big part of my Sparkjourney has been forgiving myself for how I got here, accepting where I am, and just doing my best to move forward.
It's an attitude that has been working pretty well for me, along with the phrase "Live now!" which encompasses both taking charge of my life in the present moment, and also refusing to live in the past or be too regretful over "what ifs". I'll admit, though, that I couldn't help feeling twinges of regret whenever I saw those big bags of too-big clothes, waiting for me to take them to the thrift store for donation. Luckily, inspiration struck, and I listed them on craigslist. I'm happy to report that I've made $150 so far! ($60 for my size 18+ dress pants, $70 for my plus-size tops and some casual pants, and $20 for my size 18 jeans). Since I do almost all of my shopping at thrift stores, I think I've actually made back a good portion of what I spent! Woo-hoo! Also, the success of my clothing sales prompted me to list a couple textbooks (made $115), plus $15 on an old printer, and $15 on an old light fixture!
Of course, this $295 doesn't even cover how much I've spent on rewards for myself on this journey (e-harmony subscription, $99 laser hair removal, $85 hair cut and color with a bottle of curl-styling product, $35 for two pairs of running shoes on Black Friday), but every bit helps! And it's de-cluttering my house some, while I'm at it!