Not this time
Monday, January 16, 2012
Almost 6 months ago, I gave up on myself. Really it didn't happen in just one day. It happened over the course of hours, day and weeks...and then all of a sudden it was 2012. I decided...not a New Year's Resolution, I decided...it was time to come back to SP. This works. Even though I am not a social person, do not reach out, am not so good and keeping in touch with the few people I have met on this site, I am a fantastic stalker, and the people who I feel I know, and I can relate to on this site, keep me going...and this time, I will succeed.
So I came back to SP, joined a BLC, and started sparking again on January 9th. I had quit smoking (again) 10 days before, and was ready for the next healthy living challenge.
Four days later, my mother died.
Despite the fact that she had Alzheimer's and had been in a home for a long long time, and we knew the day was soon, this is the kind of life shattering events that takes us all and knocks us down a flight of stairs or two.
January 13th, Friday the thirteenth, was the day my mother died. She passed shortly after 2pm, and I received the call while I was on my way home from picking my son up from school. Up to that point in the day, I was well within all of my healthy goals. Not surprisingly, I derailed...primarily with a bottle of wine. Yesterday, was also rather derailed in the healthiness department.
But this morning...I woke up with a different outlook. I think that it came upon me slowly over the course of the last couple of days...
My relationship with my mother was not a particularly healthy relationship in so many ways. But where it comes to health and weight...that was a really big one. My mom struggled with her weight, probably her entire adult life. She taught me to look at food as though it was a dangerous thing, but she also taught me that it was very comforting. I first attended Weight Watchers meetings at 6 years old, and was taken to an obesity clinic at 10. Oddly enough, it was at 10 that my weight began to spiral out of control...
At any rate...I know that my mom would never have wanted me to live this horribly unhealthy existence that I have had for so many years. I know that she wanted the best for me, even if she did not know how to make that happen. I am done blaming her. I am going to change. And in part, I will do it for her.
As of today, I am taking control. I am in charge of my life. I control what I put in my mouth, I control how much I move, I control my thoughts and emotions. It is clear to me, that if I can eat well, not smoke, and exercise through a period in my life like this one...I can succeed. I will not fail. Not this time.
I know that it will be hard. But I can do it.