Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Today I weighed myself and I am the heaviest I have ever been. I'm trying not to freck out since I know what my issue is. i have been doing this self- help program to deal with my binge eating. Step one was to write down what I eat the time and how I feel. Step 2 was to establish more scheduled eating times so as not to skip meals and binge later on. After three weeks of this I feel that I'm starting to get to the bottom of my binge triggers.
The part of the program I hate is that it requires you to weight yourself weekly. I hate getting on the scale expecially since I keep seeing it go up. I know it's only temperary while I get to the root of my issues with food. But the level of anxiety and low self worth this causes me is tremendous. I guess thats the point huh? I'm the same person heavy and as I am thin, why does my self worth suffer so much when I'm heavy. Why do I view myself as worthless, and disgusting when the scale reachs a certain number.
I know this is part of the plan.. to face this and fix it in my head...but I never imagined it would be this hard or how much I dislike myself right now. How much my view of myself and what others might think of me was gauged by my weight, at least in my own head.
Today was a rough day for me mentally but suprisingly I did really well eating and tracking. I know the plan is working however uncomfortable it has made me.