Monday, January 16, 2012
Today, I do that thing I do.
I start over. This time though, I have to be honest, I don't have that massive bravado, or the kick butt conviction. More so I have an understanding, that I am taking it one day at a time. One small step, and while my pride is wounded and confidence is more then shaken, I am accepting the fact that I -need- to be accountable, that hiding out, is only robbing me of the support that Spark brings.
On 9-21-2011 I hit 310. Today I weighed, and it was 335. Back in May? I was 275. Oh and how I loved those 2anythings!
Rather then start over with a new name, (which was totally a thought for a second), just to cover up my own embarassment, I realized I couldn't at all, lose the contact with the amazing folks I have had the chance, heck, the BLESSING to meet here.
Cutting down on teams. And totally understand those who needed to let go of me, during my abscence. It's been a emtional roller coaster here, and honestly, I -made- the choice at some point just to fall back on old habits, on old coping tools, that aren't really tools at all. Instead they are just tiny posioned daggers that let me 'deal' for the moment, and attempt to ignore the huge pile that is waiting to take its payment out. Delay, Delay, Delay.
So here we go one more time, going over where I am, what I am thinking, and setting out those goals. Hopefully my blog tomorrow will be absolutely more clear minded.
Missed you all. Needed you, and the worst part is that feeling where you come back, head lowered, going "Dang it..I did it again.."
And special thank you, to the person (you know who you are!) who sent out that lifeline. Who reminded me, what I was pushing away because of my own stall out. Love you!