Depressed & Ashamed.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
I have a lot of amazing things going on in my life right now. I am engaged to my best friend; I have a job that (though I don't love most of the time) works around my school schedule so that I can attend school full-time and still work part-time; I am receiving financial aid (and will be receiving student loans shortly) for the first time in years; and life is generally pretty good.
The one thing that is causing me anxiety and sadness is my weight. I can't seem to stick to healthy eating for the life of me, and my binge eating lately has been out of control. Today I ate leftover pad thai, leftover lettuce wraps, a bowl of cereal, mac and cheese, a doughnut, and a bag of peanut m&m's. What the eff?!?!?!? Seriously? I feel so ashamed. I started Weight Watchers last Wednesday, so you would assume my motivation would be at it's highest, but I weighed in at WW last Wednesday night at 184.4, and weighed in on my scale this morning at 186.4. So not only have I gained since finally getting into the 170's and hitting 179, but I've gained even more since "starting" Weight Watchers. If you can even call it starting since I've eaten like complete crap this week.
I started the new year with resolutions like most of us do, and they went south so fast. I know better. I have the tools to succeed. Why am I not making the most of them? I feel so ashamed. I know I shouldn't skip WW tomorrow, but I'm going to. I'm really broke (still waiting on those student loans!), and my fiance wants me to go and see her Nana with her tomorrow in the nursing home. It is more important to me to be there for her as emotional support, but I know I should weigh in with WW another day, so I am going to try and make it there Thursday, even if I have to use my "skip weigh-in" pass.
Also, I know I shouldn't compare myself to others. But I was inspiring my friends and family at one point. And now I have four friends who have lost over 40 pounds each (one has lost 80!) all in less time than I have managed to lose 25 ish (since I keep gaining and losing the same 10 pounds). It makes me feel like a failure and a slacker.
I need support now more than ever. I feel like I've reached my breaking point. I keep binging, skipping workouts, and undoing all the progress I have made. If I could find a binge eating or emotional eating support group in my area, I would seriously go! It's become a huge problem.
For now, I am going to try and be proactive. I'm going to stop focusing on numbers so much and only weigh in at Weight Watchers. I'm seriously considering throwing out my scale. I am going to set my alarm for 6 a.m. and focus on getting in my workouts in the mornings before class, because i feel best when I work out in the mornings. I feel like it keeps me motivated all day to stay in control of my eating. I am going to count days that I am binge free and be proud of them. I am going to be happy on my wedding day because I am marrying the love of my life. I am not going to base my happiness on what size my wedding dress is. I am going to do my best every day. And in the midst of this crazy hectic life I lead, I am going to take time each day to do things that attribute to a more successful, healthy me; I am going to study, run, log onto the Spark forums for motivation and support when I need it, and I am going to do everything possible to make the one area of my life that drags me down, lift me and others up.
I wrote this blog because I need to hold myself accountable, I need to confess my binging and work through it, and I need to not give up. Wish me luck, I need it right now.