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ADALAI
15,000-19,999 SparkPoints 16,694
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In like a lamb..

Monday, January 16, 2012

Today, I do that thing I do.

I start over. This time though, I have to be honest, I don't have that massive bravado, or the kick butt conviction. More so I have an understanding, that I am taking it one day at a time. One small step, and while my pride is wounded and confidence is more then shaken, I am accepting the fact that I -need- to be accountable, that hiding out, is only robbing me of the support that Spark brings.

On 9-21-2011 I hit 310. Today I weighed, and it was 335. Back in May? I was 275. Oh and how I loved those 2anythings!

Rather then start over with a new name, (which was totally a thought for a second), just to cover up my own embarassment, I realized I couldn't at all, lose the contact with the amazing folks I have had the chance, heck, the BLESSING to meet here.

Cutting down on teams. And totally understand those who needed to let go of me, during my abscence. It's been a emtional roller coaster here, and honestly, I -made- the choice at some point just to fall back on old habits, on old coping tools, that aren't really tools at all. Instead they are just tiny posioned daggers that let me 'deal' for the moment, and attempt to ignore the huge pile that is waiting to take its payment out. Delay, Delay, Delay.

So here we go one more time, going over where I am, what I am thinking, and setting out those goals. Hopefully my blog tomorrow will be absolutely more clear minded.

Missed you all. Needed you, and the worst part is that feeling where you come back, head lowered, going "Dang it..I did it again.."

And special thank you, to the person (you know who you are!) who sent out that lifeline. Who reminded me, what I was pushing away because of my own stall out. Love you!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • v LOVEAZ
    So, how's it going? :D
    1369 days ago
  • v RONOSOF
    So happy to have you back! I kept checking your page for you. Stay a while and no shame, no judgement; be kind to yourself emoticon
    1577 days ago
  • v LOVEAZ
    One step at a time, each foot forward, and keep on going!
    1587 days ago
  • v 15THC_ODETTE
    I conpletely understand. I had worked my way down to the 2teens in the fall, and after the holidays I had worked my way back to the 240s. I reset my trackers. I cleaned my Goals Met from my SparkPages. Then I started over.

    You can do it!! emoticon
    1594 days ago
  • v CHRISTINA791
    I broke into a huge smile when I saw your name pop up on my friend feed. So glad to see you back and wishing you all the best this time!
    1595 days ago
  • v GONICNIC
    First...it is absolutely amazing to see you back...I have missed you! Second, I can totally relate to thinking about signing up under a new name and letting shame hold me back from what I really need & want. Lastly, know that I am inspired by you for fighting that shame and accepting the hand that reached out to you, I thank you for writing this blog it helped me greatly!
    1595 days ago
  • v MRSSMITH622
    Me too, hanging my head and coming back but I am glad we are. I am so glad you came back.
    1595 days ago
  • v THESB25
    Oh goodness I have done this blog entry so many times in my life. What I need reminding of though is that the journey never ended...it was just interrupted. You are fabulous and I'm glad you're back!
    1596 days ago
  • v NDORRIS
    Love you no matter what. Our worth is not dependent on our body's size or shape. I need to remember that as I look in the mirror and think judgemental thoughts and have judgemental feelings about myself. I am worthy of love and positive attention no matter what. You deserve that same love and positive attention. You have it from me.

    emoticon
    1596 days ago
  • v HOLLYS_NEW_LIFE
    You're back and that's what matters. Not what has happened since you've been gone, but what you're going to do while you're here. SO glad you're back! emoticon
    1596 days ago
  • v LORIANNE61
    You shouldn't beat yourself up when you fall. The problem is when you don't have the strength (courage) to pick yourself up and admit to your mistakes. As long as you realize you have friends on the journey with you, you can accomplish whatever it is you want to accomplish. I am a newbie here so may need you to help me around the site til I understand what and where everything is. This is only my second week in and my goal for this year is 50 lbs. I don't dare say what my goal is altogether as it would scare you.

    My name is Lori, I live in Maine and am a mother of two sons, 20 and 22 yrs old. I turned 50 in Sept. and was told I am pre-diabetic so that was one reason for joining this new year's change. Another is the wellness group I am involved with is doing its own version of Biggest Loser thru our local hospital. We have 12 weeks and soem physical challenges along the way.

    Hope to hear from you soon.
    1596 days ago
  • v SWEETLEA32
    Glad to see you! I took a break over the holidays...more like gave up for about two months...while dealing with a number of things in life. It's amazing how quickly that weight will come back on. You're doing the right thing though by being honest about where you were and now where you are in the process. It is a struggle, heck sometimes a battle, but the honesty you have with yourself gets you a large step forward. Welcome back!
    1596 days ago
  • v LHACKING13
    Welcome back dear. So glad to see you. We've all been through what you experienced to one extent or another. You came back and that is a very important point. You haven't given up, you want to keep going. Each day brings new realizations to what works for each of us. May this time have a stronger affect on you. I'll be here to cheer your success and be encouraging (hopefully) during the struggles. emoticon
    1596 days ago
  • v BECKYB73
    I've missed you!!! I'm so glad that you didn't change your name or hide by doing so.

    Let's make 2012 the best year ever...after all it's supposed to be the end of days on December 21...so let's LIVE this year like we mean it!!

    And say that whole Mayan apocalypse doesn't happen....we're 10+months into a healthier, happier life and FUTURE!!!!!!!!
    1596 days ago
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