Old memories, old pain, some things never go away...
Sunday, January 15, 2012
I had a great run at the park today... except for a group of punk teenagers who were hogging the sidewalk... I ran around them and they started laughing at me. I have no clue why since I was minding my own business. I lapped them and then they were like, "hey lady"... I ignored them. I lapped them again and they realized I wasn't going to play... but I am still WTF? The also had apparently been to the Sonic next to the park and left a trail of food trash and waste in their wake.
I have never understood people like this or how any parent who gave a pinch of a crap about their kids could come out with a kid like that.
I have met up with people like this all of my life. And somehow they always picked me out with the intent to victimize. Why would you intentionally try to hurt someone like that? Even though I am an adult, it brings back painful memories and emotions. Luckily, I am able to rise above it on the outside, but on the inside, grade school comes right back to my emotional matrix.
I wasn't fat as a child, but I was always the one picked out to by the popular kids to pick on. I have always been different, but since I have become an adult, it seems that those around me seem better able to just accept me. I get on well with people, but I always feel like I am standing outside looking in, except with my closest friends and immediate family.
I will always be vulnerable I guess.
Member Comments About This Blog Post
Some times it has nothing to do with you..They just picking on anyone who comes along!!Dont let it bother you!!
1618 days ago
I understand how you feel. What you have to remember is their parents are probably the same way. ( I was a leader of a girl scout troup for 6 years) I had to quit due to two parents (out of 20) made my life miserable.
These kids would have picked on everyone who went by them, it's not just you. It was a reaction they were looking for. They have very little compation for others possible because they get little in their own lives. They need help much more than you do. As adults we can look back but not change what happened, but make what happens and how we react better to better ourselves.
Keep doing what makes you happy..........believe me MOST adults still have issues/bad memories from school days.
1622 days ago
Sorry you had those feelings come up....that's a tough one! But the bad behavior of others is really a reflection on them, and has nothing to do with you, you just happened to be there to catch it. I know it's hard to do, but try not to let their bad feelings and behavior leak onto you, hold your head high as you lap them one more time!
1622 days ago
OMG we live parallel lives!! I hear you loud & clear!
I knew you felt something other than "I just blew them off" too...well...just a feeling I had...it was in my own flashback feelings when I read it the first time.
On Friday I had to go back to my old elementary school for my own childrens' dance fitness show...not only was a woman I used to be friends with sitting in front of me, but right next to me was another that I truly dislike...I was the kid who was picked on and left behind because one person didn't like me for some reason and then turned everyone else against her...and by the time 3rd grade hit...I had 2 friends...so what do you do? you turn to your books and food for comfort.
So now I get to go back to the same elementary school and relive those memories each and every time...with some of the same exact people....but this time most of them don't know me & I am a Mrs....and I look completely different....that helps too.
My husband doesn't get it...says I have issues...and I do. I get over these things by not being as active in the PTA and hiding (yes, I know that hurts my kids because I am not always living at the school) and I am very active with them in scouts..this is how I cope.
Another way I cope is very fickle and petty and I will probably go to hell for thinking like this: I look better than them. Yes, I said it. Another plus to getting healthy right there. I have more energy than 94% of them...I can run circles around them...I am more outgoing than I let on...and I have talents that they cannot touch...talents and brains that I honed when I was alone in elementary school. So you see....who is the victor.
Karma has a way of weeding out the evil in our past Jenni...I like to think that. I have seen it happen right in front of my eyes...even last Friday I saw it...but that is another blog....
You've gotten SO much ahead of others your age...and in your position in life just by taking the bull by the horns are gaining control! and blogging gets it out into the universe so then it can "go away from whence it came". Betting money that you might have inspired one of the punks in the back of their peabrains that you lapping them was pretty awesome...there is always a blacksheep, even in a pack of punks...bet it was that one you inspired without even knowing it!
Sorry to make this so long...but it touched a chord and I guess I just wanted to let you know that you are SO not alone in those feelings you just had...they happen to others all the time....and besides, if I did this on FB, it would have been waaay too long!
1622 days ago
Grade school and junior high were a nightmare for me. I finally found a group of " my kind of people" in high school. We were the debate team, rifle team, play guitar and sing folk songs, chess team, talk about ideas instead of people kind of people. After I found my group, I realised how lucky I was that I was excluded from some of those other groups.
1623 days ago
I don't think the pain ever goes away. I think it is a form of PTSD, and most of us just deal with it. Don't feel like you are the lone stranger. I've always been the "eccentric" one, too, and have the same buttons that easily get pushed. Know this: I know you, like you, and think you are a cool person. And the sleezoids don't know you at all. .... them.
1623 days ago
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