When you have to give yourself a permission to "fail"
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Last fall....well last six months or maybe even more have been hard. The depression has been back into the picture again and the dark period in here hasn't helped at all. When the sun is something you don't see in days with the short day light time and with constantly gray sky it really can put your mood down and eat your energy. Especially when the snow is no show like it has been on this year...it really can make huge difference with light if there is snow or not. And I personally feel much lighter with the snow.
I think I felt the downhill starting on last summer and I really wanted to fight against it and get back to be active and such. But sometimes you can also put too much pressure for yourself with that fight. I personally did. I joined to different groups in here and hoped that those would help me to get motivated and back on track with everything. Of course that didn't happen. To get most out from groups in here you have to be motivated before you start anything...not other way around. So instead of helping me to get motivated those new groups added the pressure and feeling that I'm going to fail this too. And for sure I did. That was good thing for me though.
What this last fall taught to me was that I need to be more merciful for myself. The fact is that my depression comes back on mild version every now and then. I had two really good winters and I was able to stop taking meds. That was great but in a way this winter was great too. I had to start the meds again but this time I was able to read the signs early enough to keep my head above the water and not going to fall into the deepest and darkest version from that cloud in my head. Now I know I can stop it before it goes too severe and puts me into the hospital. And yes with these kind of time periods I will need to be more merciful for myself.
Now when the worst starts to be over and I'm catching up with my chores and eating's and such I have also started to read from right eating again and exercising. What I have learned during that is that I need to learn moderation. And with that I mean that I need to stop trying to live with one cucumber a day type of strict rules. It has felt better...much better. I know how much I will need to eat during the day and what are the healthy options but there is no I need to keep up with these rules...I know them and it's my option to follow them. That same has gone with me trying to go back to fully vegan diet. I know I feel much better when I follow it but if I want I can pick from store also vegetarian stuff. Only rule is no meat for me in any shape...after that it's my choice what I will pick to the cart in store.
Surprisingly it has helped a lot. Most of the things has started to be vegan when I pick them. Most of the time it also means that they are more healthy options and I get more veggies carried to home. Slowly it has started to show also with it how much sugary stuff gets bought, and when those sweets founds their way into the cart most of the time those are the smaller versions. Instead of getting the big bar of chocolate it's going to be the small version that is just small treat. And most importantly I'm okay with the things I get from the store. Nobody can't live with super tight rules all the time and when you are person who thinks all or nothing kind of way those rules can come overly strict.
So now I have permission to "fail". I have permission to do anything I want...I just choose the consequences with my actions.