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    ELLAREE57   4,293
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do you ever feel you just don't belong?

Saturday, January 14, 2012

I always thought before it was just the weight...now the weight is gone and I still feel I don't belong. I have a hard time making friends. it is hard for me to let people in to see who I really am. I always feel I won't to good enough, smart enough keep my house well enough, cook good enough and the list goes on and on. I could always hide behind the weight. Anything I do I try to drag someone else into it. I don't care if its a painting class an exercise class or a financial class....but only the people in my family the ones who already know me and accept me. This week I signed up for a class and could not find any one to go with me........i hesitated and waited to the last minute to go. Why am I so afraid of people and there judging of me. This is nothing new, this has been going on my whole life. Well I survived I did go, I spoke very little words with anyone there and I'm sure that makes me look like I am a snob, but really I'm not I'm just intimidated by everyone over stupid stuff like I mentioned. Please how do I let go and let people really see me and accept they might not like me. I am a people pleaser and it bothers me. Does anyone else ever feel like this? I know this is not normal I think it has something to do with my upbringing, my sisters have the same problems of making friendships and it feels uncomfortable letting people from the outside in. I am from a large family. You would think it would be easy, I am the oldest. I really thought after losing all my weight I wouldn't have this problem. If you have any advice please share...thanks
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MSBETH 1/18/2012 10:38AM

    Welll... apparently... I get this trait from you, this is something I have had a problem with forever. LOL... I think you're wonderful mom. You're so funny and I know a ton of people who think you're a wonderful person. I'm glad you went to the class. Want to join a Zumba class with me? lol

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TAMMMIEANN 1/16/2012 12:48AM

    Hi!
I've been there and still often feel those same things about myself.

Congratulations on going to the class! :-) I think the other posters gave great advice.

A couple of things that I'd add would be to pray beforehand and ask God to help you to relax and just be comfortable being there. The baby steps advice sounded great!

You could also try to look for someone else thats alone or looks uncomfortable and talk to them; I'm sure they'd be relieved to have someone approach them.

i just signed up for a few groups on Meetup.com and am asking God for the courage to go to them. Its a website where people look for people with common interests, hobbies, etc. and get together to do/see things. I joined a couple for those that like art and museums, and one for social events like dining out or sports events.

I;m glad you reached out through your blog. :-) Feel free to sparkmail me.

God bless you!
Praying for you!

Tammie emoticon

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KMIRANDA2000 1/15/2012 2:29PM

    No advice, but just know you're not alone.

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PATTYR81 1/14/2012 2:03PM

    Yes, I've felt this way off and on all my life~ How I fight this feeling: Think Baby Steps. My first goal was to just go (like you did- YAY!). Then goal was to look at one person, smile and say 'Hi'. Sometimes just saying 'Hi' breaks the ice and encourages the other person to respond. The next time, my goal was to do this with 2 people, then three, etc. Casual chit-chat stuff is non-threatening and a good opener like- 'Boy it's cold today!'

Keep practicing! My favorite aunt always told me 'Nobody is a stranger'. I keep reminding myself and it helps~

Thanks for posting! You have helped me today!! (I don't normally post- just 'lurk'.) :) emoticon

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VEGGIE_GIRL28 1/14/2012 1:54PM

    I know EXACTLY how you feel! I was brought up Fundamentalist Mormon and so I kinda stood out from the crown just a lil (sarcasm included). lol And not standing out in a good way, like I try to do now. I moved away from my "family" the day I turned 18 but I was absolutely terrified of going anywhere outside the room I shared with another girl in a two bedroom apartment. Every time I went out, even after I adjusted to look "normal" to society, people would stare. I hated it! I kept thinking what was wrong with me...always wondering if they were secretly thinking how dumb I looked, or awkward, or if there was some aspect to society that I just hadn't grasped yet and maybe they were seeing that and thinking how stupid I looked. After a few years of living in this absolute torment, I decided to see a counselor. Among the MANY things she and I discussed, was my fear of other people and what they were always thinking about me.
I'll never forget her answer.
She looked up from her notebook, set her pen down, and said "Well, you really are pretty self-centered, aren't you?"

I was shocked!!! I was the kind of person who was always trying to help! I did lots of service in the community, was getting good grades in school (despite my lack of education) and would literally give the shirt off my back if someone needed it. How was I self-centered???

Then she explained that most people worry about what others think of them but the extent to which I did was obsessive. For me to think that other people think of me so much, whether in a good or negative way, was really pretty self-centered. Most people are concerned with themselves and their lives and really couldn't care less why you are dressed the way you are or acting the way you are unless it interferes with or inhibits their own personal lives. And as for people always looking at me, my councilor brought up something that had never even occurred to me...most of them were probably looking at me because I was looking at them.

Duh! I don't know why I had never thought of that!

She was an amazing councilor and she helped me acclimate to an extent I do not believe I could have done without her.

I know this comment was pretty long, but I just feel for you. I'm sure our reasons for feeling this way stem from different circumstances and experiences, but the feeling is the same and its absolutely hell to live in.

If you ever need to talk, I've been there, and I'm here very nearly every day.

:)

Spark ON!

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ALYSSA40 1/14/2012 1:44PM

    It's probably going to be the scariest thing in the world but just start off by using your new class as an experiment. Periodically, say something. Ask a question or give your idea on whatever the topic may be. Believe it or not, I grew up with a similar complex. I was always the new kid, being a military brat. I worried that I wasn't cute enough or smart enough to belong. Turns out, I've got friends all over the world because I just jumped- feet first!

They won't come to you, so you go to them and believe me when I say this...you will not regret it! Good luck and put your fear in your back pocket. You'll want to look at it and laugh every now and then.

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