hope lost and 15 pounds gained!
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Six months have gone by and I am back in my Hometown. After 6 months in sunny paradise, I returned home to SNOW! I spent three months looking and praying for the perfect job and then 3 months working the perfect job and one day....bam - it's all gone! In the first 2 weeks of the new year I had lost my job, my waterfront condo, my place in paradise and worst of all my marriage. Well, I didn't actually lose my marriage...but let's just say I am not entirely sure where it is...!
My Husband of 15 years decided I was a financial burden and set back to his existence and that he was not entirely sure he wished to be by my side for richer or for poorer. I could not feel more unwanted, rejected and failed as I do now. I know that I must try to pick myself up and move forward with my life and start by getting a new job. I will most likely always have fear and distrust about keeping a job since there are no guarantees in life or work. How do people these days go forth and invest in homes for 30 years and never think that one day, maybe even tomorrow, there could be let go and not have a paycheck? It is a very scary thing. I guess that is what the spouse is for...when one is down the other one covers for them until they are up. I suppose my husband is tired of me being "down". I can't say I totally blame him really. I have over the last few years been unreliable in the employment department but I am working on myself everyday to get over what I think blocks me from being the kind of employee that people keep for years and years. I always have the best intentions, I simply must learn how to keep my emotions to myself and not always let them show on my face or my attitude.
So living on my own for 6 months did NOT ONE THING for my size or weight. I initially stocked my new fridge with healthy, whole and low calorie foods. I began to count calories again and log my foods on various websites and journals. I was swimming every day and when it was not to hot, tried to walk. Slowly, as I continued to look for work, my small unemployment check was gone and I could not longer spend the money several times a week for fresh foods. I began to have to stock up on high calorie and high fat foods because they were cheaper and would keep me fuller longer. The job search resulted in 7 interviews over 2 months time and no job offers. I started getting depressed and hopeless, I began to crave and require sugar and chocolate. Every night I would be out at midnight looking for candy to make me feel better and allow me to sleep. I stopped moving, swimming, walking because the depression made me so tired all the time, I did not even want to leave the house most days.
I finally got a job and I felt like suddenly I was worthy to live and breathe the same air as everyone else was. I began packing healthy lunches and was out at work all day so I was not able to sit around anymore. I felt great, I felt proud and for once in a long time I felt HAPPY!
I moved to a dream condo on the harbor and beach with a fabulous view. Pool and jacuzzi on the roof top over looking the water. I found my place in paradise. 3 months later I was packing my bags, donating my second hand furniture and clothing---what I was taking was whatever would fit into my car. 2 weeks after my dismissal, I was driving home to CT where I am now living with my parents. I don't know where my marriage stands, my Husband is unsure if he wants to continue into the future with me and I am in limbo. This house is not much better in the way of treats, snacks and binge foods - so I have no idea what I am going to do. Self control is not an option.
I need my own space and my own life. I need to be the one who decides what foods come into my kitchen and go onto my table everyday. I need to be in a SAFE ZONE that I create that just does not have the supplies on hand that are so easy for me to destroy myself with.
I know where the blame is---I have an addiction and I have moved to crack house to crack house (so to speak) because every where I live is full of my drugs. How can I be expected to live in misery with my drugs of choice and NOT use them. There has to be more to life than this....there was once for a short time....I am fearful I may never find it again.