Monday, January 16, 2012
I don't even know where to start. But perhaps the most important first. I'm pregnant.
It's not planned and if I'd planned more children, I obviously wouldn't have had surgery last summer to remove my excess skin after the 130lbs weight loss. But I'm pregnant. And I'm over the shock and both me, my husband and our two children (who are 4 and 5) are excited about the new addition to our family.
But my feelings are not as straight forward as plus or minus. They are, to say the least, ambivalent. The baby part of it is fine. We're financially sound, we have a big house, we have plenty of love to give - so, the practicalities are all in place and no cause for concern.
But I am.
I don't like being pregnant. I didn't like it with the first two. In fact, I hated it. So, it was not a hard decision not to have more. Not because I didn't want more children, which is also why we are now approved foster carers - but because I suffer with pregnancy. I don't enjoy what it does to my body - the hormones, the aches, the pains, the skin, the hair - all of it's just horrible. And this is more true this time than ever before.
I am upset. I am in tears. I am hating the loss of control, the weight gain, the food cravings that go beyond anything I've ever experienced. Probably, because I never tried to control them in my previous pregnancies.
First time I became pregnant (July 2005), I weighed 242 lbs, and gained just over 15.5 lbs.
Second time (April 2007), I weighed 267 lbs and gained 30lb.
This time, I entered pregnancy weighing 142 lbs. I was pretty much at my ideal weight and feeling amazing. But in just 12 weeks I've already gained 11 lbs.
I look about 7 months pregnant.
I'm still weighing and tracking all my foods. Of course. I have done that every day for 3 years now, and I've no intention of stopping. And although I'm unable - and I do mean unable - to keep to the 1300 calorie average I've been keeping the last year and a half, I am still averaging no more than 1600 calories. Do +300 calories really mean a crazy rapid gain like that?
But despite the increase, I'm really, really struggling. I want to eat, I think about food non-stop and feel like I'm back to square one! I recall with horrow those first days in January 2009, when I'd walk around in the kitchen like a hungry she-lion on the prowl for prey. Back then, I made a time plan and a meal plan, so I knew exactly when I was allowed to eat and what.
But it's not working now. Sometimes, I am so hungry and craving salt and carbs so much I cry!
It's pathetic and I'm hating it so much! And then of course I get cross with myself for hating the pregnancy, because I know I'm blessed, fortunate, lucky and all the rest that I can get pregnant and have healthy babies and have no trouble conceiving (though apparently problems avoiding it!). But I am not ungrateful. I really am not. I'm just a woman struggling.
I have my first midwife appointment on the 31st. But I don't even want to talk to her about my diet and my concerns. Not that I don't respect the opinions and advice of health professionals, but I seriously doubt she knows as much as someone, who've been Spark'ing for 3 years solidly. You know what I mean, don't you? 'Cos I really don't mean to sound arrogant.
I know how to eat a healthy and balanced diet - and I do! I know how to exercise - and I do! And in theory, I know how to control cravings, portions etc. But I'm failing. And I can't really see how any off the shelf advice the midwife can offer can alter this.
I tried communicating my problems to my GP, when I went for my booking in appointment, and he just smiled overbearingly.
All the special dietician and exercise offers our local health authority offer are for overweight or obese pregnant ladies only. I'm already experiencing how different pregnancy is when you're normal weight. Only half the scans, half the tests, half the talks and checks with the midwife and GP. And that's okay. Resources are scarce and need to be directed. But I never felt like I needed the support and advice more than I do now.
Where do women, who've lost 130 lbs go? Where do women, who are terrified that pregnancy will spell the end to their efforts go?
I am so, so sad.