Sunday, January 15, 2012
Two weeks ago in one of the challenges I am in, the weekly challenge was to do wall push-ups. I read the challenge and immediately decided I wouldn't be able to do them. Why? Because it requires standing and I can't stand for very long. I did think that maybe I could try it sitting on a chair, but I pushed that idea aside because I didn't believe I could do it. So, I took 0 points for that challenge. It was just 0 points for me, but it also affected my whole team's total points. The truth is I often decide that I can't do things because of my mobility....and don't even try for fear of pain & failure.
I often tell my Sparkfriends to believe in themselves because I believe in them. I cheer them on because I know they will do amazing things. But, even though I have made huge strides in the last year, I still don't believe in myself. I have been making excuses about why I can't do many things. And, they are just that, Excuses.
For most of my life I have been afraid of failure. I haven't believed in myself. I haven't trusted myself. These things have been my core beliefs since I was a child. I wasn't always this way though. When I was very young, around 4-5 years old, I was super confident. I was extremely independent. I was a healthy, active, beautiful, happy & friendly little girl. I was absolutely awesome. We lived in a small town and my mum couldn't keep track of me. I would walk all over town (yes at 4 & 5 yrs old) creating my own adventures and visiting people. I ran, jumped, climbed trees and rode my bike. I never doubted myself. I knew I was awesome and could do anything I wanted to do. Then between 5 & 6 yrs old something happened to change all that. I was sexually abused by 2 people I trusted and loved. That awesome part of me seemed to have died at that time.
Now, so many years later, I have worked through a lot of that. But, unfortunately, some things just aren't that easy to break through. I'm not saying that I'm fat because of the abuse..originally that is when I started to gain weight. It was a survival mechanism. My young brain didn't know how much worse it was going to make my life. But the lies about myself that I believed are what made me get fatter and fatter.
I didn't start this blog with the intentions of revealing so much about my past....but, it is so connected with what I struggle with today that it just came out.
So, back to the wall push-ups. Yesterday I got a message on my sparkpage from WOLFKITTY, one of the leaders of the "Done Being the Fat Girl" group, asking how I made out with the wall push-ups. My immediate thought was " f____, why did she have to ask me about that?" I know the reason was because she cares about her fellow Done Girls and wanted to encourage me to try the push-ups. I really didn't want to tell her that I didn't even try. I wanted to respond to her note, so, tonight I decided I was just going to try. What was the worst that could happen? I waited until Dale had gone off to do something, there was no way I was going to let him see me fail, and I went into the kitchen and tried. Guess what! I did more than try...I DID it! I was so excited and so surprised that I started crying. I was so happy that I was doing it that I did 50!! I was thanking WOLFKITTY in my head the whole time.
Thank you WOLFKITTY for helping me to believe in myself. Thank you for taking the time to stop by to encourage me.
I know that I'm not going to believe in myself every time something new comes up...but I will remember the wall push-ups and try to believe in myself. It takes time to change your core beliefs...and this is one step closer.
And, this is another reason I love SP and all the amazing Sparkly Peeps I have met here.
If your core beliefs tell you not to try because you will fail...don't believe them!