Monday, January 16, 2012
This past couple of weeks has kind of just been exhausting. I had to give up my role as a BLC leader because I just couldn't put forth enough effort and support that the teams need due to a bunch of reasons. I really hate that I let the other leaders down and I hope to be able to get back into it at some point, but right now... I just can't.
A good friend of mine and my boyfriends got into a car accident a couple of weeks ago. At first they thought it was just a broken nose and collar bone, but a few days later he started having mini strokes due to blood clots in his throat. He's paralyzed on his right side and can hardly talk. His wife isn't giving us much information so a lot of what we are hearing is hearsay. She won't let us go visit him, won't let us call her... we don't know anything. Its so aggravating, depressing and frustrating not knowing whats going on.
To top it off, my car decided to break on me and shred a brand new tire. The spring/strut broke on it and its leaking fluids. The technician just called and said it would be 1460. AWESOME, something else I can't afford!
I don't know if its stress or what but I haven't lost any weight since the beginning of the year and its getting to be really frustrating. I haven't changed anything, still working out just the same, eating the same amount of calories, the scale just isn't moving at all. I have plateaued. I am stuck. I really think I am destined to be fat for the rest of my life. 266 is not skinny, nor will it ever be. I don't want to be here forever. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So, to try to break through this plateau I've started the C25k. I'm on week one, today will be day three. Day two kind of sucked... I got through it but it was hard. Probably cause I was still sore from day one. Not as sore today so day three should be a little easier. I don't know though that I'm going to be able to move on to the next step by Wednesday... I may do two weeks for each step. I'm not sure how I like it yet either. I have never been much of a runner, so we'll see how it goes. I just want to do ANYTHING to get me off of 266.
I've also upped my calories. I think I might have been starving my body, though, I always felt full. Instead of 1300-1400 calories, I'm going to shoot for 1700 to 1800. Hopefully this will jump start me again. If not... I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know if I can last more than a couple weeks without wanting to completely give up.
The final piece of big stress is the fact that nobody ever stops asking my boyfriend and I when we are getting married. I want to get married, I love him and want to be with him. He feels the same way. Right now though, we have one problem to work through that is just not letting us move forward. Its something that could make or break a relationship in the future and I'm not going to move forward to just get divorced a couple years down the road. I just know its not smart to move ahead when we already know there is this issue. It has nothing to do with another person, or money or if we love each other, its just something we need to get over together. So I lie and tell people its because we don't have enough money for a wedding (ok, this isn't too far off... we don't have the money for it, but that's not the real reason!)... I don't know what to do any more. How fast do I have to get over this to move on? How do I know if its not going to ever get better?
Need a therapist much?! YES!